OK Well I realized that I didn't want to be around him because I was afraid of the discomfort and that I had nothing to be afraid of because the worst isn't that bad - the breaking up or the chatising. We talked in much the same way until I got so agitated that I started to say things to hurt his feelings such as "my friend never wants to be around you again because of the way you behaved" and "you want an unconventional marriage because you're insecure and need women fawning over you but I don't, I want a conventional marriage so that's that." and when he told me I should prove to him how he could trust me I said - no I can't prove anything to you. And when I said I was too agitated was tired of all the fingers pointing at me and none at him and I didn't want to talk anymore he said "when you're calm you can come talk to me again." and I said "No when you have a positive clear request then come talk to ME - (tired of hearing everything you don't want and nothing you DO want. Such of "be loving" but not liking any examples of that.") then he texted that he could explain his health to me (he was saying I didn't care. I was saying that when he criticizes me in the same paragraph I can't hear anything else and I shut down) and then he texted that he would go to counseling with me.... not sure what that means. And he asked me to come out so he could explain his medical condition. So finally I went out and listened and took notes and asked questions. Then he asked if I wanted to watch tv. I said OK and we watched tv and then went to our own rooms. I guess it's partly that I'm afraid to be around him when he's critical and afraid I'll lose my temper in return. It's all such a power struggle. He didn't budge until I walked away and told HIM to come to ME when he had some positive clear constructive ideas. I'm still figuring out what my 180 is. I thought it was creating my own life away from him but I really need to focus on the children a lot and less on my own thing. Today my daughter asked me to read my own book next to her and I did.
