SH, I recall reading on your thread that you are able to give wonderful support to others but perhaps not as much kindness to yourself. I was thinking about that too. Sometimes for me, it is easier to take care of others than give self care. Self care can require looking inside our minds and history, which in itself can be painful.
I have been wondering lately if there is such a thing as being too detached? I think I may be swinging in that direction. I'm not giving up on my M, not walking away, but realize at times I can be numb. I think it's a natural protective mechanism in this sitch.
I can list so many reasons why H is a good man, father, and partner. I do feel he is staying the course and committed to me and the family. I also find that the triggers are finally fading. There was a long while where I felt so much PTSD--a full on visceral response--that I was scared it would never work.
The numbness is slightly new. I am not sure exactly what it means but I am okay with it. It's a welcome relief. I still feel that part of my control is accepting where things are in the present. I have faith that things will settle into place as they should in time. I can't predict what will happen in the M, but I can surrender myself to giving up control.
I am secretly hoping that this is why people say successfully recovering from an A can lead to a better M. I don't know. But I do know that I like myself a lot more now than I did before any of this chit started years ago.
Hang in there DBers, this is a LONG arse road!
-Blu
Hello Blu!
I saw you driving around the neighborhood so thought I'd stop by. I read this post again and gave pause as it is a place that I am in a holding pattern with right now. The feedback from several about my lending support and guidance outward, but maybe not so much to myself does feel to be an issue for me. I am struggling as I look inward as it is such a numb place right now, and if I stare for a moment to long there is a burst of anger that I quickly slam the door on and then engage in something for someone else. I know I need to figure out my own demons so I can move forward, but the challenge has been a bit overwhelming. I want to be as far from her as possible and obsess a bit on how to more severe the rope that will keep us bound. She is doing a good job herself of shredding this rope by alienating her d18 in a nasty sort of way. But D5 will be the challenge for me. I want all contact with WAW gone as her bitterness has just become such an annoyance that it....well it's just an annoying nagging thing to deal with several times a week. Ugh!!!
I just have to get a plan for my own future in place and place all focus on it and let those chips fall where they may.
Blu I hope you are doing well and I appreciate your wisdom and support that you share with us.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
