New here and separated

[ForGump]

Not sure if I did the right thing but just sent a text to H to thank him for bringing over the takeaway and wine and said we had a good evening. He responded quite a while later to say he had a good evening too and hoped I have a good weekend. Do you think this would be considered pursuing?

I can't remember off the top of my head all that he's done to you or is doing to you but ... it seems like texting him about your feelings is pursuing. I hope you can find the strength to curtail that. Think about everything else he's doing or has done to you to remind yourself of the big picture -- he probably doesn't deserve the warmth from you. He might be cake-eating ... doing whatever the heck he wants, while getting warmth and affirmations from you.

[ForGump]

... I just want to tell him to back off as he is making if too easy for my H to move on. How can he miss his own family if he is getting cosy with someone else's!

I would actually guess that seeing other families would make him miss his own very much!

In any case, I think trying to influence his friends is a bad idea....

[Coly23]

Hi ForGump, your right I was try get to show him some warmth when I texted him and it upset me when it wasn't reciprocated.

My mind was working overtime yesterday. Although there is no evidence and he has denied it I keep expecting OP to come out of the woodwork any day soon. I just can't get my head around how cold he has become towards me, it's frightening! Even though I have slipped a few times over this past week and a half of going dim it doesn't seem to me that he is interested in contacting me at all which makes me think he still doesn't miss me. I still cry every day and when I'm at work it's impossible to concentrate as all I want to do is cry. I just want to be me again and it feels like I will never get there. I don't smile much anymore and find no pleasure in anything. I can't even drown my sorrows as alcohol holds no pleasure for me anymore which is a good thing!

I dont really know how long to go dim for before I should give up and try something else, but what? Do the majority of WAS make contact or am I just kidding myself that he will? I know DB is about getting yourself in a better place to be able to handle whatever happens but I'm finding it so difficult to do this. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of this game waiting for my turn to roll the dice to move to the next step but H won't pass it on to me and is not giving me a chance or any hope of ever winning this game.

I feel so frustrated, confused and angry. I get annoyed sometimes when I see negative posts on here about the chance of reconciliation being very slim and how you should do this for yourself. Again I feel like I have no hope at all of saving this marriage and it is making me feel very sad. I just want to be able to hold on to something, anything to give me some hope it I don't know how to get that without asking H directly and risking it all. I just don't get any of this. I know it's process is meant to feel unatural as it is counterintuitive but how does that help to make me GAL when every bone in my body is screaming! I keep thinking what have I got to lose by asking him directly? I've already lost the husband I once knew how much worse can it get? I know I should be trying to show myself in the best light so he will want to comeback to me and I have been doing that for a few weeks now and I don't know if it is making any difference because I dont know what is what is going on in his mind or if there is an OP involved which will mean, at the moment, anything I do will go unnoticed anyway. Arrggghh! I just want to curl up under my duvet and never come out!

[Coly23]

I really want to contact him so badly! Even more than that I want to know if he is seeing someone else, how do I do that???

[ForGump]

Coly23, I hope you did not do it. I don't know you but I feel like I understand the pain you're in. In the depths of pain I've felt, I just wanted to die. I wasn't (and am not) suicidal. I just felt completely hollowed out and dead inside. I wasn't wishing for happiness, I wasn't wishing to have my W back. I just wanted the blackness inside myself to be gone.

This might help, maybe just slightly: look at your D, think of what kind of a person you need to be for her. Think of what strength and integrity she needs to see in you.

Also, think of the man your H is now. Not who he was -- because that man you fell in love with is not who your H is now, at least not entirely. He is someone who has walked away from you. Did he have enough respect and love for you to talk through the problems he felt in the marriage? Did he give you and himself a fair chance to work on it? Probably not -- your H is someone who is self-focused and immature. That is the person you are desperately hoping to get in touch with.

That person is ONLY going to be driven further away from you if you pursue him.

[Coly23]

Hi ForGump, thanks for your response. I didn't contact him in the end. My daughter also talked me down this afternoon!

I know what you are saying. He did leave me, he didn't give our marriage a chance and he is definitely not the man I met and married. I just have to keep playing those statements out in my mind every time I have a weak moment! I need to be strong and supportive for D, she deserves me to be there for her, he deserved nothing from me right now.

This has got to be the hardest the thing I have ever gone through in my life. I didn't know I could feel so much pain and despair as I do now. I wouldn't ever wish this on my worst enemy. Thank you for being so supportive and making me make sense of the situation. If he really wanted me he would be here and not sitting in a one bedroom Batchelor pad in the middle of the city!

[ForGump]

I think divorce has really long-term effects on children, and there is a good chance your daughter may emulate parts of your life when she's grown. So how you conduct yourself right now will leave a lasting impression when she's a grown woman and in a marriage or contemplating marriage. Think of how you want your daughter to remember you going through this difficult time.

But I think I know something about how you feel. Everything that I read and talk about w/ good friends and my therapist ... the stuff I wrote you ... it all makes sense in my head. But when I see or think about my W ... there is some animal, reptilian part of my brain that just defies logic and sense. It just craves the intimate partner that I was intertwined with, and not having her drives me into black despair. I don't think there is a way to purposely purge that animal instinct. It has to fade by itself, on its own time, or be replaced by an instinct for someone else -- hopefully someone more loving and mature.

Hang in there. One day at a time.

[Coly23]

Thanks ForGump. It's do hard to hide my feelings from my D at the moment but I do make sure she can still be a typical teenager and not just trying to help mummy hold it all together...

I had a nice evening today. Played badminton after work with the wife of H's best friend and then had pizza round their house. Played with the kids and had a small glass of wine. The only down side was they told me that the friend who has been helping H with accommodation etc is having his annual BBQ in September and it seems everyone is invited except me - great! I guess that's what I will have to expect from now on.

Another thing is that I'm just so confused about what to do. I have gone semi-dark since Saturday afternoon and I've not heard a peep from H. Usually by now we would have arranged for family night which is usually on a Friday but me and my D thought we would wait to see if H contacts us first because w are always arranging it. I feel really conflicted because is him coming over once a week with a takeaway and a bottle of wine his way of slowly reconnecting and am I jeopardising that by going semi-dark?

[ForGump]

Their loss for not having you @ the BBQ....

I'd stay dim, but don't pressure your D to go one way or the other. Let her do what she'd like. If your H loves your D (like he says he does?) then it's really a low bar ... for him to pick up the $#@! phone and call her.

Stay strong. I'm trying too.

[Coly23]

Thanks ForGump, I am really disappointed with him, however D the texted him asking why he has not contacted us and he texted us both back asking if we would like to go to lunch either Saturday or Sunday. Family night during the week only came because my daughter has quite a busy social life at the weekend so we suggested he comes over to us. He actually comes mainly to see D. However as a coincidence my daughter can't do any evening this week so the weekend is good for us. Should I be encouraged that he has included me in this invitation?