You won't break down. It is a feeling and that feeling is fear.
Some of us work from a base of fear and anxiety, others from different emotions. Part of this journey is learning to tell these emotions apart, to learn what you are feeling and to manage it.
It is called emotional regulation and self soothing is part of it.
Some of us never learn our emotions early or we operate from one emotional base so strongly that we loose track of it.
I want you to know that there are generally thought to be six base emotions, fear, sadness, joy, Disgust, anger and surprise.
Then there are combinations which constitute other emotions, I think of these emotions like a disco machine with six sliders one for each emotion and at the moment your fear slider is way up.
What is needed is the volume control turned down to reduce the intensity. I know this and recognised it as my base emotion is fear.
Have you seen the film Inside Out? It's a disney film for children. It is an excellent resource for learning about emotions. I have watched it thirty times at least. I own two copies and it's on my laptop permanently.
My sense is that knowing and recognising which feeling you have will be helpful to you. It will be helpful to moving to detachment.
Knowing the difference between a feeling, thought and a behaviour is a tool in your toolkit. To a large extent we assume we know and in my case it was a bad assumption. I had to learn, oh yes that's fear, oh dear that's disgust. In my case disgust turned inwards which created shame leading to a belief that I deserved how I was treated followed by behaviour of not enforcing boundaries.
Emotions are feelings turned one way or another, inwards or outwards. Feelings with direction.
Once you observe feelings then they cease to drive you, they become like flotsam on a river flowing by that you can observe. You will always feel your feelings, they are yours, no one has the right to deny your feelings. No one can ever deny your feelings nor should you , acknowledge them and know they need not cause you to break. Authenticity is knowing your feelings and appropriately expressing them, such as I am angry right now, I am disgusted with myself for that behaviour, I am so very happy you visited, that took me by surprise, I am sad the cat died etc. In your case I am afraid of loss, afraid I am .........
In case you wondered love is a choice of behaviour.
Know that sometimes the hormones that drive the feelings (sliders on our disco kit) flood us and overwhelm us. The term for that is flooding and it takes about 10 mins to calm down, 20 if it's fear, adrenalin is more long lasting. It will make you think you are going to break down. You won't of course, these hormones are in the body all the time.
What you are feeling is causing body sensations of breaking down. They are just sensations and they will pass. I know this.
That is different from sadness which over a long period can create depression which is helped by time and professional treatment.
There is good news! Fear even the most frightening types which give panic attacks are the most well researched of all emotions and there is plenty of help.
I hope this is of assistance to you and that the tool of self soothing will move you to release the overwhelm.
This is absolutely totally and utterly normal and completely ok. It is designed to be this way so bring it on. It's part of your healing and how it should be. Strikes me your base emotion is fear and now you know you can never not know.
Expect with realisation, great calmness and peace. Knowledge is power and it need never be this bad again.
Treat yourself kindly and with compassion,
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
