First Buds

[mustardseed]

I decided to start journaling again--actual hand-written journals. Since this whole things started I was very careful about what I wrote for fear that he would find it. The fact that he used my old journals--from my teen years right up until about a year before meeting him--as a way of demeaning and threatening me made me second guess the practice of keeping them. I kept journals throughout our marriage, too. They make me cringe almost as much as the teenage ones. Instead of being filled with petty drama and angst they are filled with praise toward him, mixed with dissatisfaction and confusion. There is a desperation in them. Searching for ways to make things better--mostly financial concerns, sometimes concerns for Hs unhappiness, and references to my lonliness. But through it all, I was always taking the blame. Never once did I question his actions in those writings. He was always the hero.

I'm filling in the holes now that I have a birds eye view. Remembering the things that were unwritten--between the lines of my anguish.

The back-handed insults.
Always prefaced with "You know what the difference between you and me is..."
And then what followed was something that I didn't exactly think was all that bad. But I knew it was meant as an insult. So I would press for more information.

Me: Well, yes. You are right. We handle/view/ react to those situations differently. But why is that a problem?

H: It's not a problem. But we are just different.

Me: Of course we are. I'm a woman, you are a man. That in and of itself means we are different. Everyone is different.

H: I'm just saying (H walks out the door)

And there I am left with an insult that isn't insulting. But somehow I feel less than.

The things that made me different weren't flaws in the traditional sense. But the very fact that I am different than him makes me lesser. Unworthy.

I'd be left feeling shame for who I am--someone who isn't like him--but I didn't understand how or why I felt that way.

Later he would would turn on the charm. Assuring me that he loves my differences. So the inferiority I felt as a result of the previous conversation must be due to my own insecurity. I must have read between the lines? Inserted my own self-loathing into his comment? Maybe he never intended it as an insult? But yes we are different. And he is quite amazing. And look at how pathetic I am to get all worked up over something that was probably my own invention. Boy am I lucky he loves me.

My heart breaks for that woman I used to be. She never would have left that marriage. It took a horrific discard cycle and therapy to realize how toxic that life was--and nothing less than that would have convinced her. And now she has growth and insight. And she is starting to bud. So I start to write again. Because this is the second act--and this needs to be told.

I realized that H underestimated me in a lot of ways. He has lost me. And while I doubt he feels any sort of grief, sorrow, or remorse for that loss, his reality is much bleaker for it.

His true colors are exposed--maybe not to everyone but to enough people. He was never able to fully isolate me because he mistook me for someone weaker than I am.

He knew these truths about me and saw them as weakness:
I want to be loved and liked.--TRUE
I care what people think.--ALSO TRUE
I am too free and opening about my life--TRUE
I trust too blindly--UNFORTUNATELY YES

BUT--- what he underestimated is that
I don't change how I treat people based on if they like me or not. I will continue to be friendly and kind. I don't shut people out.

I continue to be myself regardless of what they think. I might second guess myself, but I don't hide parts of myself to fit someone else's vision.

I am not a private person because I have no shame about who I am. I believe my flaws shape me and give me the steps I need to grow. I embrace my mistakes and do my best to right them. I have no problem owning up to them because I don't think they define me as much as how I handle them--or what I learn from them defines me. Pointing out my flaws doesn't tear me down. It gives me the information I need to grow.

I am learning to trust myself more than I trust others. This is the one aspect that he had dead right. I blindly gave my power away because I trusted others more than I trusted myself. This gave him the key he needed to bind me. This is a weakness that I will overcome--thanks to him. And I will never be an easy target for anyone as a result.

As for OW--I go back and forth on her. Part of me--the compassionate part--says NO ONE deserves to be treated the way he treated me. However, I have no respect for her. She knew he was married with kids. She was very much involved with our kids. I was also involved with her kids--but to a lesser degree. She can't be so stupid as to not question his authenticity when she knows this information. I am pretty certain I know what she has coming to her and I don't feel bad about it. I want her to experience it. To understand what it is like to be on the other side. To experience the pain, shock, and confusion that she played a part in. Does it make me an awful person to say she deserves it? Especially when I also believe that no one deserves that kind of treatment. I am struggling with coming to terms with this.

Will I feel bad when it happens to her or will I not care at all? Or will I still feel so raw that I get some sort of sick satisfaction from it? I want to get to a place where I don't feel satisfaction. I don't want to be that kind of person who gets joy out of other people's suffering--even if it is someone who contributed to mine. But at this point in time, I know that is how I would feel if it happened today. SATISFIED. Does that make me as bad as them? But I also feel myself slowly shifting toward indifference. Where I will feel nothing when it happens to her. To me that is an even scarier thought. Indifference is the cruelist of all IMO. But maybe it is also the healthiest?

For the most part I am focused only on me and the kids. Their protection from him is my priority. But sometimes I wonder what it will be like when he decides her number is up. Will those who turned against me reach out and apologize for misreading the situation? Or does everyone just go on--leaving all of his casualties behind with his version of who they were accepted without question.

I know it shouldn't matter. I do care what other people think. I can fully accept people not liking who I am when it is based on reality, but when it is based on lies and slander I have a very difficult time accepting it.