How Ya Feelin' Today?

[NotATLDave]

Good idea Tim. It's freaky to see my old posts up there.

Anyway, I'm kind of in the same mood you are in. It's almost like there's Pre-PM and Post-PM. Anyway, you are actually WAY further in the book than I am. I haven't had any time to read it and I'm going very slow and thinking about each thing carefully as I read it.

When I was in college, I took a philosophy class and studied about 3 different systems of ethics. It was "life-changing" knowledge because I've now been running all my decisions through these systems first before taking action. I'm seeing PM as having equal significance. Instead of learning how to operate in society, I'm learning how to operate in a marriage.

I've really got to get through this and start figuring out how to implement this. I hope my C, who recommended the book is at least familiar enough to coach us. While I definitely see myself as deriving my validation from other people (work, spouse, etc). Actually, this is so rooted into my core, that it's going to take some time to fix this. It even explains the timing of my "fusing" with my W. Here's how I think it all went down when it did....

1. Fall, job changed. I went from team lead on a project where I was considered #1 in ability and talent to being a member of a new team, underneath guys way more talented than myself. But this didn't hurt me too much because of something else going on...read on.

2. During the fall, I was finishing up a racing series where I was in contention for a top-5 series finish, at the end of the series, I had 2 months to "bask" in the knowledge that I would be taking the stage to receive an award and was still maintaining close contact with my racing buddies. In late Jan, we went to the awards banquet, I received my awards and closed the book on a year long effort.

3. Work forced me to travel to DC many times. I was unable to ride and train for the new season and I was spending more time with people who were getting all the positive attention at work...I felt like an out-of-shape wallflower.

All the things that validated me as an individual were gone. The racing and my job. I was no longer seen as "great" at anything. Trust me, attaching your self-esteem to achievement can propel you in business and sports, but turning the focus onto a spouse with completely freak them out as I've now discovered. Understanding this is helping me deal with it.

So how am I feeling today?
Sore. I went on a training ride yesterday with a couple racer buddies and they killed me...my legs are toast. I'm going to race next weekend and will just need to accept the fact that I might not do as well as I used to. This will be an exercise in "enjoying something for what it is...not what it makes me".

Now it get Schnarch's point about preventing a spouse from being able to grow when you derive validation from them. They are terrified of the power they wield and purposely avoid changing themselves out of fear that you will not be able to handle it....I think that's how it goes. I'm just rambling.

I'm looking forward to our C session. It seems like the only time we can talk about stuff.