10 Years Later - From a DB'er

[DonH]

Thanks for the responses so far! I am already wishing I would have come back here sooner - and honestly I'm smarter than not figuring it out sooner. But, I did now, so again thank you and please keep it coming. I'm also posting on a few other threads.

So, let me hopefully help some of you to help me with a bit more information and to try to answer some of what's been said so far. I'll give you a dozen:

1. Yes, I glossed over it but I should really be boasting a bit more about the opiate addiction. The odds were totally against me in that as nearly 90% relapse within the first year. That really is the stats. It's crazy. Thankfully, I've never had drug issues of any kind prior to this, rarely drank, never even tried a single cigarette let alone pot or more. Had I not had adult tonsil surgery and then later kidney stones, I have no doubt I'd never have had this happen. It was just the luck of the draw and I have the disease. Thankfully, I continue to see great success keeping it at bay. Thing is, how many women shy away because of this history????

2. That success also goes with my life. In all I really have had great success and a great life. Relationships are one of my few true fails. In some ways my life success makes me a great catch. I'm well educated, rather smart, own my own business, private pilot, set for life financially, semi-retired since 48 - I work about 30 hours a week by choice but could drop that to 10 hours a week for years if I wanted to, say, travel with the right person. No debt, and, well, financially set for life. So many friends say what a catch I am. Um, okay, so what's the problem - I intimate women away?

3. I'm rather picky. I won't settle. That's both good and bad. Just in general, I'm not good at meeting people. I'm both extroverted and introverted. I have done and still do a little radio. You'd never guess the outgoing guy on the radio is me in person. I'm also in multiple bands performing about 90 gigs a year on stage in front of as few as 50 and as many as 2,500 people. Still, I'm not a people person. I am not good at small talk with people I don't find interesting. That amounts to about 50%. Sadly it does - 50% of people I'd rather get a root canal than have a conversation with. Another 40% I don't mind doing things with and would consider friendly. It's only about 10% I truly connect with. This is in both just friends and romantic interests. So put together picky, won't settle, only really connect with 10% and the pool gets smaller. The thing is, at least in dating, I've been giving many a chance. I don't make a quick impression and even if I think they are likely not for me, I am still willing to find out. It's only in going on a couple dates that you can even tell enough. I give anyone I have a mild attraction to a chance. Sadly, most women don't seem to want to do that - they seem to want their soul mate and fall in love at first sight.

4. I meet a fair number of women. The ones I am often attracted to are already taken - either married or in a R. Many others, as I said above, don't appear to even want to be. It's interesting how I'm finding ladies here that could be exactly what I'm running into. I really hope to hear from them to help me better understand. I won't judge you - I really won't. I just want to understand.

5. Funny how "it only takes one" is actually very true. Thing is, I had said that... I had said "I just want to go on just one really good date," thinking I'd be happier then. Well I did, but like potato chips - or Oxycontin for that matter - one is never enough. I then really wanted more. After the last R three years ago, I really missed it later. I really, really miss having someone to call and tell something great (or really shitty) happened to me. I beyond miss hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc.

6. For many years I really was in the "it will happen when it happens" mode. I really was. Then I hit 50 and now 53 and I look back at how much time is lost that I can never get back! I could die in two years (let's certainly hope not) but if that happens I'll have had a really shitty past 3 years hoping for something to happen. It was much easier when I didn't care and didn't try.

7. This is new for me. I was never a "ladies man" that had flocks of women after me. However, I would have never imagined that I'd go through a period this long. I have to believe this has gotten way harder and way less fun. I used to LOVE dating. Not anymore.

8. What really has me at a loss is how many I meet, as I said above, who don't want a guy and seem very scared. I guess it's better that it's not me they are rejecting - it's any guy. But still, the ones who will take anyone are not the ones I want. I know people that go from R to R to R even year long relationships yet can't be alone for a couple months. Others wrap their lives around their kids - often now in college or animals. One lady who tried to set me up with her daughter, it quickly became clear I have 2 too many legs. Her son is 25 and lives in another state. She has friends, 3 dogs, and has not gone on a date in many years.

9. I could care less about my ex. I've not spoken with her in at least 5 years. For all I know she could have filed for divorce again - I don't think so but I can't be sure. Still, the little bit I do think of it, it's really not fair how she derailed and robbed at least "that part" of my life and then beats the odds herself. It just makes it harder to have both heard for 10 years now "You'll meet someone when you least expect it, it will happen sooner than you think." And "the R with you ExW will not last." Sorry folks but wrong on both accounts - I've been alone for 10 years and she's is still married. So much for stats.

10. As for me, yes I did the getting back to my best self. I've always been in pretty good shape. I look at least 10 years younger than my age. Weight the same as I did in high school. Have updated my wardrobe, got my smile fixed, try to flirt or at least engage at every chance. Perhaps too much that I'm scaring them off? Still, I've done all of that. I've read and read and watched videos about dating, what to do, what not to do - so much that I spot bad daters a mile off.

11. Perhaps most frustrating is so many women just don't know what they want. My last three dates were not from online. The last one was a mutual friend. She's the one that says she wants to go out again but clearly her actions are not matching her statements. Yes, she's busy, yes she travels for work but c'mon if she wanted to get together since we went out June 8, she could have done it. Yes, she and they likely are doing me a favor but to what end? Why even bother with the first date then? And if you're not interested, just say so for crying out loud!

12. And to end in this even dozen, perhaps worse of all, I really don't want to get married again. I just don't. The stats and life are just against it all. I would most certainly be in a LT committed relationship, even under the same roof. Actually, the mutual friend that introduced that last lady has done that for over 20 years and is still extremely happy. I just don't want to head to marriage and could very well be love avoidant in some respects. Thing is, I've not even gotten past a third or fourth date in three years so it has not been an issue. My point is, finding someone may not even be the problem - not running from or spoiling it may eventually be. Still, I will address that should it even happen.

Yeah, I'm not an easy case and I know it. Still, I have got to try something as just sitting waiting has turned weeks into months and months into years. I never would have thought I'd be here 10 years later. The really sad part is, everything else is in place. I just want someone to share it with!

Hope that helps everyone get to know me a bit more. Again, I don't want to minimize how thankful I am to everyone who has responded so far. As you can see in my stats, I was really involved here 10 years ago and got a lot out of it. In fact I still use many DB teachings and share them with my friends. I use them often in business. I know I'll use them should I meet someone. Hopefully at least I can pull out of this slump - with some help. So thanks again for all of your comments and those that are still yet to come!