The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

OK, I want to answer the full question tonight, at least as best as I can. Tired. Hmmm...I say tired like sleep is actually going to happen. Been 5 months, still wake up w/ bad dreams and only get about 5 hours. OK, I'm scaring the new DB'rs.

Last part of the initial question I do believe. Finsih quote of Andrewp - "the steps that the LBH has (grief, denial etc) complete with a couple of 2X4s for him to whack himself with every time that he thinks 'no - this is different'".

First off - great point w/ your jest AndrewP: and this is my take...nothing anyone here is going through is different. I have read that in a number of threads that state, I'm paraphrasing..."this is different..". Shocking evidence exists: MLC's are normal. D is normal. Having an A is normal. Falling out of love is normal. Realizing your spouse is not for you is normal. Whatever you got, it is most likely statistically normal. If your WW/WH became a serial killer, touche', you got me. Otherwise normal. What is beautiful about normal? Normal has company and normal has explanations.

What I found/notated for stages of the spouse of an MLC:

Disclaimer - To be honest, trying to find commonality in this area was very difficult. It was even more difficult to find information specific to men who are dealing with women in an MLC which specifically includes an A. So, that said, unlike things above this post, below is a mix of information influenced by my interpretation of what I read b/c I did not find some really good evidence which possessed uniformity. I have caveats above, but especially here.


1. Shock/Denial: I found these almost always as first and second in the data. Shock was always 1 and denial 2. I don't buy it. I had denial first in the fact that something felt "off", yet I still believed WW (W at time - sure business trip have fun baby!), but I promise all of you when I saw WW's texts and emails to OM following my continuous undeniable suspicion, there was only shock - denial was cleared up real quick based on what I saw. Not sure how shock could possibly come first. So, I combined the two for the first stage. If I may be so bold - you deny what you do not wish to believe, you are in shock when you see its true. Yes, initial shock may lead you to deny truth,etc - same thing, one category.

2. Anger/Grief/Pity: I think this one depends on who you are at your core. I found different answers. Some get angry immediately - marriage is over or f you, and some are just mad about the lies/neglect, etc, spouse out move on or S. Some beg and plead "baby don't leave me!", Some are in the "why me, I'm a good guy, I did the best I could". So I am not sure which is correct. For me, I showed anger, hell, I think anger ran my show for most of the time. - but I had grief alone and I never recall feeling pity. But, I found it listed as a stage in a few places so I listed here. Put them all together b/c I could not find a reasonable way to order as if they were germane to all people and especially not with a chronological order.

3. Bargaining/Depression/Insight: Again, found different names. All seem to have a place. Maybe you bargain with God/family/WW/WH - I will change, I promise, if you just I will...you get it, so some do that. Some check out - sadness, loss - who will love me? I don't want to die alone. I will never have a family, etc. Insight - this is my fault, what I did wrong was, i get it I was bad you are right to leave. Various combinations existed and I was not sure one more correct in the other. Seemed to me like these followed what I grouped in #2 rather naturally.

4. Acceptance/Vision: Again, this last part was mixed up. I used the words I found most, but I think better would be "Fight or Flight". So acceptance was you are done, s/he left move on. Vision was s/he may still want you - hang for a bit and see what goes on. To me, this would be the stage where you have gotten your whits back and you make a choice to either stand out and fight or you decide none of this stuff is worth it.
5. I think this is where you either work through it or you or don't work through it - be that recovery or reconciliation.

The majority of the medical explanations (which I thought lacked some of the humanity of the reasons I listed above) went like this. Also, they seemed to be black/white you either had one or the other or you transitioned in the same stage:

1. Trust vs. Doubt
2. Hope vs. Shame (embarrassment)
3. Empowerment vs.Guilt
4. Action vs. Inaction
5. New Self vs. Sick Self
6. Intimacy vs. Isolation
7. Purpose vs. Passivity
8. Integrity vs. Despair

So, I hope you see, this part was very muddy. I have read here where people think loosing a spouse equates to bereavement like a death or elsewhere when machismo rules the day and you just say "done" and that's it. I cannot agree with either extreme. Death is final, MLC. A's, and D's are not. Likewise, bravado is final in an egotistical way - if you are a person who believes in saving ego before all else, bravado/machismo will be the 2nd stage you hit and it will be final.

Again, and especially for this part. Dig deeper if you need to. Ask me about if you want. I am going to grab my 5 hours or whatever sleep is for me tonight. Will have a very rare cigarette treat first (I began indulging again after 6 years when S began - need to add into goals to stop, so bad). Hope all this is helpful at best, a time killer at worst.