Episode 3 - The Divorce Awakens

[Rick1963]

QT I learned a lot about myself during this period. I learned that I don't like conflict. If I didn't like what she was doing I needed to let my angry tank to fill up. Than I would explode in a rage. Did that many times. June of 2011 I discovered that my daughter had failed every class and had missed 75 or so days from school. I lost my temper especially since exw spent all her time and money on a new hobby, horses.

I blamed exw for not being a better parent and spending all her time with horses. In reality I should have been more involved. But they would not let me in and lied and covereD for each otherm.
My daughter will be 20 in December with a 9th grade education. I feel bad for her but it's her choice. We had save enough money for her to attend college. It's her life.

The finances will work themselves out. And what I learned is that when you go through divorce you must park your heart on a shelve. It all boils down to money and who gets what. Sad..

[qt4x11]

QT I learned a lot about myself during this period. I learned that I don't like conflict. If I didn't like what she was doing I needed to let my angry tank to fill up. Than I would explode in a rage. Did that many times. June of 2011 I discovered that my daughter had failed every class and had missed 75 or so days from school. I lost my temper especially since exw spent all her time and money on a new hobby, horses.

I blamed exw for not being a better parent and spending all her time with horses. In reality I should have been more involved. But they would not let me in and lied and covereD for each otherm.
My daughter will be 20 in December with a 9th grade education. I feel bad for her but it's her choice. We had save enough money for her to attend college. It's her life.

The finances will work themselves out. And what I learned is that when you go through divorce you must park your heart on a shelve. It all boils down to money and who gets what. Sad..

Well I just read your last thread, I'm glad you have someone you love now, and it seems like things are looking up for you financially with your new business.

My kids are young so I don't even know (yet) how problems with their schooling like your Ds can affect the MR. Sounds like you had problems controlling your temper at times, but also that your W was enabling your D's problems and also checked out of a lot of her parenting duties. So nobody specifically at fault.

It's so unbelievably sad, and I'm just at the beginning of the D process. I just dread all of the sad things coming down the road for me - the selling of the marital home, separate residences, what will happen when kids start school again in the fall, if my wife hooks up with a new man. And then once the divorce is finalized - I'll be alone, with less money, and have a whole new set of sad experiences. At this point, I would like to reconcile, but that seems more and more unlikely given all the stuff that's happened/is happening. Other than that I'd just like to be happy and all of this stuff behind me - but even that seems pretty far away.




Not doing well the past few days. Stressed out, irritable, not sleeping, staying up late worrying this divorce stuff to death. I had to go back to my house to retrieve some items a couple days ago, I should've known from last time I was home that it would totally destroy me. Every time I go home, it's so surreal. It's like visiting a former life. I'm just filled with so much regret and sadness. A family used
to live here and now they're broken. It's my fault.

I have moments where I am relatively ok and don't think about my divorce, usually when I'm having fun or doing something distracting like work. This is progress. It still takes a lot of self control to stop myself from reaching out to her whenever we have to interact.

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I unfriended my wife on FB. Sad, so unbelievably sad. She was posting pics of 'hey look at the view from my condo' and friends were congratulating her on it. I got mad because I'm the one paying the mortgage on that condo and I've been sleeping on couches for three months now. Maybe it is a good sign that I am feeling some anger.

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They say in order to gain acceptance you have to forgive your spouse, even if you don't feel like it. So I am sorry for everything I did to cause my marital problems. And I forgive my wife for - giving up on me, abandoning me, breaking up our family, and during the divorce process - becoming vindictive unfair and mean spirited, and taking the process too far.

[SH_]

Hey brother you are going through a range of normal emotions.
Grab on to something that is bolted down and let the storm blow over.

2 things I want ya to remember and one thing I want you to do today.

First , it is not ALL your fault. I won't explain this you will just have to trust me until you are in more firm footing with your emotional state.

Second, you are a father and you will let that responsibility be your focus as those kiddos need you.

And now to help calm the storm please google, F*ck that a guided meditation. Then sit down in the meditation form, close your eyes and let you mind empty out.

You should feel some calm and at least a little smile will emerge.
Rinse and repeat as many times as needed

Be well today my friend

[Cld]

qt4,

There is a way out of all of this, believe, I am going through the same as you right now. Actually I am a little bit ahead of you, I just had my settlement yesterday and financially I won big time. I got 4 of our 5 houses plus I am going to see the kids every weekend.
I can tell that my wife is softening up and I can even image reconciling at some point in the not too distant future.
How am I achieving all of this? Very simple, I stay positive, exercise, and avoid all the negative behaviors that contributed to the decline of my marriage.
My wife, together with her lawyer have been extremely negative in the past 7 months, and I can only neutralize that by being extremely positive.
I can tell that you are making mistakes and you really have to work on yourself if you want to turn your situation around because your wife at some point will notice.
There are still things that you should definitely avoid like lap dances, alcohol, and masturbation. Unfriending your wife on Facebook also was a big mistake that you will regret, and when you try to add her back, you'll look weak and desperate. Don't be angry at her, stay calm and friendly no matter what.
There is a good way out of all of this believe me.
It's a situation where you are happily divorced, still loving each other, living separately and doing some activities all together with the children as well.
Keep smiling my friend, you can turn your divorce around.
Hugs.

[qt4x11]

Hey brother you are going through a range of normal emotions.
Grab on to something that is bolted down and let the storm blow over.

2 things I want ya to remember and one thing I want you to do today.

First , it is not ALL your fault. I won't explain this you will just have to trust me until you are in more firm footing with your emotional state.

Second, you are a father and you will let that responsibility be your focus as those kiddos need you.

And now to help calm the storm please google, F*ck that a guided meditation. Then sit down in the meditation form, close your eyes and let you mind empty out.

You should feel some calm and at least a little smile will emerge.
Rinse and repeat as many times as needed

Be well today my friend

LOL - That's not helping me to meditate!
Thanks SH_. I'm doing better now, my kids are with me for a few days so I'm happy again:)

[SH_]

LOL - That's not helping me to meditate!
Thanks SH_. I'm doing better now, my kids are with me for a few days so I'm happy again:)

As long as we got a smile, we will count that as good. We can try the meditation another day.

Now you enjoy every moment this weekend with your kids. Live in the moment and stay focused on them.
You win as you will feel calm and joy.
Your kids win, because they will feel the love of a happy, confident father that will protect them, love them and guide them as they determine the dreams in life and head towards them.
Nothing should interfere with this goal for you this weekend. Not even that bipolar mind of yours that wants to convince you the sky is falling. Because damn it, it is not. The past is over and can not be changed. The future has not been set in stone. But the present is now and you have 100% control over that.

Make it the best weekend that you can remember in a long time.
Be well my friend. It is a good time to feel some joy and peace in your current journey.

[qt4x11]

In the past few days I’ve noticed that I’m not as bogged down with feelings of sadness, regret, and guilt over my divorce. I also feel like I’m moving further along in accepting the fact that we are headed towards divorce. My thoughts around this right now are - what can I do, I love my wife still, but if she doesn’t want to be with me and is pushing divorce despite everything, then I have no choice but to try to rebuild my life, and continue working on making myself a better person. I think focusing on what’s in front of me - work, the legal stuff around the case, my kids, etc. - is helping. Also I’ve been focusing on doing stuff like - going to meet up groups, working on my side business, exercising as much as I can at this time, and playing guitar again - that helps.
If I think too much about the situation around my divorce, I’m so sad I can’t even function. I have to focus on getting myself together, and getting back on stable footing in my life right now. Being around people at work is tough right now. There is the usual office tension of ambition and competition, I’m not in a good enough place right now to be able to deal with it. I have to remind myself that I’m going through a divorce right now and I’m extremely sensitive to every little emotion. In order to function it takes active effort for me to ignore whatever turbulent feelings are going on inside of me so I can focus on my responsibilities.

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I read about the celebrity divorce of Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom. Miranda is now dating the billionaire founder of Snapchat and Orlando is dating Katy Perry, so I think they are doing alright. I read an interview with Miranda regarding coparenting their kid with Orlando - she said ‘they’re now a modern family’. I’ve heard the term ‘modern family’ a lot - is that what we’ll be? I think divorced people describe their situations as ‘a modern family’ because it normalizes things and makes them feel better about a broken family.

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I had the kids over the weekend, I took them to the park, took them to Toys R Us, played video games, watched movies, we got together with my family - and on Sunday I took them to a birthday party for one of their friends. I miss them right now. When I’m with them I try to be cheerful, but I feel like they can see through me, they know that I really want to put our family back together.

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I hit my 90 days of sobriety more than a week ago, and I hit my ’90 12 step meetings in 90 days’ goal a couple of days ago. No fireworks, I’m still the same person, but I’m at least a little calmer and more accepting of my situation, and I feel at least in some ways I’m a much better person than I was 3 months ago, with more clarity. When you smoke weed you choose to live in your own ‘self defined world’ - I think a lot of people like me have trouble dealing with stress in their lives and with their own emotions. It’s a way of hiding from yourself. The problem with this is - you are also choosing to cut yourself off from the good things in your life, your wife and kids, your friends and family. Also there’s a spiritual law - whatever you ignore, comes back to you eventually. In my case, all of the problems around stress and self esteem and conflict avoidance I’ve been hiding from all these years - really came back in full force. Look at my life now.
After one 12 step meeting I stayed after and was talking to a lady who has 30 years sobriety. I said - the issue is, now that I don’t have the option of retreating from my emotion with drugs - I have to find a way to deal with stuff like work stress, relationship problems, etc. That stuff won’t go away, in fact I have a lot more stress and relationship problems right now than ever before - and I’m intimidated with having to deal with it. She said - the way to deal with that stuff is - you just have to walk through it.
On top of the huge list of problems in my life right now, I’m being sued for $6k. It is a long story - about 8 months ago I got out of a cab on the wrong side of the street. I got in an accident - it was my fault for opening the door on the wrong side of the street. When I opened the door a car flew by and scratched the door. There was a lot of damage to the cab and the car. When the police showed up and took everybody’s names he said - don’t worry, cab company’s insurance is so good they will just pay this out and the issue will go away. So I showed up at traffic court and nobody else showed up - not the cabbie or the other driver. The case was dismissed. Now 8 months later I got a letter from the other driver’s lawyer - they are trying to get me to pay for the damages to his car. I thought the case was dismissed and his damages were paid by the cab insurance? I have to deal with this, it’s the last thing I need right now in my life.

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Here are people’s attitudes towards me, post divorce filing:
Mom and brothers: we love and support you, but you need to focus on yourself and stop talking about it (Easier said than done, it’s like they don’t want to hear about my pain anymore. And they used to love my wife - and now they hate her.)
My wife’s friends and family: you’re dead to us. (Great. You know there are two sides to every story right? Despite how I’m being painted I’m not a villain, I just made some mistakes.)
My kids: my kids love me, it doesn’t seem to affect them very much right now, but I’m worried about how this situation will affect them in the future. Right now I lean on my kids for love, although they are a reminder to me of what is lost, and being around them is always tinged with sadness.
Society: over %50 of married couples divorce, you’re nothing special, get over it. (Great. This is the worst pain imaginable that anyone should have to go through. I think it’s worse for me than my dad’s death. And society is minimizing my pain? I can’t turn off my emotions, as much as I’d like to.)

[Cld]

I am glad you are doing better qt4.
And yes, society is very much f***ed up here in America.
It is not normal or modern to get divorced and it's not a positive thing to do, it's totally f***ed up. Don't give up qt4, don't accept it, fight for it, do everything that you can to stop it.
Your kids will be thankful to you someday if you succeed or not.
Imagine if Steve Job, after being fired by Apple, just started a different career as a plumber......Instead he didn't gave up and continued where he left. Quitters never win, never! That's the main difference between winners and losers, winners never quit.

[SH_]

qt,

Much thinking you have here.
Thinking is good, but be cautious that you do not cross over into rumination.
When with your children, a positive way to enjoy sincere joy is to stay focused on them and their feelings. Genuine service to others will provide genuine peace and happiness. Then they won't see through as there will be nothing to see through. Ya feel me here?
The thoughts of what others think are a real challenge. The work is to minimize concern for their thoughts.
2 reasons.
People are typically selfish and do not really spend much time thinking of you at all, so worrying about what they are thinking, is mostly your own projection of thoughts.
Second, the only folks that should matter to you as to what they think, are the ones that support and love you.

I know that my feedback will sink in at the right moment, so I encourage you to re read it when you are in a moment of peace and calm.

The pain and loss is real.
You are a good person.
You know that there is much work to do to heal.
You have made progress.
You will come out on the other end, stronger and more wise, with scars,but you will stand tall and proud again.
Not simple platitudes that I share here.
Only universal truths if you choose to push forward.

I'm here supporting you and I strongly believe that both of us will get off of this battlefield and we will return stronger, wiser, and more fulfilled my friend.

We are already in hell, so we might as well keep walking forward.

[betterman77]

Q,
I don't post often but I've been following along with you because our situations are eerily similar. I did feel the need to respond because I've experienced exactly what you are going through.

My kids: my kids love me, it doesn't seem to affect them very much right now, but I'm worried about how this situation will affect them in the future. Right now I lean on my kids for love, although they are a reminder to me of what is lost, and being around them is always tinged with sadness.

My daughter and son were a year younger then yours when my situation started and at the time I felt the exact same way as you do now. I too leaned on them for love and they gave me exactly what I needed to build myself back up. You'll learn that they are more resilient than you think and as long as you are their rock that they will be ok. Mine are both thriving in everything they do and I couldn't be happier and more proud of them.

Society: over %50 of married couples divorce, you're nothing special, get over it. (Great. This is the worst pain imaginable that anyone should have to go through. I think it's worse for me than my dad's death. And society is minimizing my pain? I can't turn off my emotions, as much as I'd like to.)

You may think that way now but after the smoke clears and the dust settles on your situation you'll think differently. I'm not saying this to minimize the pain you're feeling for either, but my mom's been gone 8 years and I still miss her everyday, my XW and our relationship eh, not so much. What I'm getting at is that YOU will be OK regardless of the outcome with your W.

You're on the right path, just keep walking it.