The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Hahahahaahahaa! Thanks Andrew P. Seriously, I'm glad I have thread that people can joke on.

So as promised and then I'm out to walk my dog. Asked earlier:
"I almost wish that there was an "idiot's guide to WW" that would outline the steps that a WW goes through along with the steps that the LBH has (grief, denial etc) complete with a couple of 2X4s for him to whack himself with every time that he thinks "no - this is different". AndrewP from another thread

I'll give what I found. I think best to outline stages first, but feel certain these have already be written somewhere else in the MLC forum. Anyway - conglomeration of most common things I read, not my interpretaion, not from single source...and don't stop going elsewhere for your own information. PS, majority of my info based on men w/ MLC spouse, but its all kinda universal. Many different monikers for the stages, but again, I am using the ones that seemed to pop up the most.

Stages of MLC:
1. Denial: They deny many things like age, attractiveness, self value, the un/happiness at work, death of someone, their accomplishments, the value of their spouse/M, unresolved childhood issues, addiction, - list goes on. Basically what negative things do people not want to accept about themselves gets denied. One thing that does seem to be realized is one's own mortality and the fact that many years are behind them - then that gets denied via the need to move on/up/out/start exercising/buy unaffordable crap, - fill it in people, list went on.

2. Anger: Angry at what they have been handed in life. None of it is good enough. None of it to their expectations. They feel trapped, suffocated, can't breath, etc. Begin to think if they could run-away, escape, do something exciting and make changes they could be happy. Often feel need to be alone to do this. This is stage where A begins on some level. They look for outside sources to blame and self-justification for hurtful actions begins.

3. Replay: A's in full swing, MLC feels entitled regardless of who they hurt - it's "time for me" to have fun/be free/live life (basically fill in whatever self aggrandizing bullshit you want here and that's what the MLC is using for an explanation). They do not understand what is going on. May not be able to explain their own behavior. May not know why they are running or want to go, but it is what they feel so they act. Usually stage where A is discovered by or disclosed to spouse.

Replay can be a long stage and happen again, ex. WW/WH dumps 1st OM/OW and gets another. Or WW/WH sleep around w/ many partners. I read in a few places, replay can continue for years w/ some people. Hope not for anyone reading this.

4. Depression: Party time effects wearing down and reality glimpses. MLC realizes or starts to that they have not faced their real issues and they feel like failures. Guilt compounds, negative thought overtakes, self-esteem gets lower. Start to realize all of the people left burning in their wake.

5. Withdrawal: Coming face to face with issues. Will either seek help and seek to reconnect but could easily rebel and go back to replay or tell LBS to end marriage and reject any deserve of love. Called the covert stage as it could resemble earlier stages and/or MLC could go backwards and refuse to face issues. Where LBS will be challenged most, should stand and gently encourage.

6. Acceptance: Fully account for their actions, finally face fears, apologies happen, must accept what they did and what happened, will struggle with temptation to go back to other stages. Maybe family/friends/Spouse/Kids is still there, maybe not.

Ok, start with that. Seriously though, consider this a survey, dig into science or psych locations if you want deeper. I can do my best to explain if asked, I welcome additions/corrections. But please don't base your future off this alone I am no expert. Also, there is a TON of overlap items between an MLC and other reasons that may be real and ultimately why we may be here.

Remember Occam's Razor (or don't if this is your 1st hearing of it): when down to a few choices, the simplest answer is usually the most accurate answer. More assumptions make things more complex, make chances of that being correct more unlikely.