New here and separated

[Coly23]

Hi ForGump, your right I was try get to show him some warmth when I texted him and it upset me when it wasn't reciprocated.

My mind was working overtime yesterday. Although there is no evidence and he has denied it I keep expecting OP to come out of the woodwork any day soon. I just can't get my head around how cold he has become towards me, it's frightening! Even though I have slipped a few times over this past week and a half of going dim it doesn't seem to me that he is interested in contacting me at all which makes me think he still doesn't miss me. I still cry every day and when I'm at work it's impossible to concentrate as all I want to do is cry. I just want to be me again and it feels like I will never get there. I don't smile much anymore and find no pleasure in anything. I can't even drown my sorrows as alcohol holds no pleasure for me anymore which is a good thing!

I dont really know how long to go dim for before I should give up and try something else, but what? Do the majority of WAS make contact or am I just kidding myself that he will? I know DB is about getting yourself in a better place to be able to handle whatever happens but I'm finding it so difficult to do this. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of this game waiting for my turn to roll the dice to move to the next step but H won't pass it on to me and is not giving me a chance or any hope of ever winning this game.

I feel so frustrated, confused and angry. I get annoyed sometimes when I see negative posts on here about the chance of reconciliation being very slim and how you should do this for yourself. Again I feel like I have no hope at all of saving this marriage and it is making me feel very sad. I just want to be able to hold on to something, anything to give me some hope it I don't know how to get that without asking H directly and risking it all. I just don't get any of this. I know it's process is meant to feel unatural as it is counterintuitive but how does that help to make me GAL when every bone in my body is screaming! I keep thinking what have I got to lose by asking him directly? I've already lost the husband I once knew how much worse can it get? I know I should be trying to show myself in the best light so he will want to comeback to me and I have been doing that for a few weeks now and I don't know if it is making any difference because I dont know what is what is going on in his mind or if there is an OP involved which will mean, at the moment, anything I do will go unnoticed anyway. Arrggghh! I just want to curl up under my duvet and never come out!