Keep Wearing Wedding Band?

[Surfer]

Great comment JRuss. I get this behaviour all the time also ForGump. I have realised there are certain points in the week and day where conversations don't work. MWD comments on this - I think when talking about WHEN to 'push [the right] buttons (ie not the wrong ones)'. She talks about not talking to her H at certain times as she knows he will not be approachable. Is it possible that there is a pattern with your W?

For example when my W was living at home, ithe wrong time was early in the morning and late at night. I think that was/is when she is most stressed. As she is no longer at home I avoid those points in the day by default. I need to be careful when she drops the kids so I can take them to school now. At first she starting using this point in the day to spew, which would begin with any small point she could raise. Like she is looking for something to validate/justify her acting out her emotions on me. I read up on the Drama Triangle (see Theramin Trees website) which was useful in dealing with this.

When living at home I would not recognise her playing the Victim (to engage me) so I would Rescue and then she would turn Persecutor making me the Victim - she would then persecute until she had sufficient payoff - which was hard venting shouting and raging. Terrible times. Very frightening for me and the kids. I had to learn to recognise this behaviour and exit the 'game', before it started - it's kind of like a Game People Play (a good book on this is by Eric Berne). If you have not read this sort of stuff it's worth understanding - it's useful for all relationship work, friends etc. Remember if you engage in the game and don't exit quickly you are simply handing her a stick to beat you with. She will continue doing this until you stop the game - through boundaries. Remember though she is not doing this because she is bad or mad as such, she is doing it because she is sad, hurt and confused. This helps to not vilify her - which is important but very hard. We are all human and have feelings. But we are in control of them and can work on that.

My kids are away for 10 days on holiday with W now. But just prior to going I called to say I couldn't find S's sunglasses. I called her at work to let her know. They were just lost, no big deal, nobody will die but the spew was totally out of proportion. Looking back, I told her at the wrong time. She was very stressed at work and she was trying to keep it together whilst trying to get organised for holiday, missing the kids (they were with me for 9 days) etc - she tends to crack under these kind of pressures. So I now know not to phone her at work or when she might be under pressure and ready/likely to crack.

I think for me, timing is very important when you make contact. Best keeping it to the minimum. It gives space. Not for a bad reason - for good. It allows space so you are not always in their face reminding them of their negative image of you - which is largely constructed in most cases - hence don't believe what they say. You will have faults of course, we all do, as do our S's, so I am just trying to work on mine, be the best person I can be and give space so she can see that.

JRuss is most likely right. It is perhaps a persuit thing. And yes they will say they don't want that and they will spin/twist everything and even gaslight you to say you are doing that not them (I have read a little about projection to try and understand this, don't know if that might help you?). However, often only confuses to think through what they are saying too much IMHO. So I try not to. Mind reading has never been anyone's strong point. The reasons why etc are perhaps best left alone sometimes, as are constructed persuit or distancing patterns.

This is just my view, and I am no expert, I am simply trying to find a way through like you. So I am going to continue without persuit, strategy etc and just focus on the gift of time I have been given to be the best version of me I can be, work on my faults, focus in work, enjoy life as fully as I can and have a great time with the kids when I have them. If she gets through her journey and sees me all well and good, if not that's okay too.

I hope it helps if only to see that someone else is going through similar circumstances and is still trying. Hang in there and keep up the good work!

Take care.