Albac broken but pushing forward

[albac]

Time to start a new thread.

Not a huge change today still feeling very confuesed about everything, including now questioning what I really want.

Still getting sent in a spin by W's constant contact and wanting to know what in doing. But starting to block it out and push forward with as little contact as possible so she can work out what she really wants and I can do the same.

[albac]

Not sure how to do the link but I'll give it a try

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2659319&page=1

[ForGump]

Albac,

Can you articulate in your own words what is driving your W to initiate and carry on so much communication with you? What feelings are driving her? What kind of a response is she seeking from you?

[albac]

Gump, this is something I think about everyday. I think it is a mix of her being young, not knowing exactly what she wants, guilt for leaving, trying to keep me around for D and pretend we are a family even though she wants to be single right now.

It is a very strange feeling. Everytime we speak we both sound so happy and it's almost think she has to pull herself back because she all of a sudden thinks that she can't seem happy. Yesterday I had to tell her I was busy and had to go after 15 minutes or so of her downloading everything on to me that she just wanted to talk about. Obviously being together for as long as we were and being married we use to talk a lot so she still feels like I am someone she can talk to about everything.

I really don't have the answers, she keeps saying to me she doesn't care if I hate her. Like she wants me to hate her so she feels less guilt for what she has done either that or it is a temp check for me to say I don't hate you I'm unsure on how to read it.

My W has always been quick to chop and change what she wants she is always looking for the next quick fix to make her happy. She just started a college degree after thinking about it for about 1 week. She jumps in and deals with the consequences later ...or never

[ForGump]

My W has always been quick to chop and change what she wants ... She jumps in and deals with the consequences later ...or never

Wait, that sounds just like my W! Hey have you been messin' around with my ...

Seriously -- I think that kind of personality trait is not that uncommon. I think psychologists call it something like "poor impulse control", and it's prevalent among teenagers but most teens grow out of it, as they develop better control over their impulses.

Anyhow... like I said before... all that communication, IMO, is huge emotional cake-eating. You're giving her an all-you-can-eat emotional buffet, with to-go boxes to boot.

[albac]

Gump, yes our W's sound very similar and mine has no impulse control and it is the reason I am trying so hard to go NC because I know everything will come crashing down around her.
She decided in one week that she wanted to start a degree that goes for 6 years while trying to raise our daughter and work part time. I hate to say it because I don't want to see her struggle but it is doomed to fail I see it as less then a 1% chance she will see It out.

The thing I struggle with he most right now is to stick to my boundaries when she wants contact all the time without seeming angry or mean. I need to find ways to shut it down without seeming cold which is hard because for one I like talking to her and the feeling it gives is that I'm pushing her away even though I know it's the only way to bring her closer.

I have only really been trying this for a week or so now and I feel each day I'm getting better. I never contact her so that is not a problem for me it's just dealing with when she contacts me that is the problem.

[RSG]

The thing I struggle with he most right now is to stick to my boundaries when she wants contact all the time without seeming angry or mean. I need to find ways to shut it down without seeming cold which is hard because for one I like talking to her and the feeling it gives is that I'm pushing her away even though I know it's the only way to bring her closer.

I have only really been trying this for a week or so now and I feel each day I'm getting better. I never contact her so that is not a problem for me it's just dealing with when she contacts me that is the problem.

This is something I'm going through as well. I've stopped initiating everything, but she KEEPS ON. I feel bothered more than anything. I want to keep all communication to MAJOR incidents w/S, scheduling and anything with money. I'd encourage you to try answering the phone less and less, and to keep conversations short. Say you have to go after 5 minutes, unless it's an actual discussion about something important.

I'm sending her an email tonight or tomorrow to state my boundaries re communication. You can peek in on my thread if you'd like....

[albac]

RSG, I have been keeping up to date on your thread.

It is definitely hard to have the control to keep things short and cut it off especially when it is the person we are trying to get back that wants to talk to us.

I am getting better at ignoring calls and leaving texts for a few hours and actually trying to get to a point where I really don't care that she has tried to contact me. I ignored the first 3 calls yesterday then answered on the 4th, it wasn't important at all and she half fave me attitude for not answering the first 3.

I still find it odd that someone who has left and by all accounts has moved on needs to talk to me so much. I think it's just guilt and maybe even feels she is obligated to try and keep me around for the sake of our D. She is a very confused person I don't even try to guess what she is thinking

[ForGump]

I still find it odd that someone who has left and by all accounts has moved on needs to talk to me so much.

She has moved on from you being a husband.

She still is attached to you in a brother-sister way, so she wants to keep talking to you. But that is exactly the problem, isn't it? You don't want to be her #$@! brother!

[JRuss]

albac -- I think you have a good opportunity here. Take a day -- just one -- and don't pick up the phone once or answer a single text. She's clearly dependent on whatever she's getting emotionally from all of this; time to let her see what you not in the picture will be like. She won't like it.