Update: W came home from her B-day weekend w/her 5 GF's. She bought K some trinkets and bought me a shirt (I thought nice gesture and again moving right direction). We were in MBR and she brought up our schedule for the coming weeks. I thought based on her behavior and actions the past few weeks that she was going to end the Hybrid-S. Rather, she was trying to figure how to make it all work out. At this point, (made a mistake) asked her where we were, W said if you're asking for a decision: "I think I've always known but did now want to hurt you. I don't want to be married to you and I don't ever see a future with you" W also said that she is scared about losing and breaking the family unit.
W asked if she should just get a placer of her near our house. I agreed that this would be best than this Hybrid-S as this is not a real S. I asked her if we're doing this S to possibly work on a S, and her statement is NO. I'm doing this is because I need space from you and I'm still angry with everything I've done. I validated as much as i could and let her know she has a right to all her feelings. She cried as to this is now all real in splitting. We talked about not dating others as we S. her comment, is that you will need to let go and let her be happy. She clarified by saying I'm not looking to date, but if it happens then I should not have a problem with it, because she deserves to be happy. (this was incredibly painful to hear).
I validated as much as i could. Offered to help with her move and deposit and discuss logistics on move and kids. I asked she move out as soon as possible.
Last night, first time in a long time, we hugged each other for feeling and she allowed me to cuddle.
This morning I made 2 statements to her: 1) No matter the length our house is open to you if you want to R and 2) I will not bring it up again but if you want to fight/salvage our M then you have to choose to attend MC
I think now I need to go dim/180/GAL. I hope to god she will eventually miss me and can let go of the past, but at this point I have very little hope this will happen.
I just read Sandi2's posting on WW. Part of the posting was that there doesn't need to be a OM but if its in your mind it still a WW situation.This really resonated with me. My W who I currently believe has no OM or an EA. However, I think part of this wanting a S is that she enjoys/fantasizes about the idea of having a new relationship and get the emotional (physical) satisfaction she craves.
Yesterday, we talked about how to do the most optimal transition of who would take care of the time. I suggested because I will in the family home, I can have the kids all school nights and in exchange we can split the weekends 2 for her an 1 for me. She told me that it may be selfish, but she didn't want to give up an extra weekend. The other item is her now fixation on her looks (after dropping weight), and the talk about maybe one day meeting someone new.
All this with not even wanting to go to MC and try to salvage our M or family unit. I am a belief now this S, while its going to kill me, will be good, because the time apart I can detach, GAL, 180, and can't eat her cake. I hope whatever phase this is she will miss me/family and see the grass isn't always greener.
I really don't recognize my W with her selfishness and at times putting her needs over the welfare of her kids/family. I not sure I stand a chance with her desires versus working on salvaging our family and MR
Sandi2 - I know you're 100% right. I need to detach, back-away, GAL, and 180. But because of my past damaging anger/rage issues and not talking to her long periods of time, I feel like W is going to think more of the same and backfire on me.
I know what has proven to work is paradoxical to what I want to do. That night where were in bed, was the first night of closeness in months and because she told me she wants to end the M made me more emotional in the process.
Honestly, my head is spinning and I need for myself and for my kids to get my act together
I had my first DB Coaching session. It was very good. I wanted to share that in my situation, because of my destructive behavior of completely shutting down after an argument for a period of time that Going/Attempting Dark would not be the best strategy for me. Because my W would think more of the same in my situation. Rather, my 180 should be lovingly detached with my interaction. If I do the opposite of who I was it may create conflict in my W mind but if I do the same it will only validate her decision. Meaning don't go out of my way to avoid or NC, but be there for her in a loving detached manner. Also, as the all the advice from the board, is that GAL would be my best way to show that my life has progressed and that my W will notice.
Last night, first time in a long time, we hugged each other for feeling and she allowed me to cuddle.
You really must change this type of mindset, if you ever expect her (or any woman) to respect you as a man.
I'm not sure you understand the part I highlighted. If your W "let" you cuddle with her......and especially after all she had said before going to bed........it makes you appear as weak man....in her eyes. For the WW, it's about respect and attraction she feels (or doesn't feel) for the H. She has just told you that will not consider working to save the M and she is packing to S..........and it sounded as if she just tolerated you needing cuddling time. It's sounds pursuing and weak, to me.
I
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know what has proven to work is paradoxical to what I want to do. That night where were in bed, was the first night of closeness in months and because she told me she wants to end the M made me more emotional in the process.
That is my point.
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Sandi2 - I know you're 100% right. I need to detach, back-away, GAL, and 180. But because of my past damaging anger/rage issues and not talking to her long periods of time, I feel like W is going to think more of the same and backfire on me.
Your W has not had a wake up call, like you've had. She feels completely done with the M. She is looking forward to the single life. Right now is not the time to show her how loving, attentive, and available you can be. It is a little late, in the WW viewpoint. However, that is not saying it is too late to bust a divorce.
She does not want to S in order to work on the M. She wants to S to live as a single, and the things she was saying was her way of preparing you, b/c she wants to date. I would not be surprised if you discover that there is someone waiting in the wings.
What I am saying is that you cannot use any pursuing behaviors. It will not win her back. I understand your desire is to prove how you can be the H she wanted all those years. However, she is on a different path, now. She is not interested in being your W at this time. It can change, but I believe your mindset will need to make an adjustment.
Let me ask you something. During your dating years, did you ever drop a girl that really wanted to continue dating you? Did you ever experience a girlfriend who would not accept the fact you were through and was moving on? This is not a trick question. I really want to know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had my first DB Coaching session. It was very good. I wanted to share that in my situation, because of my destructive behavior of completely shutting down after an argument for a period of time that Going/Attempting Dark would not be the best strategy for me. Because my W would think more of the same in my situation. Rather, my 180 should be lovingly detached with my interaction. If I do the opposite of who I was it may create conflict in my W mind but if I do the same it will only validate her decision. Meaning don't go out of my way to avoid or NC, but be there for her in a loving detached manner. Also, as the all the advice from the board, is that GAL would be my best way to show that my life has progressed and that my W will notice.
Be sure you are reviewing and studying cadets homework about detaching. It is a most misunderstood term here. Loving detachment. What is it that you understand that to be? Right now your thoughts and words show your thoughts and actions are with her filter on and with expectations for her feelings and actions. Any actions you take with expectations of her, is an action misguided. Pay attention to sandi2. Read, study, read again the homework for detachment. And then seek additional material for detachment. This is key for your progress. Know the why behind the what. Know that detachment is an action. Not a simple destination.
Keep seeking out answers for moving forward. You can do this.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
