The end of May my H and I renewed our wedding vows to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary (slightly early, the actual date is 8/15). We have two boys, ages 11 and 9. The next day we left for Costa Rica for a week. The trip was a bust. I felt like we had different expectations and came away feeling disappointed.
After a week being home, and feeling like my H was distant I sat down and asked him what is going on. I felt like it was a disappointment, I said.
He revealed he has been miserable in our marriage for about eleven months and has been thinking about leaving for at least a few months. He had been wanting the trip to reinvigorate our marriage and came away completely emotionally detached and now was counting down the time until he left.
I was completely surprised. I immediately got us into a marriage counselor. I started working on all his list of complaints about me. But he seemed even further away. He was constantly on his phone and all of a sudden I noticed he had a password. Literally, a week after his revelation I decided to look at our phone bill and saw a phone number he texted almost 3,000 times in 3 weeks!
Turns out he was having an affair with a MUCH younger W. I put my foot down. He couldn't have us both. It was me or her. He said he ended it, I took more vacation time and we went on dates (during the course of 1 week). One night I drank too much, all my emotions came out and I yelled at him. I hit him. I cried. He revealed he was in love with this other woman. He wanted to separate.
In the light of the next day he came to me and said he wanted to work on our marriage. He had been feeling better, he said. But he was going to move to the basement to sleep though.
About 5 days later, after another therapy session and working on our marriage I found he had not cut off the relationship. I confronted him and he didn't deny it. I kicked him out of the house.
4 hours later he called and wanted to come home. He said, "I've been weighing what I'm losing and what I'm gaining and I'm being an idiot." he said all the right things. So I let him come home.
We went on another small trip. And I threw everything into saving my marriage. We were having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday. We were working out at the gym together everyday. I would cancel plans to spend time with him. The first 2 weeks were great but I could sense him detaching again. he would make small remarks that would hurt my feelings, which I would try and ignore.
Friday: Exactly one month after I kicked him out the first time we went out for a meal and drinks. Once again he did some small thing that hurt my feelings and I tried to ignore, but I could feel my emotions rising. When we got home (I was driving) I parked in the driveway and said I was going to go for a short drive. He wanted to know what happened, and I said nothing, I just needed to get away for a minute. I didn't want to argue and I didn't want to cry in front of him.
I was gone for 20 minutes.
When I got home he was gone. It was about 9:30 pm and the kids were left home alone. I sent my youngest son to go upstairs to watch tv, all of a sudden he started screaming and crying. "What is this? What does this mean? Did you write this?"
My husband left a note "I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!" with his wedding ring on top.
He turned off his phone and didn't answer calls.
Saturday: The next day, mid-afternoon, he wanted to talk. "I do want this to work. I want to be here." He said. So I said, "well, you can't come home just yet because the kids know. So let's date, let's go to counseling together, let's do quality family time." He said "ok."
Sunday: The next day he was supposed to pick us up at noon and showed up 30 minutes late and still not wearing his wedding ring. I asked him what his motivations are. "Are you using this separation to work on yourself and this marriage or are you getting more ok with being separated?" He asked, "Why do you ask?"
Later that day I said if you aren't willing to work on this marriage then why don't we just work toward divorce. He said, "ok." He came by the house a few hours after that to tell the kids "Daddy and mommy won't be together anymore."
Monday: The next day he came by to have a day of fun with the kids. After doing a lot of soul searching I approached him when he dropped the kids off.
I said, "I love you. I don't want a divorce. I want us to be together, I want our family together, and I want you to be happy. For the past month I've been trying to MAKE you happy but obviously I can't make you happy, you have to figure that out for yourself. So I am going to give you the space to do that." He said, "ok." And I walked off. (no physical contact)
I did NOT call or text him after this.
Wednesday: he texted:
"I don't expect you to answer me back and would completely understand. I would've texted sooner but I know how much you probably hate me and that scares me. I wanted to see how you are doing and to let you know I'll be by tomorrow to mow and to take the boys out. I'll come by and fix the toilet as soon as I get a chance. I'm working again (quit his job because she worked there) and I should have you the money you wanted for August and then some. I do miss you."
I didn't respond.
Thursday: he texted again:
"Yard is mowed. I was also wondering if you would like to go on hike with me this afternoon."
I didn't respond.
5 min later he texted again:
"I would take you out on a date but I don't have the money. If you don't want to just say no. I've been thinking a lot about what you said the other day. I do miss you and I'm not asking for everything to just bang bang happen and be back to normal. Just want to go on a hike with you."
I didn't respond
5 min later he called.
I told him I would meet him.
He said he would like to take me on dates and what would I think of that. I said, "I would like that, BUT you can't be talking to other women." We had small chit chat for about 30 min and then he ended the conversation, "This has been a good talk," he said, then went to get back to playing with the kids.
Friday: I haven't had a call or text and I haven't called or texted.
I'm trying to detach my clingy behavior from July. I'm lonely. I'm afraid he's yanking me around again, but I can't help be hopeful. The kids are hopeful. Please help.
