WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[SH_]

SH, I am flattered you sought me out to give my opinion. Here are a few of my thoughts.

It is interesting you quoted MWD on the LRT and only quoted the first of the three possible outcomes.Nothing happens. From my observations here, I think that it is too early to state it has not had a positive effect on your W. You cannot know that and it really does take a long time to cause a shift.

I think my focus on just the first thing, is because I believe that I found DB much to late. My sitch blew up and out so fast I barely had a chance to react. Thats not to say I did not have 20 years to react in a different manner, but to this day, no explanation, no talks, no nothing. No OM either.

I guess I just feel that nothing I am doing is noticed from a stand point other than she is angry about it all in her comments to my D's.
But, I get your point.

I often use the frozen lake analogy to describe the DB process. DBing thaws the WAS from the inside out just like a frozen lake. The ice gets thinner and thinner but on the surface it remains unchanged and frozen. Do not assume anything but also don't sit there watching for it to melt.

This is a good one and very true. I think my concern is I am not waiting for anything to thaw in her.
I am waiting to move on with life. I think this makes me feel bad. Why do I feel a sense of freedom from her, when I should be feeling loss?

My time since this all blew up has been short. There is no OM to make me feel better giving up. My D's need a mother, but she has not been that for them and so I do not feel it a loss.
Am I rewriting history myself and all I can see is the emotional prison that feel I was trapped in with her for so many years? After reading DB I see so many issues in our MR when I was lulled into thinking it was just normal married life.

This pulls at me in my thoughts.

I think you have done great. That bond between you and D17 has strengthened so much in this process even though ye seemed close before. That is priceless and may not have happened to the same extent if this crap had not happened.

Thank you. My daughters are my pride and joy and where I have felt true love. I know the love of a child is different than that of a S, but I wonder some days if I ever truly loved my W.
Why do I ponder this of late?
My bond with D18 has grown stronger through all of this I have no doubt.
I pray I can do that with d5 as well.

You seem to have grown impatient recently.Why is that? Had you hoped all the great stuff on your side of the fence would have drawn W out of her fog by now? Are you realising that regardless what you do it may nit get her back? Those changes and great improvements are for you. You have embraced that. Your W has noticed your improved lifestyle.She has. But for now she is clouded by other stuff. That cloud could be there for years to come or could lift next week. Don't sit and wait.

I am afraid my impatience may be quite the opposite of hope for her to come out of the fog.
The ILYBNILWY that I have for her is getting stronger each day and with every infrequent interaction I have with her. I feel like I want her to simply go away, because every little interaction she has with me is of such a silly and childish manner, that I just don't want the bother any longer.

Today for example, I texted her to confirm the time and plan to pick up d5 for a parent teacher conference this evening. I was to pick up d5 from STBXW classroom to go meet d5's teacher.
The response was, Its in the email I sent you last week.
My first feeling and reaction was to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of the response as my inquiry was more about the exchange of d5. The email she forwarded me last week was the school form letter of events and all. I was in an office and actually did start laughing.
I simply responded, Thank you. I will drop by your classroom to pick up D5 during the times for the conferences. Have a wonderful day. (smiley face)

A couple of hours later she texts me the wrong times. Then texts again some minutes later with an apology and the correct times and requested that I text her when I got to the school.
I find the whole thing funny and see her as I would see any other difficult person that I would have to interact with in life.
I saw her at the school and nothing. I felt nothing. Not worry. Not anger. Not love. I did feel a little pity as her classrooms AC was not working and she looked hot and uncomfortable. She actually struck up small talk with me to tell me of the issue. I smiled, wished her much that it could be fixed before the kids start school and bid her good night.

So my ramble here equals, I am feeling nothing for her good nor bad. I only want to have the thread that attaches us severed so I can move on with life. But I think there is guilt that gnaws at me for this feeling. Is this supposed to be happening after the emotional crisis I went through when it felt like losing her was shatter any hope of a happy future?

I think having a WAW is in some ways harder to deal with than a WW. A WW will behave and do stuff that pushes the lbs to "had enough" stage faster. A WAW gives false hope because there is no one else involved. That hope holds many lbs back.

Agreed. I find myself wishing that there was an OM so I could make sense of this and blame someone.
Maybe that is my issue. I don't blame her for leaving me. Or I blame her to much. Or I blame me.....to much. I don't know. Maybe I need to be able to lay the blame somewhere and feel confident in where so I can have closure.
Is it closure I want? I don't think it is reconciliation. Or is it?
I am not sure as the war over this rages in my mind and soul more than I would want it to.

Over the last 20 months, I have come to a stand still many times faced with a decision on how to proceed. Earlier on I put myself under unnecessary pressure to decide NOW about the future. However now when faced with the same type of crossroads, I acknowledge that it would be good to decide definitely now the best way forward, but it is not a necessity. Furthermore I can change my mind further down the road if I don't like my choice. This situation is stressful enough without imposing self imposed unnecessary stresses as well.

I believe that I am drawn to your wisdom and thoughts as you have walked this path for a long time. You have evolved. You have changed. That is what I desire to do myself.
The pressure you speak of is real. I know I do it. I have always done it and then I buckle when I can not seem to get it in order.
I fear that I pulled the final threads of my MR because of unneeded self imposed pressure and I stumbled and then buckled in front of her. She had enough. Did she add to that pressure? Or was it all me?
I am not sure. But I want to avoid that now.
But I have dreams and plans that have now had an anchor tossed onto them.
I must heed your advice.
I need balance.
I can still make progress.
I can do it with less pressure and more motivation.
I am seeking clarity for this.

I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.

Best wishes. Hopefully something in what I said will help you. If you want my to clarify anything, let me know.

Thank you. I feel grounded emotionally at the point. From the roller coaster that is. I still have work to ground myself with confidence and decisiveness for sound decisions and opportunities. But I do know that some heavy lifting to get my emotional state in place has paid off. Still some big challenges left, but I am at least stable for now.

I look forward to your thoughts to my responses.
Please take your time as I know you are busy this week. No hurry as I will also ponder what I have thrown up here.

Thank you my friend. You are a wise person. I see and sense that in your postings, feedback and efforts for your self.