The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

I am feeling better at this point in the day, which is a good thing. I had a busy day at work and that was most helpful. S is with WW tonight and that is fine, he wanted to see her pretty badly and I am actually happy for both of them that they love one another and enjoy their time.

So here is what I had to accept as my part in the M. It was important to me to acknowledge so that I could forgive myself (lack of forgiveness = resentment MWD pg. 231 in DB, I have already stated I am unwilling to live that way - see above posts). And even before I read MWD or came here, I did apologize for all of these to my WW at some point (once after reading MWD): I did some at the first BD, some about 2 months into S, and some of it when I did the 2nd bomb drop. I did so each time in a way that left my dignity intact. I said it without tears, begging, or with motives to "win" WW back. I told her just the the things I was sorry for and not how I am changing or have changed, which I know she must see for herself ( a pretty important distinction if you take this path at some point)I said it because I meant it and most importantly it was a piece I truly felt I needed to do so that I could heal - for me, I am not sure I could have forgiven myself and begun moving forward without. Lastly, my approach was deliberate and may not be for everyone, but if there is one thing I have learned so far - if you do not try find your own health and happiness in all this you really are lost in my opinion. And please reflect on the question in an above post - Can I accept that forgiveness is not about letting the other person win, but it is about my own personal freedom?

The things I was sorry for (all not my direct fault, but I have a choice now and have fixed or am working on them):
- First and foremost, I was a drug addict (Rx Oxy) and I hid my drugs from W for almost two years. I did not ever mean to become addicted, but I did, I knew it, and I kept going. I also abused alcohol when the drugs were unavailable. - clean from the Oxy for a little over 6 months now. Still have social drinks, but set limit at 3 and have held to that, honestly appeal is wearing off and am loosing desire for going even that far.
- I am painfully introverted. This is not my fault, but because I could not make the world make sense to me, I criticized the world, which made most of my daily observations quite negative - this I knew and made no effort to challenge or change and that was my fault. I challenge myself to remain positive and speak with strangers about anything daily now.
- I have had a life long struggle to learn and pay attention which resulted in very quick aggression because I was often confused. Throw in the introversion and it is a recipe for R disaster. I always thought I was naturally angry, but after 4 months with an IC and a GP was told I have type 2 Inattentive ADHD. Suddenly many things in my life made sense when I began reading about it. Having ADHD and being in denial of it made me 60% more likely to end up with a spouse walking out on me. Factor in the statistics that I am in a 2nd M and so is my WW - we were (are?) facing a major challenge. It is not my fault I have a learning disability which I did not know was one, but now I have a choice and I go to an IC 2-3 x a month and am temporarily on stabilizing medication. (Imagine 60 radios in your head all at different volumes and on different stations - the medication turns 59 of them off).
- I deliberately ignored my WW (at the time my W) when she would ask me to listen, help her with something, or speak to her. I had my own agenda and wanted to proceed with that. Acknowledged, I fked that part up.
- I never asked her opinion on big decisions, just insisted my opinion was the right one. No argument, I did that, I know I did it.
- I quit being romantic, spontaneous, and fun. From what I read, this happens to men and women in M's, but throw in a drug addiction that makes you enter a coma a few times a day - yup, did it.
- After the S began and I knew WW was in an A, I thought what was good for the goose...yeah, I started sleeping with someone and it was a mess and I did not feel better for it like I hoped I would. This is the only one I did not apologize for to my WW. I started to and she did not want to hear it so I stopped. Instead I apologized to the woman I slept with, even though I was openly honest from the start that she had no future with me. Whatever helps you sleep at night right? No, I was wrong, i messed this part up. Flawed character or pain - little excuse either way.
- I ignored my S. I did. Not to the point that he starved or I beat him or anything. I was just lethargic and showed little interest. As could be imagined, this one still haunts me. I do not try to make up for it, nor excuse it, I am just a better person than I was and I believe S feels it, I know I do. S is my favorite thing in this life and I promise (to myself) that I will never loose track of that again.

What did WW and I do to each other - only two major things...
1. we lied and hid things from each other which caused a downward spiral of deception and secrets.
2. we forgot how or deliberately did not communicate with each other. as we withdrew further into ourselves, the partnership required to be in an M, to be in an R, and to be in L went down with it.

As I said before, I will return to the daily of my sitch at some point with my thread. There are many questions I still have at a daily level that I need advice/help with. But I feel compelled to be open to all of the non-existential items I have offered above. Maybe its too much information, or maybe you don't have time to read it all. I hope my story has something for those take all of it or some of it. Regardless, it makes me feel better to air all this out. Best we don't go so deep with family or friends - they will always take one side or the other - here it is unbiased support, and that is the best part.