Ok so I think I messed up. My W had apologized for everything that she did, she was contrite, she would offer me food, she would want to talk at 11pm after texting me, she would stand at the doorway when I left and when I went to NY last week, she texted asking me to tell her when I got there, even though I wasn't really talking to her that much.While on the trip I stopped talking to her, texting her. I recently texted her regarding the kids' birthday and she gave me some attitude. I feel like she was headed in the right direction before and by ignoring her without saying anything, I shut her down. Maybe I should tell her why I stopped talking instead of just continuing to ignore her.
I called her from NYC to talk to my S, she wanted to small talk, how my trip was, how my cousin was doing and I gave short answers and just asked to talk to my S, she put him on and when we were done I hung up. I had been short with her for a few weeks, she interpreted it as anger, when I addressed it before, she became nicer and said she understood.I didn't contact her again until yesterday. She didn't try to contact me either so I am not ignoring her, just not initiating contact.
I called her from NYC to talk to my S, she wanted to small talk, how my trip was, how my cousin was doing and I gave short answers and just asked to talk to my S, she put him on and when we were done I hung up. I had been short with her for a few weeks, she interpreted it as anger, when I addressed it before, she became nicer and said she understood.I didn't contact her again until yesterday. She didn't try to contact me either so I am not ignoring her, just not initiating contact.
If you discussed previously why would you fee, the need to do so again? The goal is to be mysterious and create intrigue by taking this approach. As darknes mentions, stay on the line in the middle. Do not ignore, but do not initiate. Better stated, be upbeat, mysterious and kind in your comunica. Review the info in DB on this part of the LRT.
If you already shared why you are minimizing communication (which may not be suggested as you should be taking action over words) then she is aware. melo, keep reading DR as it is important you truly understand the why behind the what.
Sometimes folks in here seem to just do what is suggested, get uptight when there is not an immediate result or a result different than they hoped for and then either blame the advice, change gears on what they are doing, and then fall back into what they were already doing. I can't emphasize enough the value of the principles in DR.
Start with a beginners mindset. Stay out of cheeseless tunnels. Set goals. Watch and adjust as you go.
Stick to your communication approach. Tweak it to ensure you are kind and not cold. Stay mysterious. Read DR more so you understand the why behind the what. You are S from W. You are in LRT and 180 territory. Memorize the info in DR.
Also, keep coming here with questions, and what you are doing for you and becoming the man only a fool would leave. I'll swing back to chat with ya about your Ted Talk learnings. Good stuff you shared.
You got this brother.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
So I talked to the W last night. She continues to say that I am shying away from talking to her. She continues to be angry about the alleged A, apparently I was cheating on her for years. This morning, as usual she made a big deal out of everything. She thinks tha t I am angry at her, she thinks that I am going back on my word about helping her with the rent. I just texted her that we will talk later. I'm thinking I will tell her that I am not running from her, I just don't know how to handle the rent thing. When I said it I was still thinking like a husband and I wasn't taking my needs into consideration. I want to tell her that I can give her another $100 in child support and she can use that for rent.
So I talked to the W last night. She continues to say that I am shying away from talking to her. She continues to be angry about the alleged A, apparently I was cheating on her for years. This morning, as usual she made a big deal out of everything. She thinks tha t I am angry at her, she thinks that I am going back on my word about helping her with the rent. I just texted her that we will talk later. I'm thinking I will tell her that I am not running from her, I just don't know how to handle the rent thing. When I said it I was still thinking like a husband and I wasn't taking my needs into consideration. I want to tell her that I can give her another $100 in child support and she can use that for rent.
Why are you so worried about the things in blue?
- Did you have an affair? If not, who cares if she has convinced herself that you did.
- Are you acting angry at her? If not, then who cares if she thinks you are?
- Are you going back on your word about rent? It doesnt look like it to me.
You will NEVER be able to "explain your way out of" anything. You bend to her will today, you will continue doing it forever. What did you agree on? What did your lawyer advise?
Why on earth are you giving her more money than you are supposed to?
melo please do not let her take advantage of your good nature . I have a friend that gave in 15 years ago to this and has paid a heavy price for it ever since. He has shared with me good advice so I do not fall into the same trap. I know it is hard as I to desperately wanted to just give her everything and I even said I would early on in my scripted lbh manner when the bad hit. She has called me out on things I said in the heat of those moments. But the truth is we are not thinking soundly and our pride can kick I when challenged on going back on our word. But think of it this way. The WAS has gone back on their word to love and cherish in good and bad, but they are not now are they? I am not saying that 2 wrongs make a right, but I am saying that do not let this get to you based on the simple priniple of our word. Step back and get counsel legally so that emotions can be removed when you give your word. This is key because everything that is decided now has long term implications and emotions and such will change.
Clear as mud right?
Stay strong .
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Melo: You are breaking through to the other side and are an inspiration. There is lots of good advice here and I know you will use it. The only thing I can add is be consistent. Stick to dates, times, etc. Show her and yourself that you are fulfilling the commitments you made. Most importantly, if you are moving away from her even at a snails pace - keep moving away. The second you slip back to her from attention, R talk, arguments, etc - she has you where she wants you.
Develop a path for yourself and stay on it. If she decides she wants to come meet you on your path great, if not - it's her loss.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
