A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

I just want to add, I don't mean to come off sounding unappreciative of the fact that H even acknowledged my birthday, let alone took S out shopping for me. I know many here get nothing and I know the pain that brings, my heart hurts for all of us here. My sadness comes from the reminder, on a special occasion, that my marriage is dead.

I can't put down H for his heart not being in it, because my heart no longer is either. Maybe he senses the same thing I do... I love him and I love that we have built a friendship...

I am upset with both of us, that we are not able to get it together enough to fix this. I continue to hate the back and forth that S has to do, I hate that H chooses to live alone instead of with his family. I hate feeling scared to bring things up, to discuss the reality in front of us. I think about D daily, yet I realize no one wins. Whether we continue like this or D, S continues to pay the price having to go back and forth. I wonder, if we work through and stay together, am I settling? I wonder, having always been the leader in this R, if I should push a little, but do I really want that?

Job, I know you always tell us the answers will come, and many of mine have, and I truly believe they will. I keep telling myself, this is all part of the process. Each day, each situation, each step is needed. I have faith in that and I keep digging for the strength to keep moving on, to keep the peace, and to be the rock for my family.

You all are a part of my strength, thank you for always being there.

M