CBT, thanks. I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about the contact stuff.
Speaking of that, today has been weird. W requested info re finances, so I sent her an email about that. She didn't balk at it, and said she'd be able to pay car insurance sooner rather than later. Then asked if bringing him home around 5 would be ok, and I said fine. FF to this afternoon. Because I was putting out a fire at work from lunch until I left around 4:30, I had to let W know I'd be home later. She said ok and didn't really have a problem with it.
She brought him home about 15 minutes after I got home. SHE was the awkward one. I just kept doing what I was doing, but looked at her and listened when she talked about the comments from S teacher. She would start to say something of a personal nature and stop short (Mommy will pick you up tomorrow, but late because.....and stopped). She colored her hair again (a different color), but I didn't comment. She was also wearing new workout pants. Lots of buying! She stayed about 5 minutes, and wouldn't exactly look at me.
All in all, I'm doing well. I didn't really feel pangs to chat, and when S came home he ran to me and gave me a bear hug! I was happy about that. She got a little jealous and tried to get S to say I love you to her a few extra times. She's never been that way before. I haven't seen her in what seems like weeks, and I don't miss her too much. Her communication is much less formal in nature than it has been, but I think she's getting a little presumptuous and if it continues I'm going to have to make a comment. I wanted to know what she did this weekend, because she never actually asked me to keep S and hasn't had him but for a couple days over the past 10 or so. But I refrained. We had fun, and that's what's important.
As for Facebook, she's cut me to about 10%. I can only see the posts I've made, so nothing there really. She has access to my feed, but if I do the "needing space" thing I'll cut that too.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
It does not matter what she did this weekend and her Facebook does not need checking. FB drove me insane for a long time. The fact that a WW blocks you means she wants her space, she may be flirting w/ old boyfriends or new men, and that she is a teenage child. Unfortunately, my WW chose a complete dumb arse for an AP and his FB was wide open to the world, his Instagram too. Idiot. I would be lying if I said I did not still the pull to look, but it helps nothing. Asking about and knowing what she did this weekend does nothing. I admit, not sure if you are thinking this, but I viewed as looking for fuel to build a fire in myself to find the edge to say the hell with it. But that's not really what I want. I want to be a better me, and I feel you do too RSG. Number 10'and number 16 of the 37 rules my friend, don't spy and ask them nothing. You got this buddy.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
I said I'm talking to my therapist about the space thing. I'm seeing her tomorrow. I pay her to talk about this stuff, and would like to go into more detail with her.
As for facebook, I couldn't glean any info if I wanted ha! I haven't asked her what she's doing in ages. I don't view it as "space" as much as I do secrecy, or being inappropriate. Regardless, I'm more into spending time with my boy and enjoying being his favorite person. I love his bear hugs, his silliness, his smile, happy attitude and love. He truly is my inspiration, and my greatest therapy.
I'm working on my anger and getting on the road to forgiving his Mom. It's the #1 reason I chose therapy.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I said I'm talking to my therapist about the space thing. I'm seeing her tomorrow. I pay her to talk about this stuff, and would like to go into more detail with her.
As for facebook, I couldn't glean any info if I wanted ha! I haven't asked her what she's doing in ages. I don't view it as "space" as much as I do secrecy, or being inappropriate. Regardless, I'm more into spending time with my boy and enjoying being his favorite person. I love his bear hugs, his silliness, his smile, happy attitude and love. He truly is my inspiration, and my greatest therapy.
I'm working on my anger and getting on the road to forgiving his Mom. It's the #1 reason I chose therapy.
A+ brother, my apologies if I took things the wrong way. Anger was reason to begin therapy as well FWIW.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Regardless, I'm more into spending time with my boy and enjoying being his favorite person. I love his bear hugs, his silliness, his smile, happy attitude and love. He truly is my inspiration, and my greatest therapy!
Well said RSG. You are 100% on the right path. Be proud of yourself bud!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Regardless, I'm more into spending time with my boy and enjoying being his favorite person. I love his bear hugs, his silliness, his smile, happy attitude and love. He truly is my inspiration, and my greatest therapy!
Well said RSG. You are 100% on the right path. Be proud of yourself bud!
I'm definitely proud of that. Those hugs make my heart happy!
So, great day with my therapist today. I really like her, she really allows me to open up. Main topics today were space and communication but there was a lot under those umbrellas. She agreed that, based on what I explained about how she likes to use S as an excuse to check up on me or try to get info on me, that cutting things down would be a good idea.
She asked me what I wanted out of cutting communication. It took me a minute, because I really wasn't sure. But, I was able to answer that it was not only for me to live as a single dad, but also as a way for her to have to make her own decisions. To see if she can handle being on her own w/o knowing that I'll be there to help her deal with a minor incident re S (he hit a teacher today, but it's not as bad as it sounds. W told me the situation, and he does the same to me and presumably her. W can handle, but still defers to me). She asked what I would be like if we D, and I said I'd only communicate re major incidents re S, scheduling info and any money stuff. Any friendship would have to develop over years. It boiled down to, communication should match our situation. I feel taken advantage of sometimes, as she still does the "I'll talk to his Father(my Husband)" and won't handle things on her own.
I also noted that I'm monitoring communication, as I can feel a little uptick in smarmyness but it's not disrespectful yet. She still says please, thank you, I'm sorry, etc. C was impressed that I was able to recognize these things, also that I'm able to observe W a good bit but just file it away. It's been odd, but lately she'll be about to say something personal re life or work and will stop midway and say "nevermind." I don't take the bait, but it's weird. C asked what I thought about this, and I wasn't sure. Trying to get me to ask about stuff, to show I'm still interested in her life? Mentioned I didn't think about this much, but she wanted to try to know a little more about our dynamic.
One thing I mentioned to her was what I read today. That things like her email re S the other day sharing her worries (cut his nails, more showers, etc) are a reaction to her losing control as a parent. That she used to be his #1, but now she sees him run to me on sight. And that loss of control hurts, so she tries to regain it via me. (If she tells me what to do, even if S comes to me, he'll be doing so because I'm doing what she told me. Yeah, real headshrinker stuff lol) C agreed, and said it's a natural reaction.
C noted that the reading and this site have really helped me, and I cannot agree more. She thinks I'm doing well and that I've learned a lot. I really like talking with her. I went the whole time, and when she said "times up" I could've gone another hour easy! I'm going to try to write an email that explains how I feel about communication, that it should match our status as Separated. That, first and foremost, I should compose it focusing on ME and how I feel and to try not to use YOU at all. I feel this would be best for me, as a face to face would probably make W so distraught that I wouldn't even be able to finish before she accused me of punishment, keeping her from S, etc etc.
A good session. This is really invaluable for me!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
I am happy to hear your IC session went well. It is difficult to get over that hump where you realize that you need to only focus on you and your S3. The WAS does start to act different and will try different tactics to get you to react the same way you used to in order to justify her poor actions and behavior.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
So, first things first. Today was supposed to be anniversary #4. Sigh. No mention of course, just an ironic observation.
This AM, she texts me about his dropoff and what he ate for breakfast. I didn't answer.
Just as I'm about to leave work, she sends me a text saying now she wants to pick up S from school Fri. This is the 3rd change in scheduling this week. Just for Fri. I say ok, that's fine and ask if her schedule is set for next week. She then sends me 6 texts I skim over, and asks to call. I called her to figure out if there is something set, because I'm sick of the adjustments. She answers "WHAT?" and I'm turned off immediately. She says she's writing some email, and talks about her schedule for next week but then wants to adjust it in the future because she's figured out she'd only be able to see him weekends. This may be good for me, as I could schedule my counseling and I also have Round Table meetings I go to on the first Thursday of every month for our local Civil War Round table. She says I have to go, and I say ok bye.
I'm going to draft an email tonight that touches on communication and how I feel it is currently too invasive, and doesn't reflect our status as Separated. My therapist said she'd look it over, but I'd also like Sandi or Wonka to take a look if available. I feel like she takes advantage of me, in asking unnecessary questions about S, depends on me for most if not all answers and uses him as an excuse to talk to me and shift the conversation elsewhere. SOME of it is legitimate worry, and her normal Mom behavior, but that's not really my problem.
I also don't appreciate snarkyness, and the scheduling has got to be consistent. It's so annoying to go from A to B to C. I may just have to make up something, and say I already have plans so she'll be stuck with something. Flying by the seat of your pants and expecting me to change willy nilly is unacceptable.
Anyway, any thoughts on the email?
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
What is your goal in emailing to W? What do you hope to achieve here? I would want to take another look at the tone and approach contained in the email message. If you were in her shoes, how would you receive it? What would be your initial reaction in reading that first draft?
Take a really objective look at it and see if that will bring you closer to your goal here?
I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts and analysis on the above questions.
