Sorry to reply so late. I try and glance at the threads frequently, but not always great about posting!
I wish I had good answers for you. I think we focus so much on DB--GAL, detaching, 180s--because really we can't get our mind off of when and IF they come back. When they do come back, it is with very mixed emotion. For me it was shock, relief, reconnecting, very quickly followed by anger, fear, and resentment. Then I cycled around several 1000 times. Sometimes over the course of several weeks and other times all in a day.
That is why piecing is such hard work. It's more crazy-making than anything. Allowing your mind to talk the heart off the ledge again and again and again....
I am much further down the time line than you and still at times I feel these mixed emotions or ask these same questions. For the first year, there were several times that I wanted to end it or felt no desire to feel close to him. Look, we would be crazy if we DIDNT feel that way. This person that we dedicated our life to--marriage, children, a family, everything--essentially lied, betrayed and then gave up. That is traumatic! It's natural to protect yourself from this pain. Your body is made to protect you without your awareness.
But I think you have made conscious decision to be in this marriage and to give it your best shot, right? So that is what you remind yourself of when you are having doubts. I still remind myself of that; H is a good man, a wonderful father, I know I can trust him right now, but he is human and made a terrible mistake. My choice to be with him is steered by those principles and I believe the rest will work out over time. If it doesn't? Well then I can move on knowing I tried my best. I want that for me and for my kids.
Are you expecting too much of her? My answer is a simple he11 no. This is your life. You decide what you want, what you need to start trusting her, and what it will take to move forward. Just keep in mind those wants and needs will lighten over time.
I hope this helps. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
