good direction or backsliding?

[ForGump]

I know the feeling. I dread emails from my W. I feel for you, man...

[lt0402]

I have not, I have an IC and cannot afford both.
Not sure what to do,
received email after 1hr and 15min of waiting. not reading it until later.

-feel like I'm going to have a breakdown.

Stay strong clearte. Try to occupy yourself with other things today, even though I know how difficult it is. I'd offer that you wait until you get off work to read it. I know that if I hit the gym post work and then delve into this type of stuff I'm a lot more level headed and less on edge.

Regardless of what it says, don't respond immediately. Take some time to dwell it over and hit some of the vets on here for advice and a counterpoint.

We're all here for you brother!

[cheesyt]

"To start, I think you need to realize that at this time, our marriage is done in my eyes. I am not interested in repairing or fixing this marriage. I have been really focusing on me and SD, and I feel like I am a better person without you. I know that may really hurt to hear, I'm sorry, but I think that you need to start moving on. "

W also mentioned she is not impressed with my changes. Mainly it's all about D. and how she doesn't think she can trust me to take care of her or be around her.

any direction here guys for the marriage part?

[ForGump]

I can imagine getting an email like this from my W.

Not that you should necessarily reply -- maybe it's best to just let it be -- but you could say,

"I agree, our marriage is done. The marriage we had suffered from [XYZ]. And I'm moving forward, setting a new course for the person I want to be and am working on it. I am glad to hear you feel you're becoming a better person. I want you to be happy."

[Wonka]

"I agree, our marriage is done. The marriage we had suffered from [XYZ]. And I'm moving forward, setting a new course for the person I want to be and am working on it. I am glad to hear you feel you're becoming a better person. I want you to be happy."

Hiya, C.

I am dealing with some personal issues that require my time which is why I've not been here for some time. Whatever you do, DO NOT send the above suggested text/email response. Sit tight and I WILL be back tomorrow with a suggested response that is in line with DB principles.

For now,do nothing and do someTLC for yourself.

Can you do this today/tonight?

((((C)))))

[cheesyt]

is it possible to come back from that? She'd always said she wasnt sure...and that she was confused.

now I feel like its really over.

[cheesyt]

Talked to W, her main concerns are about what is said to D, or around her. I agreed with W, she even staid "stop telling me I'm right" I validated her feelings a lot. I told her we would stop having boundary conversarion, she said "then show me" I really think she's back to the stranger W after she freaked out that we had too many good days and she was normal W.

We did not touch on the marriage.

We concluded with I need to show her, stick to the schedule, I want to be a good Parent, we are in same page, no more circle talks, & we are "friends".

Made an appointment with a coach. I need serious help. I thought things were going good and bam. Another crappy day almost done.

[lt0402]

Hang in there brother. I get the "stop saying you understand" at times when I validate as well. Seems to be an art for when you lob that in there. I'd go back and re-read the validating post and take some time to put the phrases in your own words. My W told me I sounded like a therapy book when I regurgitated them from there. Needs to sound like it's coming from clearte.

For the other stuff, you probably need some vets to opine. Going dark seems like a possibility but as you know from my thread I'm no master of that.

Regardless, keep your head up and stay strong. Here to support you brother!

[cheesyt]

thanks! the word regurgitate makes me think of my cat puking!

I seem to be wrong more than not.

Thought we concluded on a decent note on the phone earlier,
reached out to W about D, got ignored then finally an "I don't want to talk" text. I replied with "ok" -will go dim.

crazy to think almost two weeks ago we were enjoying each others company and being extra kind and caring toward each other.

[Vanilla]

Clearte

You won't break down. It is a feeling and that feeling is fear.

Some of us work from a base of fear and anxiety, others from different emotions. Part of this journey is learning to tell these emotions apart, to learn what you are feeling and to manage it.

It is called emotional regulation and self soothing is part of it.

Some of us never learn our emotions early or we operate from one emotional base so strongly that we loose track of it.

I want you to know that there are generally thought to be six base emotions, fear, sadness, joy, Disgust, anger and surprise.

Then there are combinations which constitute other emotions, I think of these emotions like a disco machine with six sliders one for each emotion and at the moment your fear slider is way up.

What is needed is the volume control turned down to reduce the intensity. I know this and recognised it as my base emotion is fear.

Have you seen the film Inside Out? It's a disney film for children. It is an excellent resource for learning about emotions. I have watched it thirty times at least. I own two copies and it's on my laptop permanently.

My sense is that knowing and recognising which feeling you have will be helpful to you. It will be helpful to moving to detachment.

Knowing the difference between a feeling, thought and a behaviour is a tool in your toolkit. To a large extent we assume we know and in my case it was a bad assumption. I had to learn, oh yes that's fear, oh dear that's disgust. In my case disgust turned inwards which created shame leading to a belief that I deserved how I was treated followed by behaviour of not enforcing boundaries.

Emotions are feelings turned one way or another, inwards or outwards. Feelings with direction.

Once you observe feelings then they cease to drive you, they become like flotsam on a river flowing by that you can observe. You will always feel your feelings, they are yours, no one has the right to deny your feelings. No one can ever deny your feelings nor should you , acknowledge them and know they need not cause you to break. Authenticity is knowing your feelings and appropriately expressing them, such as I am angry right now, I am disgusted with myself for that behaviour, I am so very happy you visited, that took me by surprise, I am sad the cat died etc. In your case I am afraid of loss, afraid I am .........

In case you wondered love is a choice of behaviour.

Know that sometimes the hormones that drive the feelings (sliders on our disco kit) flood us and overwhelm us. The term for that is flooding and it takes about 10 mins to calm down, 20 if it's fear, adrenalin is more long lasting. It will make you think you are going to break down. You won't of course, these hormones are in the body all the time.

What you are feeling is causing body sensations of breaking down. They are just sensations and they will pass. I know this.

That is different from sadness which over a long period can create depression which is helped by time and professional treatment.

There is good news! Fear even the most frightening types which give panic attacks are the most well researched of all emotions and there is plenty of help.

I hope this is of assistance to you and that the tool of self soothing will move you to release the overwhelm.

This is absolutely totally and utterly normal and completely ok. It is designed to be this way so bring it on. It's part of your healing and how it should be. Strikes me your base emotion is fear and now you know you can never not know.

Expect with realisation, great calmness and peace. Knowledge is power and it need never be this bad again.

Treat yourself kindly and with compassion,

V