The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Today has been a tough one. Don't know why, just where I am at mentally – pouring rain outside might contribute – really screws up my attention. Have to remind myself of things about me and the positive changes I have made for me and my better R with S (had him last night and it was really great).

I have noticed the reasons I believe I am dealing with an MLC.

MLC stressors/behaviors:
- history of PA/EA abuse growing up
- moved across country (to be w/ me) and did not make good friends here
- just turned 40
- has complained about loosing looks, feeling unattractive
- has changed jobs 3 x since 2014 (same profession)
- is two years shy of age when mother died
- in past year had 2 BF's die suddenly in past 2 years and found out father was very ill (he did recover recently)and felt helpless being so far away
- began an A w/ a co-worker 9 years younger and claimed she did so because he could be controlled
- stated (a vast number of times) that she uses A to make her feel bad an reinforce to herself she is a horrible person
- has continually expressed that she does not feel accomplished in life
- has admitted to sabotaging her life and relationships without knowing why or feeling in control of her actions
- binges between food, alcohol, and exercise
- spends money excessively knowing that she does not have it
- has complained that changes happened so fast she felt lost and without direction
- has admitted to being unwilling to face past issues and/or try to resolve them at this time
- has asked me to date others so that it would lessen her guilt
- has admitted a fear of becoming her mother if she keeps trying to remain in a committed family life
- has admitted to having nightmares about the fact that S4 was two months premature and barely made it through (S4 is fine now and perfectly healthy - has been for years
- has admitted to having nightmares about all of the pain and hurt she has brought to me and still cannot stop her actions
- has alienated her immediate family and some friends, with whom she used to be very close, from all of the above

So, all of the above fit into the MLC paradigm from what I have read. Here is what I have not heard which is on the usual list of MLC items

- Never heard ILBNILWY
- Never claimed A was about anything more than what I wrote above
- Has not abandoned or ignored S4 since the S, in fact I would say WW has improved her game as a mother
- has never introduced AP to friends, family, or S4 (which is a very distinct boundary for me that I have made clear)
- Brought up D during the initial S month, but not since
- has never verbally chastised me, belittled me, or made any attempt to blame anything she is doing on me (did acknowledge the damage we did to each other and my role in the breakdown of the M once I identified and apologized for my part, but she has not made this a focus when we used to discuss the M)

Other than that, pretty much is - still a WW, still S, still not ending the A (I only asked once and that was 1st BD), still showing addiction and adolescent behavior, still pulse checking, still trying to eat cake but realizing that does not get very far these days, etc. I am hoping to offer a fuller description of myself and deepen my understanding of not only my sitch, but of myself with this new thread.

As someone told me here not long ago, I do not have to worry about getting through tomorrow, I have to get through today.