Something big happened last night, I think.

[eyesopened]

Hi LoneStarFree
No, I don't consider myself to be tough. I am, however, pragmatic and realistic. Also, I'm a probable walkaway wife not because I hate my husband or want to punish him but because I don't want to live in this emotional pain anymore and don't see any permanent changes on his part. If things turned around to the point that I could start trusting my husband again and believe that his changes are permanent rather than temporary, I'd definitely stay. I love him, but I no longer can live with his demons (BTW, that's a good description you gave).

When I say you sound like my husband, I'm not insulting you. I love my husband very much. Until I met him, I wasn't even interested in marrying (I saw very few good marriages). I mean it when I say that he's a wonderful man in many ways, but perhaps you describe his problems very well as demons. He hates his angry outbursts and their effects on me and our kids, and he's truly struggled with this problem and gone into counseling (this from a man who once said that counseling's for wimps). When I read the book, Anger Busting 101 (which I can't get him to read), it seemed to describe his problem better than any of the other books did. His anger and rage is like an addiction like alcoholism. Like an alcoholic who needs to abstain from alcohol, my husband needs to completely abstain from certain angry behaviors.

Ironically, my husband's father and probably his mother were alcoholic. As a result, he chooses not to drink out of love for us except for an occasional glass of wine or beer when we eat out (he likes the taste). Unfortunately, he doesn't see his anger problems in the same way. When things get to the point that I withdraw or leave or threaten to leave, he makes drastic changes. Instead of seeing this as an ongoing problem like alcoholism, he treats this as a series of crises. Once the crisis is averted, things go back to the way they were for the most part. Even though he may not be physically or verbally abusive, we often end up walking on eggshells to avoid his outbursts (I read your earlier posts, and your description about how you previously would have blown up and sworn about spilled milk sounds all too familiar). I'm not afraid of him, but it's hard to trust and respect him, and I most definitely do not feel loved and cherished by him. Also, I used to become very irritated and angry at how manipulative (not maliciously) he could be to ease his pain when I withdrew after one of his outbursts. For example, he'd sometimes go into a martyr mode saying how worthless he was and would "threaten" to kill himself so we'd all be "better off". I would have had much more respect and admiration for him if he'd handled this like he does problems at work and the way he'd been trained to do as a military academy graduate, if he'd simply accepted and stated that there was no excuse for his behavior and then set about making sure it never happened again rather than manipulating me into having to make him feel better.

In an earlier post, you asked for some input from women. While it would be a big mistake to assume that all women think and feel the same and that my thoughts and feelings match your wife's, I'm willing to answer questions you have about the effect my husband's behavior had on me and the actions he took or could take that would help us and those that would harm us.

For example, my husband seemed to think that if we could only make love after an outburst, everything would be fine. The mere fact that he was aroused sexually by me meant nothing as long as I felt unloved and unsafe. And, in time, I used sex as a pacifier. My husband is a great lover and very considerate in bed. He truly gives as good as he gets. He'd never force himself on me, and he always respected my "no". But, after nights of being "poked" while he was hugging me and trying to reconnect after an outburst, I found it easier to just give in. The problem is that I felt resentful and used while he felt that we'd reconnected and everything was fine again.

You've mentioned several times that you're a Christian. I am, too. In fact, one of the good things that came out of my marital problems is that I became a Christian after years of atheism or agnosticism. As unhappy as I was, I had to wrestle with whether life had any true meaning and why I chose to stay in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage out of love for my kids rather than to leave them and "eat, drink, and be merry" if there was no ultimate meaning. My turning point came when I sat sobbing on the bathroom floor wishing that I'd never been born because life either was ultimately meaningless but I couldn't bring myself to abandon my kids and "go for the gusto" or there was some type of judgment after this life in which case I was screwed. It wasn't until my heart was broken that I could let God into it and see that the gospel was indeed good news. The words from Amazing Grace about once being lost but now found and once being blind but now seeing describe what happened to me.

Anyway, as a Christian, you're probably aware of Paul's words about a thorn in his side that he prayed to be removed. It wasn't, though, and he had to accept that. I think that perhaps your and my husband's anger may be the thorns in your sides. Perhaps God may miraculously heal you or him; on the other hand, he may choose to leave that thorn there for the rest of your earthly lives.

Have you seen the Lord of the Rings movies (my sons' favorites). If so, you'll recall that Frodo was chosen to carry the ring. It wasn't his choice, it was something that came to him unwanted. Perhaps it may help to think of your anger as being similar to that ring. It's a heavy burden and only you can carry it. You'll have to fight against its power throughout this journey of life. You didn't ask for this burden or choose it, it was given to you. Others can help strengthen you but only you can actually carry this burden. If you don't bear this burden and don't fight against its power, those around you who you love (your wife and children) will suffer. Right now, you may be at the stage Frodo was at when he was at Rivendell. It seemed like the end of his journey, but was, in fact, only the beginning. And, there will be many times when you'll be tempted to give up because of the pain and exhaustion you feel.

One other way in which you sound like my husband is that he, too, was more inclined to verbal abuse rather than physical violence. I think he takes pride in the fact that he never hit me like his dad used to do to his wife and kids. Yet, the verbal abuse seemed to do far more damage than the few incidents of physical violence (mostly smashing furniture, pushing, shoving, grabbing, etc.) Please don't ever think that verbal abuse doesn't leave deep wounds and scars. It does, and it's that verbal abuse that I'm constantly praying for help to forgive.

I don't know a good analogy except to say that I could have accepted unfaithfulness from my husband (we'd both had other lovers before marriage but have been faithful to each other in our marriage). He's always traveled a lot, and when he was in the Air Force, he was often TDY. He's a good looking man who's kind and fun to be with, and almost every woman who's worked for him has told me how lucky I am to be married to him. If he'd given into temptation and had a one-night stand, I'd been hurt and angry but wouldn't interpret that as having the intent to hurt me. But, there's no getting around the fact that when he's verbally abusive, he knows he's hurting me and his words are meant to hurt me. I once told him that he'd promised to love, honor, and cherish me; but he'd hurt me more than anybody else in my life (including a relative who molested me when I was a little girl). Yet, he tells me that he loves me more than he's ever loved anybody else.

I've had enough experience with men to know that there are times when sex is just sex to them, that it's just a physical thing. But, because sex for most women has an emotional component, my husband would have been deeply hurt and probably devastated if I'd had an affair or been sexually involved with other men during our marriage. It wouldn't have made any difference to him if I'd argued, for example, that I didn't have intercourse, but only kissed and gave and/or received oral sex (I'm trying to draw an analogy here to show that verbal abuse hurts as much as physical abuse).

If you're like my husband, you're probably feeling a lot of pain right now and will do almost anything to make that go away. But, even if your wife warms up to you again and makes love with you, there will be an underlying problem with trust for a very long time. If you ignore it, it will fester instead of going away. My experience is that a breach of trust can't be healed by simple apology. It can be healed but will take a lot of work on your part, and I admire the steps you've taken so far. Please give her time and prove to her and your daughters that you are the man you want to be, the one who will protect and love them no matter what. Also, she's going to be pressured by a lot of well-meaning friends and family members to leave you. On the other hand, you've got several factors in your favor--you're still living with her (and I agree with the posters who say you shouldn't move out except I'd say that if you feel your anger might endanger your wife or daughters, you should temporarily leave) and you have children together. I suspect that if your wife was asked to make a list of the qualities she likes and dislikes about you, she'd be able to make a long, long list of those that she likes whereas the list of dislikes would be quite short.

BTW, be careful with the Xanax. I've taken it in the past (marital problems led to anxiety and depression), and it can easily become habit-forming.