Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 2)

[JRuss]

ForGump -- thanks for this.

Re the "date", yeah, I think you're onto something. Not something "good" from either of our perspectives as guys trying to save our marriages, but an insight into the wayward's thinking. It's depressingly consistent with a W who wants to get to a greener pasture eventually, at least gives lip service to wanting what's best for the kids (newsflash, Lady -- it ISN'T divorce) and sees no reason for things not to be cordial since, in her mind, she'll one day be the best, nicest co-parent of alltimes with the great but unexciting guy she mistakenly married years before. Sigh.

Like your W, mine seems to have identified a lack of "excitement" as a justification for wanting the D. With 20 years of shared experiences, parenting duties, careers that can be a slog in the best of times, well, no $%^* things can be a little unexciting. I told her once, and I believe that, attraction at our stage takes work to maintain. It takes noting the partner's full suite of qualities, mentally choosing not to focus unduly on ones that aren't attractive (and we all have those) and choosing instead to focus on those that are (and we all have those). At least that's what I've always tried to do with her. There is plenty about her that, had I focused on it, would have driven me out of our marriage. If you tend to assign not that much admiration to loyalty and fortitude, for example, and really value newness and excitement, as our Ws apparently do, it makes it hard for us to make any headway, doesn't it? GALing and 180s seem indicated, but mine haven't had much observable success.

I do take pride (hopefully only to an appropriate level) in getting off the mat 2+ years ago. I knew nothing about DB, and may very well have killed any chance at reconciliation because I did it all wrong in terms of pursuit, but I've been GALing for the entire 2+ years and feel pretty great these days, even when I'm completely crushed on the relationship level. There's intense sorrow caused by justifiably sad things -- and it's no fun, for sure -- and then there's depression, where you stop living in some ways, feel sad and you don't even know why. They are different, and I prefer the former. I'd like to have neither, though!

Agreed on the dimming maybe being the only real shot at upsetting the status quo, but how to bring it about? Our current reality is that we do a lot of shared parenting, shared chores, communicate a lot about those things . . . it's just the reality right now in terms of two people both working and trying to keep a house and the children going in the right direction. It puts me in the friend/roommate zone and, I think, keeps me there. I end up not detaching, because it feels for days at a time like it's all very close to swinging back to something good, but then I get Ms. Distancer (seeing it very clearly now for what it is and hoping it loses its power to impact me), and I realize more time's just slipped through my fingers without me doing anything to arrest the slide.

"The Clock" is a horrible thing. It is comforting knowing there are others who have similar sitches. Man I wish neither of us had to be here, though!