Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...

[Painter]

Hey SH, just a clarification - this is a TEDx talk, not a TED talk - so it can't be found on the TED website, but on YouTube.

[SH_]

Yes miss Painter. Tedx is correct. I google much and pull it that way and lump the 2 when speaking of them.
I have to remember them as separate for better reference.

Thank you for the assist and clarification.

[Phoebe]

Hello from the spinning vortex. Just kidding. SH, I very, very much appreciate your concern and caring and all of the time you put into your post. I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart.

I will respond to it more thoroughly very soon, but I need to get some shut-eye. Tomorrow' s GAL activities start early and this evening's kept me out late.

I will say that today I spent a few hours with my neighbor-friend, as well as seeing her a couple hours on Sunday. Tomorrow, I am going on a biking and paddle boarding (first time ever) adventure with my hiking-friend and her daughter, and I also saw her on Monday at her home. I've been texting with a woman I met at my BAN meeting, giving each other support, and we were going to meet for tea tomorrow, but she had to change her plans.

So, I still am putting in genuine effort to connect with new people, but you are right, I am spending a major amount of time with one person in particular: L-friend. I don't think I'd label it as a strained friendship. We just butt heads sometimes, yet we also sort it out every time without raised voices or overt anger, despite impassioned positions on some subjects. And, just to clarify, though I thought I relayed the story earlier, that has been a physical relationship as well as friendship since the beginning of July. I don't talk about it much because, quite frankly, I worry that people here will disapprove. The truth is, however, that we both entered into this very clear-eyed, and we have been forthright about our lack of interest in trying to make this look or feel anything but what it is - impermanent and fluffy.

Falling asleep again. More tomorrow.

[Phoebe]

Think that fluffy is an autocorrect artifact, but I can't remember what I actually was trying to write! I literally dropped the phone on my face last night because I was falling asleep. (I was writing in bed.). Then I apparently forgot to hit submit.

My relationship with L-friend is impermanent and friendly, but definitely caring and carefully considered. I know it's Ill-advised to be involved with anyone at this point, but it has really helped me in a lot of ways. For starters, I am now sleeping well again (as long as I manage to get to bed I sleep 6-7 hours now) and eating well. I've put on 10 of the 34 pounds I gave up.

I don't feel married any more, and I don't think I'm avoiding dealing with that. I dropped the rope somewhere along the way, and lost any remaining feeling to I wanted WH in my life after I read his writings last month. The man I loved and thought I knew is just gone.

I will admit that I'm avoiding dealing with the financial paperwork for my lawyer without a doubt. Yuck. But, I am definitely in communication with both of my lawyers regularly, so not avoiding the whole subject of divorce, just that specific set of papers.

More later. Thank you Painter and Miss V for checking in on me, too.

[JksD]

Phoebe,
If you're awake, could you drop by cherry's thread?

She's having a bad day.

[SH_]

My dear sweet Phoebe.

I have some thoughts that I would love to share with you from your recent reply. I will gather them as they may be sensitive in a manner of speaking and I want to be sure that my intent comes through and that you absolutely feel that it comes from a place that holds you in very high esteem and is from me that cares for you and your well being.

Sleep well tonight and I hope that fang of yours is healing up some and that you are feeling better from it.

Side note, I received the d paperwork from my L today.
Weird emotion and reaction. I feel giddy to have it signed sealed and delivered and behind me. Not upset, nor nervous, maybe a little annoyed at the time I may have to put forth for some of it, but I felt calm and ready to move on. Basically cool as a cucumber.
Not what I expected. Not sure if this has a meaning, or if this damed numb feeling I have is from the AD's.
Please tell me that is not the case. grrr, I have to talk to the doc and get off of them so I can find out.
It is a low dose, but how did I go from hyper anxiety and depression to an almost, I don't give a sheeit feeling?

Hmmm...something to ponder as I doze off to sleep here.

Big hugs for my favorite nature loving, F this sheeit meditation, pencil smiling, chicken mama, lovely Dear sweet Phoebe.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

So, my car decided that paddle boarding was not happening yesterday. I drove from my sleeping quarters to my farm and everything seemed fine, but when I left the farm to go paddleboard, my car started squealing screeching and generally sounding like it was going to die. It was wonderful metal-on-metal kind of sound. I made it about a mile down the road before I realize that it wasn't the music sending strange on my radio, it was my car!!! I turned around and limped my poor vehicle back to town for repairs. Luckily it was a minor and very inexpensive issue, a bent brake dust shield, but it trashed my plans. I was really disappointed!

Once I got my car back in the early afternoon, I worked on my dreaded financial paperwork for a while. Yuck, but as L-friend reminded me, my pencil was moving across the paper, so I made progress. Then I biked with him and had a nice dinner.

I slept a whopping 8-ish hours last night, for only the second time since WH walked. It's so nice to be sleeping again. Of course, it brought a dream of WH in which his new paramour had lovely little children, when he didn't want any with me in real life. I'd say that I'm feeling the loss of little ones in my life lately. Nothing for it. That ship sailed a long time ago.

Anyway, today is a day for more legal paperwork and then tonight is my usual Thursday night out with my mom. I really enjoy those, and value the time with her.

Time to start my day! I hope that everyone has a good one today.

[Phoebe]

SH, I am also wanting to get off my ADs, or at least down to a lower dose. I am not feeling numb or anything untoward emotionally, but I am having night sweats almost every night that leave me drenched and shifting to dryer parts of the bed all night long. I'm glad I have a queen-sized bed so I have some real estate to work with, but I feel like a typewriter all night... move over, move over, move over... DING and carriage return, back to the starting point and repeat...

I'm also sweating a lot during the day, too, but at least that's a bit more manageable.

Emotinally, I think I'm doing really well, and some part of that is probably the ADs, and some larger part is simply that I've done a lot of healing and have much better coping capacity now.

So, I'm wanting to start tapering off my dosage, too.

[Cherry]

It's so good to hear you doing better. Both you and SH saying that you want to start lowering your dosage of ADs.

Seeing people start to move ahead in life, putting the graft in gives me hope that this may not all seem as painful in a few months. Maybe it's the limbo and staying on WHs crazy train that his prevented me from moving forward and healing.

I should take a leaf out of your book and GAL a bit more, but I must admit that I get tired just reading your activities! Haha.

Sorry to hear about the car! That sounds frustrating to say the least, I hope you can reschedule.

I just glanced that you said you were concerned people would disapprove of your r with L friend. I'm sorry you felt that way. I think you're the best judge on when you are ready or not. And if it feels right, well I think you truly deserve happiness.

[SH_]

Good evening Phoebe.

Dang those cars! Hopefully you can reschedule the paddle boarding. D18 went yesterday with her friend and had an absolute blast. So I guess I am gonna have to go soon.

Well, we both said we did not want the AD's forever and they did their job and helped slow the bleeding for us so we could do some work with the healing.
Now I want to know if I am stronger now and want to drop the crutches.
Then I can be sure. This whole thing has made me doubt to much about myself and I want a clear picture now so I can forge on forward. We talk a lot about how the WAS re writes history. I think the LBS does as well. Just a different flavor of rewrite, but a rewrite nine the less.

Anyway, not sure that I am trying to u derail do my past so much as I am just trying to figure out my current state of feeling so calm as I wade through the icky steps of the d process. I really feel as calm as I do when doing any other type of contract paperwork or what have you. But anyway, nuff about that.

I have a week off from work after tomorrow and I have some fun planned, and some time that I still need to fill in. My b day is gonna be a new milestone for me, as I don't want to waste another year just living day to day. I want to truly live and feel pride in success and failure alike.
I watched a Ted Talk (speaking of Ted Talks, I kinda feel like you are avoiding that topic with me. What's up with that? ) from a young lady that did a project of overcoming 100 fears in 100 days. I loved the concept and am looking closely to trying something of the same manner.

Anywhooo it's late, I gotta early morning, but wanted to drop by and see how your doing. I miss ya as of late. Your GALing the hell out of your days. Keep an eye on that tank so it does not hit empty without slowing down and refilling it.

Sleep well, and dry, and without the dinging of a typewriter.