Something big happened last night, I think.

[eyesopened]

Hi Lonestarfree,
I'm writing this while doing several other things, so forgive me if it seems to jump around at times. Regarding your letter, first did you read my second post, which is right above your post with the letter.

Especially pay attention to the first paragraph where I explain why I'm leaving my husband after more than 20 years of marriage. It's because I didn't SEE any PERMANENT changes. I have a drawerful of letters similar to the one you want to give your wife. I know my husband was SINCERELY remorseful when he wrote every one of those letters and and that he'd be relieved if God miraculously took this problem away from him.

Have you read Divorce Busting or the Divorce Remedy? There's excellent advice in those books especially regarding monitoring behavior that is effective or ineffective.

IMHO, if this is the first letter AND if you're able to put it someplace where you're not checking every day to see if your wife has read it AND if you can accept that your wife has no obligation or duty to respond to the letter AND if you know that you won't get upset or angry if she doesn't respond or if she responds with anger, sarcasm, or disbelief, then perhaps you may want to give this to her. If you're expecting a positive response from her wife, you're trying to control her.

On the other hand, if you've previously given her letters like this promising to change but have gone back on those promises, this letter may be seen as more empty promises made solely to keep her from leaving.

Again, compare your anger problems to alcoholism. If you have any experience with alcoholics, you've probably familiar with the promises not to drink and apologies about the harm it caused to those around the alcoholic. The promises and remorse are sincere, and there may be some short-term behavior changes but after a while things almost always go back to the way they used to be.

As a Christian, you may be aware of the parable where a father asks two sons to do something. One son says he'll do it but he doesn't actually do the chore. The other son says he won't but then he goes out and does it. Jesus then asks his listeners which son actually did his father's will. The answer, of course, is the one who actually did what the father asked, not the one who said he'd do it but then didn't.

The first time my husband gave me a letter like the one you want to give your wife, I believed him especially since he has a hard time expressing his feelings and apologizing.(brought up by a dad very much like the father in The Great Santini, including the fact that he, too, was a USMC officer) In fact, that letter was a factor in my decision to give him a second chance.

The second time he gave me a letter like that, I threw it in the trash, packed up our son, and moved 1500 miles away with every intention of divorcing him. Words are cheap and they mean nothing when the harmful behavior continues. The only reason I came back was that he (who didn't believe in counseling and thought it was for "wimps") went immediately into counseling with a therapist who worked solely with abusive men and we were able to reestablish an emotional bond at his father's funeral. Also, I called his counselor who stated that my husband was one of the few men he'd worked with who seemed to have the potential and was extremely motivated (I've never doubted that my husband loves me and loves our kids) to stop the abusive and harmful behavior.

Subsequent letters from him only irritated me because I'd have preferred that he brace himself like a man, apologize with no excuses, and be willing to face and accept the anger, pain, and grief I was feeling over being hurt by him. I would also have preferred that he take whatever action was necessary to stop his abusive and angry behavior and words rather than to wait until our relationship reached crisis level. Letters are very one-sided, and I felt manipulated because he'd get upset if I didn't read them or respond to them positively. I don't believe that he was trying to be manipulative or controlling, and I believe that he truly thought he was being sincere and that he was pouring out his heart to me. However, I felt controlled and manipulated and that I was expected to ease his pain and discomfort despite my own great emotional pain created by his broken promises and abusive behavior.

On the other hand, your wife may feel differently about a letter. Again, I can only tell you my feelings and thoughts as a woman who repeatedly gave her husband second chances and who heard sincere, but ultimately empty, promises for 20 years. And now that our kids are grown and leaving home, I don't see any reason to stay with my husband and his demons any longer.

You can't and shouldn't expect to control your wife's feelings and decisions, you can only control your own emotions and behavior. If you haven't read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy, please do. If you want to buy them, you can find good prices through www.bestbookbuys.com . I'd also highly recommend Anger Busting 101 (the website has some good info, but it's very limited). Also, Willard Harley's books, His Needs, Her Needs; and Love Busters (especially read the section in that book on angry outbursts). Dr. Harley's website has some info on love busters here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html There are links within the article to specific love busters, such as angry outbursts.

If you don't want to buy them, most libraries have interlibrary loan programs and should be able to obtain these books for you. Incidentally, if my husband had taken the initiative to read any of these books and put the principles into practice (without demanding that I notice that he was reading them), I would have been favorably impressed and more inclined to give him another chance. But again, that's me and I'm not your wife.

Again, I commend you for the steps you've taken so far, especially the anger management. Like Michele, I believe that marriage is worth fighting for especially if there are children. Your daughters need a father who will love and protect them and who shows them through his life how a good husband treats his wife. Daughters who grow up in homes with abuse often marry men who abuse them; and I'm sure you don't want that for your daughters.