Well I get home and things are pleasant between W and myself we get a take away and chat about what we have each got up to while I have been any it is hard being in the house seeing her and having feeling for her but not being able to do anything about it.
Lots to be doing tomorrow
W and I get along pretty well so long as I am not talking about the relationship but I want to be more than just friends
I am keeping my level of detachment higher
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
So thought I would vent here rather than flap arround and end up saying the wrong thing to my w
Woke up after having a dream would not call it a night mare but in my dream my W had done a favour for some random guy and he thanked her by buying her an ice cream so she gave him a peck in the cheek and he tried moving that kiss to the lips ....[censored] if I am having bad dreams about this now what is it going to be like when this starts to happen IRL when and if she meets someone if I get to see her kissing someone else this will break my heart.
So I guess my question for today is this I am obviously very much in limbo as is my wife ....my W knows that I would do anything to get back with her I want our family to be one so what exactly is the path to getting back with my wife ?
Do I keep working at being her friend end up being friends for months or years then hope that feelings from her develope and she grows to love me again ?
DoI keep improving myself become the best person I can be the best dad and partner to her become a man only a fool would leave .....is it more important to love and care for her as a friend be there when she needs someone accept that she has lost her In love feelings to towards me I THINK she still loves me I know she has some feelings towards me I was her first partner and we have 4 children together and have shared 25 years together not all of which was bad.
Everything that she is doing is a choice she does not have to do this loving someone is a choice I just feel like asking her to show love to each other for the next month or two and see if the love between us can get stronger again
I feel so confused if she hated me wanted nothing to do with me then it would be easier but she wants to sepeerate on good terms which for the kids must be a good thing .....the stages of grief I have yet to get to anger ...I do not want to get angry ...I am very much at the denial stage
I do not even know if I am still in love with her... I know I still love her I keep telling myself that this could be fixed and our relationship could get better but she would have to want this to happen.
So my W has NEVER been the one to initiate things it has always been me so I feel that she wound not be the one to initiate a re connection if this was to ever happen .....how do people get back together do they talk about getting back with each other and the future and then agree a path ....do they just let matters evolve and if the connection returns just let it happen....a hug or a kiss leading to a bond and a re connection ? I was always the one to start things....I have backed right away from her and I am so unsure how to progress.
I know she is not at the point of wanting to get back with me yet I am scared that the longer we are apart the more likely it is that she will want to find intamacy with someone again .....she tells me that she does not want to be in a relationship with anyone and is not looking to date and I believe her ....she feels why would she want this crap again and get involved again....only to get hurt.
We get along as friends but I do not want to be just friends ...I feel so confused I feel why do we have to move to sepeerate houses why can this not be fixed and how do we fix this
A part of me thinks just set her free let her go but this feels like giving up on any chance of being together as she has never initiated does this mean she has never loved me or is this just the way she is.
Any advice ....is there a right or a wrong thing to do ...do what works I am try to understand what works does reconciliation start with a conversation or do feelings just grow and the reconnection just happens ?
I wish I knew the answers I just feel so confused
Thank you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi G. sounds like your having a bad day mate and wondering about W kissing someone else is not going to help you improve that day
You say she loves you and your right but she's not in love with you We all get your feeling of being afraid of making the situation worse BUT right now your living in limbo and that's very unhealthy for you. W isn't living in limbo , she's got everything she wants , G doing more than he used to but she's able to live a single life and safe in the knowledge that G is there wanting to reconcile if she decides that's what she wants
I'm not a vet G and can only offer my opinion , get on with your life , I'm not trying to upset you but W could be doing anything right now and you wouldn't know
This is a long , tough journey and you are doing well but you stumble as do we all
You don't know what W wants and maybe neither does she but right now , she' doesn't want G , her reasons are her own and right or wrong she believes them
You need to accept that in Ws mind , nothing G does will change her thoughts on this ( right now ) Your not accepting your reality and clinging to hope like it's your only option
We can all repeat the same advice over and over G but only you can decide what you want to do
Move forward , live your life like she's never coming back , that doesn't mean do anything drastic but it does mean don't treat her like a W because she's decided that she's not anymore
You say do what works , is what your doing working ?
Re read sandis post on WW and WAWs and stop thinking your sitch is different because of whatever reasons you come up with
At the end of the day , W is done she no longer wants the M and is t thinking they she's married anymore The sooner you accept that the better
Yes having bad day well a bad start to the day I just feel that I have to do something something to change things but am torn between making the decision to get out of this and not see my children every day or continue to live like this and see my children every day
So the in love feelings can they ever come back do they ? Surely it is all about working on it ....I don't know I really don't
She could be doing anything right now and I would not know we could be happily married and the same could happen she could meet someone and something could happen I guess it comes down to trust and letting go of the fear
Moving out selling the family home not seeing my w spending any time with her I just cannot see how this will bring us any closer yet sandi has mentioned many times that she has never seen a couple reconcile whilst living together
I just feel so confused and scared of getting to the point of fully accepting this as once I get to this point I am scared that if she ever wanted to reconcile then I would not want to...and this scares me.
Thank you once again I am listening to you I just am trying to understand what I need to do to move forwards.
RD I really appreciate your comments and thoughts
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thank you once again I am listening to you I just am trying to understand what I need to do to move forwards.
G, what are you doing to understand the advice you are being provided? Have you been reading DR? Have you been working with a DB coach? Have you put into practice what so many here are advising that you do based on the DB principles?
How long are you going to stay in one place trying to understand what you need to do to move forward before you take a step? You can stay put forever if you don't simply take one step at a time. DBing is not doing what you feel is best or comfortable. It is counterintuitive. Many here share how it has saved them by following the principles. Sandi2 has shared advice about in house separations. RD continues to share the same advice for you to let go of things and doing what is best for yo. And on and on. Do you understand what a cheese less tunnel is? Read what I shared with you about FEAR again.
Life will continue to happen to you whether you stand frozen in analysis paralysis or take steps forward, some which maybe in error but they are forward moving regardless. Success for you whether reconciliation and/or a stronger healthier mental and emotional state will only come if you get moving.
Think about it this way. Would we have airplanes, automobiles, telephones, or a more free society in the world if men and women waited until the understood perfectly what they needed to do, before taking action?
Of course not. They took action, made a few mistakes, learned from it and adjusted. Do you know what advantage you have over them? You have been provided valuable information and support from so many that have gone through what you are going through and can help you make fewer mistakes.
What are you waiting for? Get to doing what you know is the best course of action and stop waiting for the answer that you feel is right. It is pretty simple. I did not say it was easy. But you should know what to do now. You will just need to man up and go for it.
Be well today my friend. I continue to pray for you and your family. I hope you can dig deep and find the courage to do what is best long term for you and your family.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
she seems to be distancing herself further from me
OK. Ive heard you saying this over and over and over again for months now. Some actual questions:
1) You mention there was an EA/possible EA/whatever last fall. I remember something about a locked ipad. What ever happened with all that?
2) Your W was going out to clubs until very late many weekends such that you felt you were a babysitter. What is the latest on that?
3) Your W was hiding huge stacks of money. What is the latest on that? Are her paychecks accounted for now?
You say she is distancing from you, but these behaviors seem to have stopped over the last many months. Even if there were progress, I dont think you would see it as you are so wrapped up in this narrative.
As for you, why arent I hearing about your tennis or your ballroom dancing anymore? And every time I hear about the gym, it's "I started, but Im not doing a very consistent job at it". What will it take for you to really work on you?
Hi G. For me , it's all about moving forward. What's going on in your home is heartbreaking because you see and interact with W everyday. It's very hard to detach under those circumstances if not impossible
I found it much easier to cope once W left and it makes the situation more real
I've read a lot on this site about how it takes real loss for the WAS to feel like they are actually losing something. As I said , right now your W has no loss to feel and if anything her life is better ( in her eyes ) because G is trying to impress
In my own sitch it's taken W being gone for almost 2 years to accept that she can't come home and that was two years of financial hardship and loss of respect from her kids and family. I'm sure there are many positives from her point of view but it took two years for her to know that I was done Your W knows your very far from done so why would she change her attitude or feelings
Just my thoughts G but I've posted them before. I truly feel for you and empathise completely
Thank you once again I am listening to you I just am trying to understand what I need to do to move forwards.
G, what are you doing to understand the advice you are being provided? Have you been reading DR? Have you been working with a DB coach? Have you put into practice what so many here are advising that you do based on the DB principles?
How long are you going to stay in one place trying to understand what you need to do to move forward before you take a step? You can stay put forever if you don't simply take one step at a time. DBing is not doing what you feel is best or comfortable. It is counterintuitive. Many here share how it has saved them by following the principles. Sandi2 has shared advice about in house separations. RD continues to share the same advice for you to let go of things and doing what is best for yo. And on and on. Do you understand what a cheese less tunnel is? Read what I shared with you about FEAR again.
Life will continue to happen to you whether you stand frozen in analysis paralysis or take steps forward, some which maybe in error but they are forward moving regardless. Success for you whether reconciliation and/or a stronger healthier mental and emotional state will only come if you get moving.
Think about it this way. Would we have airplanes, automobiles, telephones, or a more free society in the world if men and women waited until the understood perfectly what they needed to do, before taking action?
Of course not. They took action, made a few mistakes, learned from it and adjusted. Do you know what advantage you have over them? You have been provided valuable information and support from so many that have gone through what you are going through and can help you make fewer mistakes.
What are you waiting for? Get to doing what you know is the best course of action and stop waiting for the answer that you feel is right. It is pretty simple. I did not say it was easy. But you should know what to do now. You will just need to man up and go for it.
Be well today my friend. I continue to pray for you and your family. I hope you can dig deep and find the courage to do what is best long term for you and your family.
I have the DR perhaps I need to re read it to refresh myself I have used a DB coach I had a block of sessions but I ran out of money
I do not believe that my W has had an EA I believe I got to this point through my fear
She keeps her phone and iPad locked with the fingerprint recognition so I cannot get access to either and to be honest I do not want to know
Her money has been mostly put back into the family with large items purchased for my daughter so I do not think she is putting money aside any longer I could be ring but she is not working enough to to do this
Thank you I will answer more later I am exhausted as I am not sleeping vey well
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
she seems to be distancing herself further from me
OK. Ive heard you saying this over and over and over again for months now. Some actual questions:
1) You mention there was an EA/possible EA/whatever last fall. I remember something about a locked ipad. What ever happened with all that?
2) Your W was going out to clubs until very late many weekends such that you felt you were a babysitter. What is the latest on that?
3) Your W was hiding huge stacks of money. What is the latest on that? Are her paychecks accounted for now?
You say she is distancing from you, but these behaviors seem to have stopped over the last many months. Even if there were progress, I dont think you would see it as you are so wrapped up in this narrative.
As for you, why arent I hearing about your tennis or your ballroom dancing anymore? And every time I hear about the gym, it's "I started, but Im not doing a very consistent job at it". What will it take for you to really work on you?
Hi darkness
So to answer your questions,1) I have no proof whatsoever that ther was an EA I suspect my fear and my jealousy made this appear real.
My W tells me that she does not want to be in a relationship and I do believe her when she says this she is not trying to date she does not want to have a new relationship here is what I think happened
My w loves to talk to anybody males and females and I was /am jealous I W scared that she would meet somebody else so I tried to control my W I did not like her going out and she knew this so she did not go out with her friends so much and this made Her very unhappy now that she has separated her feelings from me she no longer feels guilty or cares she just wants to be happy I saw this yesterday hen we went out to her sisters shows chatting to sisters husbands and in the past I would have felt jealous and I might even have jokingly accused her of flirting with them ....this was not the case and the more I watched her the more realised she just loves to talk she likes male and female company and this is something that I would have to accept and a very big 180 would be me showing no control ..(I do not have any and probably never did ) over her friends
2) my W does go out with her girl friends and one of those friends likes to go clubbing and my W goes along with her ( she would not go on her own) I am 100% sue she gets male attention my wife is very good looking slim and blonde hair she turns heads so again mŷ jealousy and my fear would have made her feel scared that if she met someone then she would leave me ...to add she never gave me any reason to doubt her lloyalty to me.
3) she was stacking money away she might still be for all I know I do not think that she is but I would not know if she was putting some away each week or month I guess it comes down to trust.
She keeps her,phone and her iPad locked and, msgs on her devices,do not show up as a header the phone just pings so I have no idea who it is,could be work or could,be a guy sending her a msg(my fear again)
She rarely ever sends me a txt I guess why would she .....a choice she makes
So to look at positives She has not left the house She has not filed for divorce She likes my company still We do not argue We still have a good relationship We both will still do things for each other kind gestures We are talking about going away later this year as a family abroad
As to me I did not enjoy the dancing it was older people and I felt out of place ...perhaps salsa ? I lost my love of tennis this was one of the original reasons that my W told me she wanted out was I would put tennis above her and our children
I have been using a personal trainer and he has been very supportive but I am not making very much progress I am still overweight and I feel bad about this yet I struggle to make any progress I will never be body beautiful too many stretch marks but I need to loose weight for my health.
I guess I am afraid to make new friends I do not want to live away from my children my W my family and I am scared that I could meet someone and this would complicate things further
I have done a few meetiups and I have stepped outside my comfort zone
I am becoming a better person and this is important to me
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
