The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

OK, walked dog and went to grocery store. Not really great GAL, but I take what I can get. So next part of the question - what does WW go through, i.e. what does a WW experience during an MLC? Ok, again, some overlap w/ men in MLC, but I did to try very hard to get this information as specific to a woman in an MLC and there does not seem to be much in the world. For that matter, if you look up affairs, most of that stuff seems to be geared at men cheating. So fellas, we do own the mean statistical value on these.

OK, what should we understand about what a WW experiences during an MLC? (regardless of stages I'm thinking?) :

- MLC is engulfed in negativity, anger, confusion, and does not think clearly. They hear only blame for themselves and have only blame for others in return.

- MLC has a dependent personality. Will force LBS into a caregiver role and will become angrier at LBS at themselves and LBS as the LBS grows stronger.

- Not able in anyway to show emotional support for LBS or what they experience.

- Practice attention seeking behavior, possibly because as a child or in teens they receive no/limited attention from someone who needed to provide it; positive or negative attention toward the MLC will be received better than no attention.

- Very selfish and very self-centered about "finding themselves"

- Not able to trust people, including LBS or themselves. Looking for a partner who can reflect back heroism.

- Life is full of lies, deception, betrayal, and manipulation. Life becomes harder and harder to maintain w/ the superficial world MLC has created. They cannot handle the stress. They avoid taking responsibility until the point they are ready for repent & remorse.

- Very low self-esteem; it is much easier to lie to themselves and everyone they know than it is to confront their problems.

- Many have an EA which becomes a PA at some point. The A will distract them from life events such as: pain of childhood, abandonment or abuse, loss of close family or friends, aging, loss of looks, loss of health, job dissatisfaction, stress, parenting maters, finances (keep listing your own here). MLC will not realize how they are causing pain to themselves, others, or how they are over-complicating their life. They are self-absorbed and only care about obtaining their own happiness using only the methods they believe will deliver happiness.

- The OM will know nothing of the WW's flaws or personal history. The OM will be lied to about the truth of the WW's M and who the LBS was/is as a person. These lies will fit the WW's newly revised personal history. Thus, the A is nothing more than a fantasy for both WW and OM, built on falsities. The OM may also be a flawed person, but is often chosen b/c the WW is able to outshine them in looks, success, and power. The MLC WW wants someone they can control and/or take care of and OM will be along for the ride. OM is usually of weak character and integrity. MLC WW does not want someone who is superior to LBS, they want superiority over OM so the MLC ego will remain unchallenged and undamaged. It will most likely collapse as the WW MLC realizes their OM is not suited for long term companionship. At this point WW MLC will do one of three things: some will go home to M & family, some will become and stay miserable/depressed, and some will repeat the process thinking results will be different w/ next OM and/or partner.

- Over 50% of WW stated that their OM's were less attractive than their LBS, but 90% said motivation for A was driven by fact that OM listens to them and makes them feel more appreciated than their LBS. (I think this could cross into and/or away from the MLC condition. It does not seem homogeneous to just WW MLC's).

- WW MLC is a control freak. Often complain about loss of control or being controlled by LBS during the M. Yet, MLC feels no control over their own behavior while in an MLC. They determine that if they can control others and their environment they will be whole again. Thus will request a need for space, a space of their own, or a desire to be alone. How do they try to maintain or gain control? leaving home, ignoring family/friends/others, having an A, being mean, being nice, changing jobs, etc. It is only when the WW MLC realizes that they have no control over others behavior that a break through can occur. LBS should set boundaries in a "firm and loving way" to illustrate they cannot be controlled.

- MLC is a form of depression. Depression is anger turned inward and anger is a large part of an MLC's journey. Anger is a path of least resistance. Anger comes from pain and disappointment. The more an LBS can remember this, the more sympathetic they can become toward their WW with MLC.

- WW MLC is indifferent and only focuses upon self. They only want fun & freedom - the irony is that they become dependent upon two men - the OM & the LBS - which is not freedom. The WW in MLC will not notice the pain or the lies they deliver to both partners during their crisis.

- Have a low self worth. Focus only on external experiences to ignore internal problems. MLC is an existential crisis. It is all about the person in it.

- WW MLC is emotionally driven which leads to poor decision making.

- MLC is poor with money. Might use it to impress OM or to buy things/services to "feel" better. Spending is another form of distraction.

- Can be very abusive to LBS and will deny the truth of what they are doing to LBS. Will want them to "move on" only to alleviate their own guilt.

- M or FM MLC can experience sexual dysfunction during crisis alone or w/ OM/OW. Men will have erection or performance issues, women may have irregular menstrual cycles or symptoms of perimenopause.

- WW LBS will may become possessive and jealous is they suspect LBS has moved onto another woman.

- Self-pity can come from childhood issues. Shows up in idea that they do not deserve love and this is a symptom of past abuse. Expressed as "why don't you date others" why don't you move on" "why don't you hate me" etc.

- MLC will be very sensitive to criticism in all forms from all realms of life - boss/LBS/OM/friends/family. This attacks low self-esteem and MLC will attempt to distance from criticism.

- Can attempt to create conflict w/ LBS in an effort justify their own horrible behavior.

- WW MLC will try to manipulate LBS into seeing things as they do by trying to alter perceptions, patterns, and values.

- MLC will withdrawal or abandon which imitates behavior learned in childhood. It is easier to run from reality than to face challenge of accomplishing dreams.

- An MLC will go through changes that may or may not be distinct.

- Going through an MLC is equated psychologically to going through a second childhood.

- Statistically, most WW MLC's will find their way back to what they once felt was important in life.

- eighty percent of marriages survive an MLC. If the WW/WH is not in an MLC that may only be revealed in time.

- In an MLC, the LBS is only a contributor and is not the cause for the WW/WH which is a distinct difference for other reasons spouses abadon M's.



Alright, that took some effort for me to input. My planned GAL's were abolished tonight by some bad weather earlier and friend's schedules, so I didn't mind using this instead. I do hope it helps. I would suggest, the above are not necessarily facts as they are scientific and statistical observations. The human condition is a fascinating and strange experience.