Happy birthday M, a few days late - just checking in here today ... I have a few thoughts which are worth exactly what you're paying for, namely $0, so take it for what it's worth:
I read about H and the birthday awkward/ineptitude and saw it a bit differently: in the past your H has complained about you not wanting to be with him or make time for him. I'm not saying he did great ... but I am saying he did pretty good for MLC - still baking. Look at it from this perspective for a second: he took S shopping. He paid for presents. He ineptly tried to spend time with you (after plans were already made) .... remember they are in the MLC time zone, very different from the rest of us. Is it possible that H felt a bit rejected when you said you had plans (I know this seems preposterous to the rest of us but bear with me)?
You guys are all suffering from post vacation let down for one thing, plus it must be weird spending vacation together only to go home to separate places. i think H retreating is not unexpected in that circumstance?
I'm so very sorry you are hurting. I completely understand where you are coming from. I am throwing this out there in hopes of giving a bit of perspective for what might be going on. MLC is a lodestone around our necks at times, never moreso than around family events like anniversaries and birthdays.
Anyway, we love you and I wish you the best of all things this coming year and always xoxoxox
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Happy Belated Birthday! I'm glad your h at least purchased some gifts for you. I have to agree w/bttrfly...he did take your son shopping, etc. Maybe your h, in his mlc mind, is getting mixed signals from you. Maybe he thought you were just telling him you had plans and didn't want to spend time w/him. It's hard to say what goes through his mind.
As for him distancing himself after the vacation...I'm not surprised. They enjoy family time and then distance themselves for a bit. They need to settle back down and think about things and trust me, he'll come around again very soon.
Try to remember...it's not you...it's him and he's still baking.
BTW, time to start a new thread!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Mleigh - happy belated birthday! I don't have much to add to what Bttrfly and Job have said, but I want you to know I am reading along and thinking of you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Mleigh, happy belated Birthday! I like bttrfly’s comment. Looks like your H tried to do something, but it came out very awkward to you. You just never know what is going on in the mind of a MLCer and why they do certain things. I was trying to process the thinking behind my H’s gift for my B-day (a lipstick), while my mutual friends were telling me that he made a comment that he wished I removed my clothes from “his” closet at the Condo. Go figure…
I’m sorry that H’s actions (or inactions) on your B-day set you back. And I completely understand why you are asking all these questions about the future and what you want, and about your son and his wellbeing and his place in all of this…
I’m glad you are staying busy and keep moving along with your life. I know it sounds like a broken record, but I do believe that the answers will come sooner or later. It does seem like a long time that you’ve been in this “limbo” state, but it is probably nothing in MLC time. I totally agree with job, that your H is still baking… Take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I dont have anything to add to what has already been said about h and your b/day, I understand it from both sides. I am sad you are feeling so hurt by his actions ....or inactions as the case is ... you had an image of how the day would go in your head and it didn't happen, so the disappointment is very much felt. The golden rule M, no expectations - easy said than done I know, its a trap I fall into often.
You had a really lovely vacation and felt the connection, even as just a friend, so to have h retreat and go back to his own world really does cause confusion and yes, rejection. Its the worst feeling and each time it happens you will question if he is really the one, if he is really worth it, but m, don't make any decisions now, be patient, keep going forward on your own path and focusing on your future and allow your h to work out his own. I know its hard and I myself am terrible at practicing what i preach, but try to remember, when he says and does things that you feel are hurtful, your h generally has no clue that it is, he is most likely not doing it intentionally, his thinking is completely out of whack right now.
Look after yourself M, treat yourself kindly this weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
