RSG,

What is your goal in emailing to W? What do you hope to achieve here? I would want to take another look at the tone and approach contained in the email message. If you were in her shoes, how would you receive it? What would be your initial reaction in reading that first draft?

Take a really objective look at it and see if that will bring you closer to your goal here?

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts and analysis on the above questions.