New here and separated

[ForGump]

Coly23, I hope you did not do it. I don't know you but I feel like I understand the pain you're in. In the depths of pain I've felt, I just wanted to die. I wasn't (and am not) suicidal. I just felt completely hollowed out and dead inside. I wasn't wishing for happiness, I wasn't wishing to have my W back. I just wanted the blackness inside myself to be gone.

This might help, maybe just slightly: look at your D, think of what kind of a person you need to be for her. Think of what strength and integrity she needs to see in you.

Also, think of the man your H is now. Not who he was -- because that man you fell in love with is not who your H is now, at least not entirely. He is someone who has walked away from you. Did he have enough respect and love for you to talk through the problems he felt in the marriage? Did he give you and himself a fair chance to work on it? Probably not -- your H is someone who is self-focused and immature. That is the person you are desperately hoping to get in touch with.

That person is ONLY going to be driven further away from you if you pursue him.