This is very true. First thing and last thing on your mind. You are on theirs but in a bad way. You also think about each other all day. But the bad feelings go and the pain fades. I guess in time that there is a place for the bad feelings on both sides to fade and be replaced by good times in the future - at least better. But for now I am focusing on detaching and being happy. Boundaries are so important and this then becomes the challenge. Onwards and upwards though.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I can't comment at all on what to do when living in the same house and I don't know what I would do.
From what I have discovered since my W left is she did her grieving for our M while we were living together and I didn't see the signs. She used me as her support as she went through the stages of withdrawing from the relationship. So what I thought we bad times was actually her preparing herself to leave.
The point where I realized I was in trouble was the day she said I'm Not happy I don't love you I'm leaving. At this point I am devistated but she is already month ahead of me and had been waiting until she finally felt comfortable enough to leave.
The way I see it you can not possibly follow Sandis advice while living together. You need to get a clear answer from your W if she is done with the marriage and is just doing what my W did and getting ready to leave or is she still open to the possibility to save the marriage.
Again I'm no expert and Sandi or someone with more experience might have more insight. The other Hong is the length of time you have been together and married. It can't be an easy thing to walk out and be on your own after so long together I think that is why so many W's that are certain they don't want to be in the marriage hand around out of fear of the unknown.
Personally I'm glad my W was straight up with me and told me she wasn't happy and left rather then hang around waiting for something better before letting go and moving on. Think about this do you really want someone around that is only there out of fear of the unknown and not because they feel anything toward you? It is impossible for them to feel a loss while they have you around all the time.
If it were me in your situation I would be polite and when you are around W try to be as happy as you can be and don't try to get any pity from them. Try to go out and do your own thing as much as you can and never let them see you depressed or needy, fairly standard I know but that's what I would do.
And as a side note I would give anything to have my W at home right now but if I am honest with myself I know we would have no chance of things getting better if she was around all the time. She needs to find herself and what she wants without being able to use me as the excuse for the way she feels.
I'm sorry I really don't know if any of this helps at all just things I have worked out in the last 7 months.
Stay strong.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
JRuss. Sound advice. If hey are going on a journey. Let them. Have your own. But be nice. Play fair. Yes you'll get angry. But keep your emotions in check and keep level head. Make yourself and the ones that love you happy. That's it. Time to stop giving too much of a sh!t basically.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
From what I have discovered since my W left is she did her grieving for our M while we were living together and I didn't see the signs. She used me as her support as she went through the stages of withdrawing from the relationship. So what I thought we bad times was actually her preparing herself to leave.
Everyone who has a WW please read and re-read what delegate of the LBS's Mr. albac has stated here. This is the truth. This is so true that everyone who reads it should no longer find it possible to view things any other way. I have read this concept a number of times in psychology papers (nothing says you love someone like spending your time reading psychology theories in medical journals to understand them better right? That's a joke.) and numerous internet sites. What albec says is indicative of an MLC and why experts on MLC claim that by the time your W changes into a WW, they are half way through the MLC. It is why in the MWD books, she states that the LBS feels blindsided. It is b/c the one who leaves has been mentally preparing themselves for the moment to leave, and this is why you feel left behind. A+ albec.
Originally Posted By: Surfer
If hey are going on a journey. Let them. Have your own. But be nice. Play fair. Yes you'll get angry. But keep your emotions in check and keep level head. Make yourself and the ones that love you happy. That's it. Time to stop giving too much of a sh!t basically.
I like Surfer's post too - seriously, this is our journey as well. We may not like the methods that released it, but here it is anyway.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I am so glad I saw this post. I don't want to label my STBX, but if I can relate behaviors to an individuals actions then she may be having one of these also.
I suggest LBS's study all sorts of labels, not to try and label their WAS but to learn and identify poor behaviors in the LBS's future Rs in order to sustain a healthy R, whether reconciling with the WAS or a finding a new R.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
JRuss -- yes, it's really hard when you're still living together. It's hard to detach when you're also trying to be a warm, positive co-parent w/ your W. Hard to detach when you're still very drawn to your W physically and she's right there.
CT1118 -- yes, very true, and good to remember. Exactly what happened to me too. Blindsided, because W was emotionally many months (years?) ahead of me.
I do feel the movement of a journey taking place. Slow movement. Bittersweet to let go of the past. Worst of all, hard to impose the journey on children who didn't ask for this.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Oh I'll be leaving love and disaster Sometimes the two are just the same I'm beginning to see What's left of me is gonna have to be free to survive
-- From "Sleeping by Myself" by Eddie Vedder
Big Vedder/Pearl Jam fan myself. Cant do the sad songs right now though.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Even a brief, to-the-point phone call to W coordinate activity for S is met w/ a stressed out, exasperated tone; like I'm making her suffer. I didn't get annoyed. I just gave the time-sensitive info and said bye and ended the call.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I can relate to that one, ForGump. It's like they need the pursuit (that they'll then say makes them angry, turns them off, etc.) and, when you're not really even doing anything of the sort, they still try to spin it like you are.
With a side helping of weirdly wanting a fight to break out to validate their (very negative) view of you.
I think it's symptomatic of actual pursuit and clinging dying away -- something they've grown to need to keep the warped view going -- which is good. For YOU.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
