Keep Wearing Wedding Band?

[ForGump]

I think it's symptomatic of actual pursuit and clinging dying away -- something they've grown to need to keep the warped view going -- which is good. For YOU.

JRuss--

So once the pursuit-clinging habit dies away ... once the warped view is gone ... what's left? What comes after that? According to the prevailing theory of WW/MLC/WAS?

[ForGump]

[quote=ForGump]Read Sandi's posts - especially from the HW and probably beyond the HW.

I've read a lot of Sandi2's posts, and they are great.

What is the "HW" post? Could you post a link to that message here for me?

[ForGump]

I think for me, timing is very important when you make contact.

This is a really great reminder for me. One of my faults is that I'm not sensitive enough to where she's at emotionally -- I gotta do a better job of tuning into where she's at, and don't make contact when she's not likely to be in a good place.

Thanks.

[ForGump]

The alien must have been there all along though and was just freed by BD.

I was talking to a coworker going through her own M issues ... about the flip, about things seeming do good then being blindsided ... how could we be gettin it on hot & heavy one week and the next there's the BD? ... and she told me don't underestimate a woman's ability to repress all kinds of thoughts and emotions to try to make something (i.e., a relationship) work like she thinks it should.

So yeah, the alien -- all those frustrations and resentment and contempt -- were always there underneath it all.

[ForGump]

CT1118-- great point about doing my own flip. It's a matter of degrees, I suppose. I think I've always been far more at peace w/ all the frustrations of married, compromised, coordinated life w/ my W. So I don't think it'll be a huge flip. Feels more like turning a big, slow banked curve on an empty desert road at 40mph on my bike. And I think the new direction is good for me -- to GAL, be less clingy, more independent, less afraid to upset the cart, be more interesting as a person, pursue more interesting things. I think these are all good for a new relationship (whether it's w/ my W or someone new). A switch is being flipped ... but it doesn't feel abrupt to me, more like stage lights in a playhouse theatre that dim slowly, curtains drop, then a hushed moment later, curtains rise as lights slowly brighten and there is a new backdrop. A slower transition, but I hope to make it.

And I do hope it's apparent to my W. It seems like to many W's, GAL & detaching appears abrupt, artificial, and weird. Validating sounds to them like creepy "therapy talk," and new, positive things you're doing seems like shallow, artificial changes: "You haven't done that for over ten years. Why you doing that now?!?!?"

[JRuss]

ForGump -- you know I'm no expert, and I'm anything but fully detached (getting a little better every day, I hope), but I think that the end of clinging/pursuit is just another way of saying "arriving at detachment". The WW notices the detachment -- that you don't follow her around the house or temp check or call/text multiple times per day -- and, eventually, can't keep the warped view going because there's simply no wood for that fire. This will either cause a move back toward the now-detached LBS or it won't (as you know, a lot of marriages just end, DB or not), but you'll be so much more prepared to survive and thrive if it doesn't. Easy for me to say of others -- living it all is the hard part.

Leaving soon to take the kids to the Lake. WW finally weighed in and said she does want to go. Not reading anything into it one way or the other. A bit bummed not to have solo time with the kids, frankly, but I know they'll enjoy having her there, and that is the trump card for me.

Have a good and peaceful weekend!

[ForGump]

What does DB say about fraternizing w/ members of the opposite sex while you're detaching and GAL? Is it a part of moving on? Or does it symbolize giving up, therefore inconsistent w/ DB?

[Coly23]

I'm sure DB says not to as this sometimes complicates things, especially if your S does want to reconcile.....

[ForGump]

Took my kids to a swimming hole today. What a great time! Love them more than life itself.

[albac]

Great stuff Gump, that's the stuff that keeps us going. Stay strong