My wife walked out 4

[RSG]

RSG,

What is your goal in emailing to W? What do you hope to achieve here? I would want to take another look at the tone and approach contained in the email message. If you were in her shoes, how would you receive it? What would be your initial reaction in reading that first draft?

Take a really objective look at it and see if that will bring you closer to your goal here?

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts and analysis on the above questions.

My therapist asked me the same, I'll try to repeat what I said yesterday. I hope to establish space for myself, to act and live independently of her. Like a single Dad. I hope to show her what life would be like without me and my advice so accessible. To show her that I have no interest in being friends, but I can take care of him and live without her. That I don't need her instructions to raise S.

In her eyes? I'd probably be confused, and wonder what I did. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? Basically the way I felt when she left, but on a smaller scale. Does he really not want anything to do with me? Is he done?

I'm going to have a hard time formulating this I know, but one thing my therapist did say was to stick with I and how I feel. Including YOU would be threatening, and be more of a reaction rather than an expression of how I feel.

Does that help?

[CT1118]

FWIW - I went through the schedule changes w/ my WW. I had been allowing her to make the schedules and she would alter. I had enough when she requested an entire weekend free of S. My response, was succinct:
"I am sorry, this recent schedule change does not work for me. I am currently committed to schedule we had both agreed upon. Would you be open to discussing changes for the following weekend? I am open to that. When you have some time you can let me know".

Then I attached the schedule she had made below my sentences. Not sure how that holds up to Wonka's mastery, but its what I did and I will point out that I did agree to swap one weekday with another, but kept the weekend as it was. Looked like business to me, and business does have some give and take.

[CT1118]

Not sure how that holds up to Wonka's mastery, but its what I did and I will point out that I did agree to swap one weekday with another, but kept the weekend as it was.

PS...Wonka, if my quote above looks like sarcasm, it is not. I have seriously printed your validation stuff out and tried to memorize concepts. I don't just use in on my WW, but I actually began experimenting on all people and, truly, it makes a difference. And, I am usually really good at speaking to people, but what you offer is great. So there, there's that.

[Wonka]

CT,

Nooo worries! We're cool. I am glad that you find the validation cheat sheet really helpful. It does get better with practice and having time to do this on various people you encounter as you go about your day. It is such a part of my every day life that I don't think twice on what I need to say or struggle to formulate them. Yeah, it's good to get some practice on co-workers, bosses, friends, or that lady in the store.

RSG,

I would suggest that you wait a few more days before sending of an email to W. What I have learned from experience that it usually is more effective to write one or two (or 50 drafts) then step away for a day or two as one gains an altogether perspective when one is not under stress or at an emotional time.

Agree?

Now that I have given you some feedback earlier, why don't you post your second draft here so we all can work with you on it. I think you're ready since you've been around here for some time.

[RSG]

CT

RSG,

I would suggest that you wait a few more days before sending of an email to W. What I have learned from experience that it usually is more effective to write one or two (or 50 drafts) then step away for a day or two as one gains an altogether perspective when one is not under stress or at an emotional time.

Agree?

Now that I have given you some feedback earlier, why don't you post your second draft here so we all can work with you on it. I think you're ready since you've been around here for some time.

Yes, I agree. Here's what I have so far. I'm a good writer generally, but I just don't have much confidence writing something like this!

I have been thinking, that our communication right now is a bit much. I feel very overwhelmed and that our communication does not match our situation as Separated spouses. I just feel like I need space at this time, and I'd like our communication level to reflect that. I will let you know if there is any issue with Stanton of course, but barring that just assume that he is in good hands with Daddy.




Whaddya think Wonka?

[RSG]

Wake up today at 6AM. Look at the phone "Have you talked to his teacher? Also, he should be in new clothes when he goes to bed not what I send him to school in."

I had posted a sweet pic of little guy asleep last night, after he woke up a little cranky and I got him some milk to fill him up. He was wearing the shirt he wore to school, it didn't harm his skin. That was it. 2 major boundaries crossed: 1) Disrespectful communication. I mentioned I didn't care for the way she answered the phone yesterday, calling as she requested, answering with a surly WHAT? and then waking up to instructions/critiques? 2) Challenging my parenting.

I restricted her on Facebook. I have kept it open, because it didn't bother me and I didn't feel any need to do otherwise. Using a picture I posted (of him zonked out, hugging his teddy bear) to send me parenting instructions is ridiculous. When she asked why, I said I didn't care for how you spoke to me yesterday and I didn't like waking up to accusatory texts. She said she was just reminding me, and that she's just "reiterating" things not getting on me. She noticed I restricted her after about an hour.

She said I'm reading into stuff too much, just worried about his sensitive skin. (He's fair skinned like me.) I didn't lash out, I just told her I was communicating how I'm feeling. I didn't get into the depths of it, but it feels like she's trying to control my parenting and to make up for the fact S has really developed a great attachment towards me. It also feels like she's spying on me a little, and that she feels she can speak to me in any way.

She was immediately more respectful and nicer in her communication. We spoke about next week's schedule and looking into a new doctor. She made note that she will be going to Church Sunday again.

I don't like this, but felt like it needed to be done. I guess I know what it means when someone says the feel smothered, because that's how I feel. I'm glad I talked about it w/my therapist before I did anything though. Being able to process my thoughts and bounce them off someone else really allowed me to formulate a plan and know what I'm doing. I guess it means I shouldn't send the email for another few days, as it could be taken as punishment. But, no biggie there. It's needs tweaks anyway!

[MoveFrwd]

I have been thinking, that our communication right now is a bit much. This seems vague. What do you mean by "a bit much"? too frequent? too long? too detailed? I think you can combine this sentence and the following one to cut the text in half.

I feel very overwhelmed and that our communication does not match our situation as Separated spouses. You say "overwhelmed", but I think this could be interpreted as you dont know what you are doing so much parenting wise. It makes you sound out of control. I think you may want to consider another word.

I just feel like I need space at this time, and I'd like our communication level to reflect that. I will let you know if there is any issue with S of course, but barring that just assume that he is in good hands with Daddy. I dont love the "just assume" part. Cant you just say that he IS in good hands with you?

[CT1118]

She was immediately more respectful and nicer in her communication. We spoke about next week's schedule and looking into a new doctor. She made note that she will be going to Church Sunday again.

I don't like this, but felt like it needed to be done. I guess I know what it means when someone says the feel smothered, because that's how I feel. I'm glad I talked about it w/my therapist before I did anything though.

RSG, you are such an inspiring badass at defending your boundaries. I got no comments on your email/letter other than glad you chose to sit on it for a few days. That stuff above in the quote is legendary though.

[RSG]

Thanks Darknes. I feel so silly. I'm normally a great writer. I love to do it, impressed everyone from my college profs to friends. Before she went nuts, W told all her friends if they needed help with anything to send it to me.

I knew my draft wasn't very good, but these pointed critiques/improvements are very welcome!!

[RSG]

Haha you're crazy! It took me a long time to get here, and a LOT of encouragement from the fam here. Also, I've learned how little I like who I was during the first 6mos of this year and how I was a doormat. I'm trying not to be ugly, but I know standing up for myself is paramount. And I know exactly what Sandi means when she talks about tough love.


Actually, I didn't mean new doctor as that might imply someone for her or me. I meant a new pediatrician for the little guy.