Awkward situation

[AndrewP]

So, today is an example of a situation I was trying to avoid. <snip>
Thoughts?

Tate - I'm going to be nicer than doodler - especially since doodler "claims" that the cookies he made me were mailed but I never saw them and I'm not sure that I trust him 100% that they were ever made.

Let's look at this practically for a moment if we can. I'll use bullet points because they're cool and look like a presentation.
- Your W doesn't want to be married to you
- Your W is treating you like a personal servant
- You are trying to be the "best person you can be" and W doesn't care
- You are using 180s directly aimed at her to rebuild your relationship.

First point here - I've been while not in your exact shoes in a very similar pair with a W who said she didn't want to be married to me while I tried like mad to "fix" everything she didn't like. And yes - I'm not a success story (yet - I hope).

If I could be so bold, take her at her word that she doesn't want to be married to you. If you start with that assumption then she has to start putting on her big girl panties and deal with things herself. The whole "there for the kids" is in large part a load of hooey. She's there because it's easier than not being there and because she has the staff well trained. You yourself need to think about what your kids need and what you need and start shaping a life without your W because you need to accept the fact that she could just walk out that door at any moment.

Buried in some of sandi2's excellent posts is a long discussion about the need for a man to retrieve his balls from his wife's purse. It's a tough thing to do and you'll feel like you are pushing your W even farther away. But first you need to find where you will take a stand and stand your ground. It will be difficult and it sounds like your W will use anger and abuse to get her own way and try to grind you down. I was fortunate that I never had to deal with that.

One key point of the 180s that MWD talks about repeatedly is that if they don't work do something different. The books also talk about the importance of building yourself up, making yourself stronger. Here on the forums it is taken that you need to become a "man that only a fool would leave" - but I personally think of it as becoming the "man in the mirror" that Michael Jackson sang about. You are no good to anyone else until you are first good for yourself.

So - time to set some boundaries and ground rules. Suggestions (and more bullet points):
- No phone calls at work unless there is imminent danger to one of the kids
- You will have activities with the kids on your own without W and not requiring her approval
- W is not to abduct (feel free to use that word) the kids and take them out of town without 24 hours notice and your approval.
- W is not to use your vehicles for any purpose without your approval
- You will grant her privacy and space to conduct her texting and not ask any questions
- You will each treat the other with respect and (just thought of this) abide by a list of phrases that you will not use on each other such as "I hate you". Penalty being a contribution to a fun day for the other parent to have with the kids.
- There will be no texting or messaging by either of you during "family time" which includes times that you are the sole parent.

and so on. Since a number of these necessarily are about the kids and she could reasonably argue that that why she's "there" you can honestly say that you are there and you trust yourself but you can't trust that she will be if the winds change.

Keep the list short, keep it achievable and make sure that both of you have boundaries.

You don't have a W any more, you have by her own admission a room-mate and room-mates respect each other's space, privacy and feelings.

Just my 2X4 for now.

Good luck - we're pulling for you and please remember that in some fashion or other we've pretty much all been where you are trying to make things work and raging against the failure of what "should" work.