Let me ask you something. During your dating years, did you ever drop a girl that really wanted to continue dating you? Did you ever experience a girlfriend who would not accept the fact you were through and was moving on? This is not a trick question. I really want to know.
No, I have not on both questions.
I know in my mind what I need to do, but the actual execution is where I know I fail. With WW what is their typical "wake-up" call? To me, my wife is going in with the grass is greener, and my fear to her even without her family she will convince herself that it is better.
So, during your dating years, you were always the one that got dumped? Okay. Did any of them give reasons?
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I know in my mind what I need to do, but the actual execution is where I know I fail. With WW what is their typical "wake-up" call? To me, my wife is going in with the grass is greener, and my fear to her even without her family she will convince herself that it is better.
I remember saying that I had the grass-is-greener syndrome. I think for most women that means a better life....with a better relationship. In other words, a new person in their life. Your W may not be in an affair, but she's ripe for one. There are many women who leave the M b/c they want the singles lifestyle......which includes dating.
What is a WW's wakeup call? I think the quickest is when she believes she's losing him. She has lost him as her H, and as a friend. She has lost him in her life. There are other types of losses she can experience, that play a part in waking her up. However, she has to experience loss due to her decisions to dump her H/M. So far, your W has not lost you, even though she wants out of the M.
You see, she is in a fantasy, and the only way out of it is for her to be hit head on with reality. Right now, she sees herself as having this grand new life with other men wanting her, maybe getting remarried to a rich man, who knows. But, she really doesn't visualize ever really losing you (or much of anything else) in her life. She sees you as always being there for her, regardless of what she does. She sees you always loving her, regardless of how she treats you. In other words, she takes you for granted in the worst way.
Your problem is your fear. I would guess in your dating years that you held the other person a little too tightly, emotionally. Maybe you appeared to be needy, which turns women off. I'm wondering if your lack of self confidence caused you to emotionally pressure your girl friends, b/c you needed to feel assured.....and/or needed to control. Maybe I'm wrong, and the girls mistreated you and took you for granted until they lost respect and admiration for you. IDK, but when the guy says he was always the one who got dumped....that tells me that he was repeating the same mistakes with every girl.
You are afraid that your W will decide/convince herself that she really has found a better life apart from you and this MR. That is only your fear speaking to you. Nobody can do anything about your fear, but you. Until then, you need to act in spite of your fear. Stop telling her how you will always be there for her, and that the house is open for her, etc. You are doing the opposite of what you need to do if you want her back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your problem is your fear. I would guess in your dating years that you held the other person a little too tightly, emotionally. Maybe you appeared to be needy, which turns women off. I'm wondering if your lack of self confidence caused you to emotionally pressure your girl friends, b/c you needed to feel assured.....and/or needed to control. Maybe I'm wrong, and the girls mistreated you and took you for granted until they lost respect and admiration for you. IDK, but when the guy says he was always the one who got dumped....that tells me that he was repeating the same mistakes with every girl.
I wouldn't say I was always dumped, I recall most of the time it was mutual, but there were instances I was the dumpee. YES MY PROBLEM IS FEAR with respect to my MR
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What is a WW's wakeup call? I think the quickest is when she believes she's losing him. She has lost him as her H, and as a friend. She has lost him in her life. There are other types of losses she can experience, that play a part in waking her up. However, she has to experience loss due to her decisions to dump her H/M. So far, your W has not lost you, even though she wants out of the M.
I agree with you, but my DG coach is advising I need to stay as friends with my W, and that going dark would be more of the same from me, that i should be engaged to a certain degree. However, he did say I need to lovingly detach. This is a bit conflicting in terms of advice. Coach stated it will be difficult to get a WAS w/o being friends with her first.
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You are afraid that your W will decide/convince herself that she really has found a better life apart from you and this MR. That is only your fear speaking to you. Nobody can do anything about your fear, but you. Until then, you need to act in spite of your fear. Stop telling her how you will always be there for her, and that the house is open for her, etc. You are doing the opposite of what you need to do if you want her back.
Your 100% right. I need to find a balance of detachment and what my coach is advising. The key to all this is to GAL with friendly detachment.
Interesting morning, W said she couldn't move out because the apartment she wanted was too expensive w/her other expenses based on her monthly take home. It appears she wants to continue our Hybrid/Home S. This time, I told her we need it to be fair on division of labor and weekends. She will move into basement from guest room, because from there she can have a better physical space from me.
I can't lie and say that this is a major relief from my mind (I did not disclose that to W). I know the logic if she actually S and moves out than the reality will hit, and possibly force her to reevaluate. With her staying, she get's to eat her cake. At this point, I only have one option and that is to earnestly work the Sandi's 37 the best I can, with emphasis on no pursuing, 180, friendly detachment(based on my situation) and GAL.
Friday night attempting my first non-family GAL going to former company reunion event. Told W yesterday and as I was dressing she just told me to have fun and stay out as long as I want...go to a second place. I of course said I plan to have fun. But, not the reaction I was looking for in my GAL efforts.
One that didn't insist on me staying out as long as I would like. She has told me before that maybe I should find someone else. I know that I shouldn't believe anything she says to me.
Again, my first non kids GAL event; so, wasn't sure what the expectations were.
One that didn't insist on me staying out as long as I would like. She has told me before that maybe I should find someone else. I know that I shouldn't believe anything she says to me.
Again, my first non kids GAL event; so, wasn't sure what the expectations were.
Were you hoping for her to ask you to be back by X o'clock?
Your wife's response is the one I would expect to hear from a spouse in a healthy relationship (assuming there were no nighttime parenting demands). It's also the response I'd expect from an emotionally detached spouse.
Anything else seems to indicate an unhealthily enmeshed relationship.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Were you hoping for her to ask you to be back by X o'clock?
Unfortunately, Yes.
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Your wife's response is the one I would expect to hear from a spouse in a healthy relationship (assuming there were no nighttime parenting demands). It's also the response I'd expect from an emotionally detached spouse.
It's my opinion, my W is doing everything possible to detach from me. I'm not 100% sure if she really truly detached but its most definitely closer than my detachment.
One thing I did was, I didn't reply back to her and just wished her a good night.
I found 2 support/Meet-up groups I will be attending on a weekly basis, and I'm not planning to volunteer that info to W. Just go on with my GAL.
