Ghost, even though you may not want to move out - and that's your choice of course - the work needs to be done.
Given all circumstances, this isn't time to rely on your W to be your best friend....who needs best friends who are cold and distant? This is time to work on feeling complete within yourself and not dependant on your W for completeness. I think it is possible to do this work whilst remaining in the same house - not easy, but possible.
So, how can you start moving forwards? What goals can you set to become more complete and independent, happy within yourself? Remember, this isn't about what your W is doing or what she chooses. This is about the man you want to become and how you choose to grow in challenging circumstances...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Really? I swear you had found something. You just suspected something? Is she regularly on her phone?
If there's actually not an EA, then thats good!
Originally Posted By: ATPeace
2) my W does go out with her girl friends and one of those friends likes to go clubbing and my W goes along with her
So to answer, yes, she is still going out regularly? For a while there, it was like every week or two. Are you finding yourself as a regular babysitter?
Originally Posted By: ATPeace
3) she was stacking money away she might still be for all I know I do not think that she is but I would not know if she was putting some away each week or month I guess it comes down to trust.
Maybe Im crazy, but how can you not know if she is stacking away money? You dont see her paychecks/statements? What about the huge sums of money that you found before?
Originally Posted By: ATPeace
I guess I am afraid to make new friends I do not want to live away from my children my W my family and I am scared that I could meet someone and this would complicate things further
Ghost. Come on. This makes no sense.
Youre afraid to make new friends but you could meet someone else? If you love your wife, then thats it. Why does making new friends interfere with that at all? Look, theres a clear line between having a new friend thats a girl and finding yourself in the obsessed/EA phase. To stop doing any kind of GAL because of this worry is ridiculous.
Have you had friends that aren't significant others? Making friends doesn't mean dating. I've got some great friends in my life that are male and female, and I don't date a single one of them, lol. We have a good time together.
Whether you or wife ever reconcile, you really need to come into your own and get a life of your own before you even think about dating or reconciling with your W.
2 questions. Have you spoken with a doctor or a psychiatrist about depression?
I ask, because your story from the time you arrived n this community sounds of a broken record that continues to play a sad narrative of self defeat, mind reading of your W, accusations then recantations of said accusations and just an overall tone of, well, a depressed individual. I am not a psychiatrist nor an expert in diagnosing depression nor any other emotional issues, but brother, you really need to seek some professional assistance based on a years worth of narrative here. you may benefit from seeking this time of counsel my friend.
The second question is, If your W were to tell you that in order to reconcile you would need to follow every bit of advice that you have been given to you by the folks in this community who have studied DB and lived their own experiences that you are struggling with, what would you do?
I ask this, because again, your threads play like a broken record. You ask the same questions over and over, and you are given very much the same advice and yet it would seem that you do not try to apply it, and then return to ask the same questions and then rinse and repeat. MWD has studied this stuff for years and worked with thousands of persons just like you and she has identified what works and what does not. What you are doing does not. What you are being encouraged to do has been successful enough times to give it a go,and the worst case, you do not bust the D, but you save yourself in the process. You have 4 years under your belt according to your story of doing things that are not working. How much longer will you stay in the very cheeseless tunnel?
The old saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink really applies over your threads my friend. The small difference is that you came here to the watering hole on your own and you are asking everyone that passes where the water is. They point to it and say, Ghost, you are standing right next to it, have a drink. To which you continue to reply. Oh no, that is not the water I want to drink. It looks to murky and maybe a bit warm for my taste to partake of. I am very thirsty, but I will keep asking around until the exact water I want is available. The water I want will need to be a perfect temperature, and take no effort to obtain and be placed at my lips for me to drink. Thank you anyway.
My friend, I am not trying to be harsh here. And I know that as I read your thread, that my post here will mimic in the message the same that you have received many times. But maybe, just maybe this time will finally be the right time that something catches your attention and says to you, Ghost, you can not hope to get what you say you want, if you keep doing what you have always done. And do you know why Ghost? Because that is the definition of insanity, and we are not insane here. We are wounded from situations that many of us could never have fathomed. But more survive this and move on to better opportunities than not. And this is done by following the sound principles of DB and those folks that have lived it and are now in a better place.
It is up to you my dear friend. I know that I can not convince you. And I will not try to. I only hope to influence you in a positive manner that will get you moving to actually got after what it is you say you desire. It won't be easy. If it was, everyone would do it. But it is worth it for those that do get up, and do the heavy lifting.
Sleep well tonight my friend. I pray that you may be inspired and granted some strength to do the difficult so that you may get closer to what you want.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Well, SH said it wonderfully (really great horse and water analogy)
You want your W back, as we all know, but you only just want it to happen your way.
Here is a big harsh truth You have a 0.000001% chance of it working your way.
Your odds are way better if you take the active advice on obtaining your own life. Even if you don't save it, you the have a life of your own. But a life of your own, where you have male friends, hobbies, are no so enmeshed and codependent is probably the only chance you have to get your W back. You need to be a man who is comfortable in his own skin who's being and livelihood is not dependent on someone else. because that is unattractive.
So, you can just sit here and wait to see if she changed her mind with things as they are, and there is pretty much a nil chance of that happening. Or you can take the advice and do the work and give yourself a shot. Not only your M, but yourself a shot.
Hi yes still around and thinking how to move in a direction
The last few days I have been down at my sisters and it has been lovley
I spent the time with some of my children my wife stayed at home with my son
I missed my wife but I did have a good time and my life did not resolve arround my thoughts on my situation
I go round and round in circles hoping to find something different and it s not happening do I really have to sell my family home and move away from my children for half the week ....is this the only way out of this mess
Sh thank you for posting I think I am getting closer to trying the water but my fear is stopping me Thank you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
