A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hi all,

Well, vacation is over and it's back to the real world. Also seems that H has retreated a bit back into his hole.

Contact is still friendly, but scarce. I am still digging into my own feelings towards H. The weekend after vacation, H had S, who wanted to go swimming. He had some errands to run, but eventually got S to his dad's to swim, and invited me, but warned of a big rig crash on the freeway that had traffic backed up. I checked and Sig alert showed bad traffic, so I passed. About an hour later, I took the same route to hang out with a friend at her house. H called while I was there and sounded surprised I was nearby, I felt a bit guilty? But honestly, I felt like some fun, and my friend is more fun to be around than H. Ouch, right? Eh, we need our girl time.

It surprises me that I don't yearn to be around H anymore. Those feelings have long faded....I continue to think, every single day, that this is going nowhere, that there is something better than this out there, and that I don't see us coming out of this married. Every Single Day.

Last weekend I had S and he again wanted to swim at pappa's with his buddies. I picked up his friends and took them, I also let H know. He ended up coming and barbecued us hamburgers, which was nice of him. One weird thing, the boys ages are 9 and 11, too young, in my opinion, to be left unattended in the pool. Everytime I would pop in the house for something, H either had his back to them or would come in the house. I finally said, someone needs to stay out here with the boys, they can't be left unattended. H said, they all know how to swim, right? I said yes, but they are still too young to be left alone, not to mention we are responsible for 2 that are not ours. I was shocked about H, and now worry about him taking S swimming. The next time, I plan on talking to S, to make sure he stays out of the pool if no adult around.

The night before that, S informed me that H forced him to shower instead of letting him take a bath, so my gut tells me that jerk H has come back for a visit....

Monday was my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!!! I actually felt very anxious, tried very hard to have no expectations, but with our growing friendship, I expected to be treated like a special friend. I just treated the guy to a beach vacation for Pete's sake! Well, my expectations led to big disappointment. First off, H kept telling me at his dad's on swim day that he still needed to wrap my presents. Not sure how I was supposed to respond? So my birthday comes. I kept waiting for those flowers to be delivered to work! You know, the ones a man gets his wife? Ya, that didn't happen. No request to a birthday dinner either, just a Happy Birthday text mid morning. It was my night to drive S to H, so we headed there like normal after work. On the way, H texts that he still needs to wrap gifts and I may need to wait. Then he asked if I had dinner plans, because if not, he and S could wrap then meet me for dinner. This was at 6:00 at night that he came up with this idea.

By then, my girlfriend had found out I had no plans, so of course I already had plans and let him know so.

By the time I got there, I was overflowing with hurt, but I kept my cool. He came out with a bottle of wine, a cheap one by the way, he had to know I would know that, and told me here is one of my gifts. I calmly thanked him, told him not to worry about the others, to take his time and give them when ready. I am sure my smile was fake, but I did smile. He then said, well me and S can come over after your dinner plans. I told him, no, that's ok.....

Next day, I pick up S from summer camp. He can't wait to get me home to open the presents that daddy left in the garage. Yep! H dropped off my presents in the garage.

S was very proud of them, he told me he picked them out for me. That amazed me because every gift was something I would have gotten myself.....a gnome for the yard, a Sun windchime, a beautiful plant pot and a wine cork holder. I praised S, told him I was very impressed at how well he knows me!

After having a good cry with my good friend, and wondering what the he!! I am waiting for, I decided to look at this in a light other than feeling like my H heart is just no longer in this.....a big production was made that S did this all for me, and I choose to see this as an amazing gift from him, and an effort by H to make it all about him. I am disappointed, I won't lie, but I did not react on those emotions, as hard as it was.

I also realize, my H is just plain weird. I know he doesn't do things to hurt me, he is in his own world and has been for a long time. I think about things he does, says, how he lives his life, and I really believe he is just plain weird and getting weirder the older he gets! Lol.

So, no anger, just sad, for our relationship, our family and our home. I was most worried about the example this gave S, to leave presents in a garage instead of making time for a good friend, but S has shown me his thoughtfulness and his joy in giving me those presents. He was full of love and pride, and that was the best present of all. My crazy H problems faded away.....

Aside from that, I stay busy with my friends and co-workers who I love dearly. I got a raise too! So life is good, all are healthy and I can't complain.

Love to you guys,
M