Pardon me for sounding like I know what I'm talking about (because my own MR is completely FUBAR) but ...
Thinking back on when I was in my early 20's ... and the women I knew back then ... it just make heckuvahlotof sense to me ... she got into a very serious relationship (marriage & child) early on, and, for whatever reasons, had very serious doubts ... and now she's trying to exorcise all those demons. Her behavior isn't going to make a lot of sense for a while. She's infatuated w/ the new guy but also tethered to the comfort you provide. I'm willing to bet you a bagel (toasted w/ cream cheese, and a venti macchiato w/ coconut milk on ice) that her fling w/ the OM isn't going to last. The question is whether when she's done thrashing, she's going to feel ready to jump back into a committed relationship -- that might be really tough for a 24-ish year old -- AND whether she's going to find you to be attractive as a long-term partner. Tough call.
The upside to your situation is that she's relatively young, so has fewer years' worth pent up demons to exorcise than a mid-40's woman who's put up with H leaving his dirty laundry in the wrong places, and passed up flirtatious male attention at social gatherings and bars and restaurants for years.
The downside is that at mid-20's ... a woman (or a man) is less likely to have a sense of what the hell s/he wants out of life, whether s/he is ready to enjoy the fruits of a stable, loving, long-term relationship.
Anyway, I hope you put the cake away. The trick -- which I have yet to get a good grip on -- is to detach clearly but w/o seeming to turn a cold shoulder. Be detached but make it clear the door is wide open to rebuild your marriage if/when she's ready. Don't give her another mouthful of cake though, til she drops the OM.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I didn't speak to her at all yesterday ignored all attempts to contact me. And I don't know why I feel so bad for it.
It is so hard because everything in me tells me that it will push her closer to him I just need to keep telling myself that she is already with him because she wanted to be and me pulling back is the only way to drag her closer to me.
So much easier when worked out in my head then living it.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
W rang again today I felt nervous after ignoring her all day yesterday so I expected some attitude but didn't get any.
She was nice as pie cheerful happy briefly spoke about an issue with D then continued talking about herself like she normally does for the next 15 minutes. I validated and stayed cheerful without being over the top it was a nice hat then I said I had to go I really didn't want to but trying to stick to not being available.
If I can say one other thing and I know it's nearly impossible do not mind read!! I am the worst at it! and I always get it wrong!
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
albac, I am bad at mind reading to (or thinking I can mind read!) or as one of my friends put it 'filling in the gaps'! It's so hard not to and I sometimes I think, is that because I don't know my H enough or just don't know him at the moment?
This whole separation thing has become the hardest thing I have experienced so far. The lack of control, knowing etc is doing my head in big time! I know I have to try and detach but that's easier Said than done when all you want go do is call and talk about the R.
I think it looks like you are starting to get small results from your 180 with W especially as you ignored all contact from her and then when you eventually spoke she didn't hold that against you. From a female perspective, if it was me and I really didn't want anything to do with you I would have been fuming that you ignored me or would just stop calling! Keep going, IMHO I think you are on the right track....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Yes it is so hard not to try and guess what they are doing and what is going on in the head of someone that is off the planet. I need to stop but like you said it is far easier said then done.
She is still at it. I think I need to have a serious talk about boundaries and what is and isn't ok.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
She is still at it. I think I need to have a serious talk about boundaries and what is and isn't ok.
Can you state to us what boundaries you want to discuss with her?
Your W is getting the best of both worlds. You see it, don't you?
The way your W keeps you connected emotionally is by sending you photos and messages thoughout the day, or on a daily bases. It is, also, a means of control on her end. She should not come over to hang out with you. She should not think she can turn to you when she has nothing better to do or her boyfriend is busy. You have played second fiddle to the OM since the get-go.......you just didn't suspect it.
I doubt she is in some type of MLC. The WW and MLC W have very similar behavior. Your W has new friends, and she wants to experience the fun single life. However, she is trying to keep one foot in the M, which is not respectful of you.
IMHO, you need to act as if she is a very nosy neighbor who is trying to find out your business. When she removed herself from the M, she removed her rights to know what all you do. Learn to have very vague answers.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have been hoping you would come by and give me your opinion.
I definitely see it and I know I need to put a stop to it no matter how much it feels like I'm signing off on the death of my M.
I think I need to as politely as possible ask her to stop sending me photos and texts and only contact me if it is about our D and is important. Also that we have D ready whenever it is time to pickup or swap over so we don't need to spend any longer then required at each other's house. And obviously I need to continue not doing things together as a "family" as we currently are not a family.
Is there anything else you think I need to do or should be doing to bring her into the real world
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Well, I don't see these as personal boundaries. What you wish to discuss with her is kind of like "ground rules", IMHO. What could you do if she doesn't agree to cooperate? (Be sure you read the link on boundaries).
I think you need to plan how to approach her, if you decide to carry through with it. I'm not the best at stating things, but I would probably word it something like, "Considering we are separated and your decision to date, I feel I need to move forward with my life. I think it would be best if we not contact each other except in cases regarding our daughter. I won't be spending time with you....or invite you to hang out at the house. I won't engage in doing things as a family, b/c I do not want to confuse our daughter".
She may ask if you don't want to be friends any longer. She may accuse you of punishing her b/c she's dating. She may get angry. You need to consider the possibilities, b/c a WW can catch her H completely off guard by things she says or does.
If you tell her anything along these lines, you need to be certain you can stick to it. Also, understand that she is going to really test you on these issues. WW's use all kind of little tricks.
You will basically be telling her what you will be doing, instead of it sounding as if you are giving her orders. But at least, she would know why you weren't responding to her messages.
Do the two of you share a calendar that has the dates of parent days and times to leave?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, yes it will be tough and I need to be sure but I have spent so much time thinking about all this, yes I have a lot to lose but chances are by continuing on the paths am on now I am going to lose her anyway. Ian not trying to rush to a D and have our marriage over. On a side note she has never said the word divorce to me at any point I think she believes being separated and divorced are exactly the same thing.
To be clear she doesn't see the fact that she is seeing someone else as any sort of betrayal or having done anything wrong. She thought I was "happy" being friends and was surprised I was upset when she told me about OM.
I work shift work so my days off change every single week so at this point we have to discuss who has D which days every single week. Far from ideal I also take D quite often so W can work
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
