I guess the big question is aside from telling or not telling my sister, is there anything else I should be doing in dealing with my wife?
I have talked to you aside from telling your sister.
Here's the problem, Tate. You don't want to do anything that requires some action from you that might grate against your WW. You don't want to even do boundaries. You want to be all kisses & hugs and charm her back into having desire for you. Now, I don't know if being a former WW is close enough to the scenario you were referring.....but I didn't get divorced and I'm still with my H nine years later. So, take it for whatever you deem my advice is worth.
The wayward wife is not your typical W who is having a spat or giving you the silent treatment. You are facing a different breed of woman. This is not the girl you M 17 years ago. You will find nobody whose heart has been turned off any more than a WW's heart for her H. The more he tries to be sweet, charming, loving, perfect H material dripping with every word he says, and his hands worked down to a nub from catering to her.........will only make her feel more turned off. It will not change her heart from how she feels about you now.
The cold hard facts is that a woman can truly desire only one man at a time. Now think about what I've said. She can sleep with several, but there is only one she truly will desire in her heart. In many cases, when the wife refuses to have sex with her H, it's b/c she has no desire for him as her H. If another man is occupying your W's heart, she won't feel loving feelings for you. I am saying that as long as she has contact with your BIL, nothing is going to work to draw her back to you.
You and your WW have a brother/sister relationship, not a H/W relationship. From what I have gathered, men who are attracted to a woman, don't want her thinking of him as her brother. Although friendships have been known to develop into a more intimate relationship.......men know if she feels like you are her brother, it ain't going anywhere! No matter what he does, she's going to love him like a brother.
IMHO, the only reason your WW is enduring this interaction (you seem to think is great) with you is b/c you are too scared to cross her. She is the one in charge and that seems to be okay with you.
As for my advice as to what you can do to deal with her, you can read my WW links in Cadet's homework assignment, and I won't have to do a lot of repeating here. It probably won't be your preferred approach, but it's honest. I have stuck around this DB board for a long time, and I have seen countless WW cases. I don't remember a one that succeeded where the H was the nice guy that you want to portray.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
