Things with My Guy are great. No complaints there.
But the rest of it is not easy. I have a really hard job, and juggling it with the kids is not working well at all. There are about 500 moving parts all the time and I'm really shortchanging both. There is no more money to throw at this problem and I don't know how to solve it. I work so hard but I'm dropping balls and missing targets left and right. I have so little support. I know I have it a lot better than so many of you on this board but I'm stretched as far as I'll go and it's nowhere near enough.
D13 just told me to quit acting like a kicked puppy because I told her to ask before making cinnamon buns in the middle of the day. She was being flat out mean to all of us for no reason and I just don't care about dealing with it.
My kids are all capable of being a lot more helpful but I have to micromanage every little thing and repeat myself seventeen times and monitor for sneakiness. I know this is normal but I'm just DONE. We're in an all hands on deck situation here and I can't be the only responsible person in the house.
Mr. Fantastic had the NERVE to send me an email the other day in response to a Facebook post I put up about S10's interest in complicated science. He said "I've never been a fan of private education before but it seems to me that might be appropriate for S10 to encourage him more in his interests. If that isn't an option then maybe some kind of after school program?"
It took me two days to come down from the outraged tone I wanted to take with him. How dare he suggest I take on MORE unmanageable expenses and transportation obligations when I'm not even keeping my head above water as it is. Knowing I had to reply to him, I finally managed to very crisply point out that there isn't even money set aside for the children for college and I didn't see how to manage private education, and that I have zero capacity for additional extracurricular activities.
This touches such a nerve since those things WOULD have been an option for all three of my very talented children if Mr. Fantastic weren't so incredibly childish. I feel so inadequate for the weight I carry and when it becomes too heavy I just can't help but want to kick him where it counts for leaving me in this situation.
To add to the aggravation, My Guy spent the last two evenings here with me and the kids, having dinner and just generally spending time with us. He added such an incredible energy to my home. He's super calm and can watch the kids' antics with a certain amusement and sympathy. He's supportive and participates in a way that reinforces me without being intrusive. When he's not here I feel the weight of my responsibilities so much more. But then, this isn't his job, and I have to be able to do all this without him.
Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my moving into MY house. So much has happened in the last year. I can't believe I've navigated all this. In another year again my life will look SO different than what it does now, and i'll be amazed again at how much I accomplished. I won't remember moments like this one when I fell to my knees. But at the moment it's hard to see how it will all happen.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
