10 Years Later - From a DB'er

[DonH]

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to write. I'll try to address to of the main areas here in separate reposes.

First, KML it looks like you've been here from the time frame when I was more active and actually your screen name does ring a bell. Then again, it's been nearly ten years so.. I do think our paths have crossed in years past, however. I'm betting you and I have talked before.

As for my standards, I like what I like, etc. That said, I at least try to separate business from personal and think I do a decent job of it. I am very willing to go out with someone even if at first blush it doesn't appear to be a match. Now, an obvious mismatch, no, but otherwise I very much give the benefit of the doubt as I really think it takes a few dates to get to know someone. I can't be repsulsed by them but even if I'm not attracted at first, I'll still go out as it's more personality for me and the attraction often grows. I need it both, some attraction but also intelligence, conversation, etc. It matters not how beautiful someone looks if I can't hold a conversation with her for an hour. I've always been that way. Years ago male friends would look at me like I'm the biggest idiot on the planet when a beautiful woman with no brains hit on me. They'd think I'm nuts for not taking advantage but I just can't. She'd drive me crazy no matter how great she looked. That said, let me detail a few things and you tell me if it's me or if I'm seeing things accurately.

The most recent lady was introduced to me by someone I've known for 20 years. I don't see this friend as much these days as when we worked together but she knows me extremely well, knew my ExW, etc. She invited me to meet a friend of hers who she has known for several years. This friend is 5 years younger than me, divorced for 10 years like me with a D22 and S19 headed to his first year of college. She's clearly rusty at dating. Didn't do well in she talked more than the other three of us put together. Didn't ask a lot about me. Exceeded the 2 drink maximum at dinner, only by one but at 5' 1" and about 105# soaking wet it was hitting her and she was getting louder and louder with a few F-bombs thrown in. My gut tells me she may not be a match but also worth another date or two. She was nervous, is shy one on one, etc. but was outgoing and a lot of fun at dinner. Still, it was hard to read if she was interested or not. I walk her to her car and ask if she'd like to go out again, getting an immediate "absolutely." A nice hug, innocent kiss and a little hand holding followed. That was on June 8. We talked the next night for about half an hour to which she again said she wanted to go out but had shut her computer off so would need to text me some dates. Here we are 7 weeks later. I've called, texted and received minimal response. When I give up (go dark) then I hear from her again. To be fair, she is busy with work trips and son going away. She finally tells me she's really struggling with empty nest, etc. To me, I'd think it's perfect, she has a guy interested. To her, she's either not attracted and won't say so or she really doesn't know what she wants or is scared. She has not dated anyone in 5 years. Her son became her life. She's an HR consultant with a masters. Looks ten years younger than her age, beautiful, yet no dates in 5 years! I even told my friend, not wanting to put her in a bad spot - and said, "look I'm not going to be mad or anything, if she's not interested that's fine she can just say so." I figured perhaps she was afraid to turn me down due to mutual friend. Friend insists she is interested but "that's just NAME HERE." whatever that means. And this, mind you, is one of my more successful dates!!!!!!!

As for on-line. I just checked my account. I have emailed 121 women in the last two years. I have gone out with FIVE OF THEM - none this year! Now, to be fair, I've not put in a huge amount of time but honestly - 121 and five single dates with no seconds? It's not like I'm meeting them and weeding them out, I can't even get a response. I've tried, long and more serious emails. Long and light, short and fun, short and sarcastic, funny, serious, medium length with questions about them, etc. Comments about things they say in their profile. I rarely even get a response. This includes those who on paper, I seem to fit most everything they claim to want! When I do get a response, the best I get to is, "lets meet for coffee or whatever" and then that doesn't even happen. The last three went that way. One seemed very interested and then said, I'm just not up to it." Another one said she wanted to meet but when trying to come up with a date, finally said, "I'm too screwed up to be dating." Others respond once or twice and then I never hear from them again. I mentioned one who told me how she liked my profile and wanted to know more and then had all sorts of odd excuses - like we lived too far away - first off neither of us moved in the two days it took to email and second, we live 20 minutes from each other! I see some who have been online for YEARS. Clearly they are not finding what they want yet won't respond to my message. From what I can tell, it's not me that needs to open up and take a chance on them, it's the other way around!

Clearly I must be doing something wrong? I'm not a drop dead head turner but am reasonably good looking. I only have a few deal breakers - smoking, dishonesty and large tattoos. Other than that, I'll go out with just about anyone once - again within reason.

Then, and I don't know how to say this without coming across bad or wrong but even more disheartening is about the only women who approach me are so beyond wrong for me I don't even know where to start. Some look like their hair has not seen a brush in weeks, clothes from 20 years ago, 10 or more years older than me. I'm like, really, this is what I'm left with? Again, I know that sounds really, really bad but you should see some of these profiles. I can tell you in a heartbeat I'll die single if that's my only other choice. I can just be honest. Otherwise, be groomed, reasonably in shape, clean cloths, etc. and I would not for looks alone turn them away.

Does this help at all? Clearly I could be sabotaging myself, etc. but I'd have to at least first communicate or go out at least once with someone to do that. I would never send someone a nasty email asking for sex, or sending naked photos - all things I hear guys do. Never in a million years would I do that. Yet they still won't even respond??????? I just plain don't get it - especially since I've never had this in my life - never.

The one lady that I'd love to date, lives too far away. She tried online and called it the land of misfit toys. In fact, it was that statement that got us talking when I met her in her hometown while traveling.

I'd be happy to share my profile and even photos for honest feedback. That's one thing about me, I want to hear the truth. In fact I expect it. I love to learn, want to know if I'm doing something wrong. If I can change it I will. I just don't know what else to try. I'll share parts of their profile, what I email and if anyone would respond, I'd share that too.

Then, work, well I'm self-employed and like I said somewhat semi-retired. I don't meet a lot of people that way. On the other hand, I'm on stage in front of crowds of all sorts of ages in a variety of bands. That's actually how I met the widow I mentioned in the last paragraph. You'd think I'd meet someone that way - and actually, I used to - often. But rarely now. I do meetups for things in my industry. Sadly, many are younger than me. In all of these situations, I must be choosing decent women as near all of them already have boyfriends or are married - or they have ZERO interest in dating. I can give you multiple, multiple examples of that - sort of like the one above who has not dated much in 5 years.

Sorry that was so long but I really am trying to be as open and honest and provide as much info as I can.