The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Here is my old thread, got asked to begin a new one...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1

I'm sure I will pick up where I left off at some point and begin sharing updates on my sitch again. Just a brief review for now. My signature sums up the quick details. To summarize thus far: like many of you, I share a similar story... WW, young child, separated, WW in an A, two BD's,got tired of the lies, trying my best each day to balance and be the best in me. I found out in early July WW had not ended the A (as I was led to think), I joined this site, I read the DR/DB books, I began to DIM, I realized that WW lying about the A was one of my boundaries, I realized my WW is very symptomatic of MLC, I did a 2nd BD,took 3 days after 2nd BD and WW called me crying/apologizing, I finally wrote down my goals (after prompting from a number of you), I am getting pulse checks regularly, Here I am.

I called this thread the "Fight for Self" for two reasons: 1. So many of you have supported me in my efforts and generally offered accolades for my GAL's (not always for my techniques on the 180, which I understand the 2x4's are swung with loving kindness). 2. From all of my reading and introspection, I have come to believe that all of this work we do here - at it's core - is truly a fight for the self. This is our journey. We may support one another here, may get support from others, may report to an IC, etc, but what it comes down to is that everything about MWD's message and almost any readings you will find, is that this is the hardest issue we will ever face and that it is a choice we make for ourselves. However, if we choose the fight for self and really fight, we will find that no matter what happens, we will come out better, stronger, and with more to offer this world and others than we ever realized was possible. IMO, you newbies (I am still new, but something changed in my confused messy head) would do well to understand that sooner than later.

Allow me to be clear, and my S w/ my WW aside, I am in a better place for myself, right now. This does not mean I am in a good place, nor does it mean I won't backslide, get angry again, etc., etc. No, it means what it says, I am in a significantly better place. If it helps anyone, some of what I did to get here was instinctual and some of it was through education. Here are what I think the most helpful points of my journey thus far have been (all part of GAL and healing - some of this is a repeat to what you may know):

What I had to Accept:
- I cannot control my WW's actions, only my own
- My WW is not my W, my WW is confused, selfish, and hurting right now - this is not dissimilar to drug addict behavior or adolescence. Accepting this is not accepting WW's actions, but accepting that I now understand what is happening.
- My WW is in a PA or was or whatever. This involves someone else having sx w/ her. Adults have sx and this is not my problem, my primary problem was the lies. It took some time to realize that. I had to accept it was on me to stop envisioning things beyond my control.
- I to acknowledge the part I played in neglecting my M. I was a contributor, but not the cause.
- I had to change my strategy because to old ones were not getting me anywhere.
- Emotions go through stages, mine & hers. These stages are natural.
- I had to envision a different future which may not include my W as my W.
- I had to accept that it was not just WW who needed space, I did too. This is something I can control.

What I did to begin healing:
- Accept the above
- I had to get educated about everything I could stand regarding my sitch, self-improvement, MLC, A's, modern marriage, you name it. Get educated.
- Not only establish my boundaries, but enforce them once I did.
- Acknowledge what was needed to be worked on inside myself.
- Stop worrying what my WW was doing and focus on myself
- Not just think of goals/strategies/indicators, but actually write them down along with an action plan and then work the plan
- Make a definitive distinction that if I go down this road it is for me and for me alone.
- Make a decision that I will do my very best to not become angry at things beyond my control, the past or the present.
- I had to forgive myself for past actions, recent or otherwise.
- I had to begin the path to forgive my WW, even when this felt like the most difficult thing in the world. I refuse to go through life angry at what happened and the only way to avoid that is through forgiveness.
- I had to seek professional IC for my own matters.
- I had to become the person I always wanted to be and somehow quit trying to be. I had to regain a vision of myself, regain a personal mission, and I had to do this all for me.
- I made a decision to view my sitch as a gift, not one that was welcome, but one that was needed. The gift being, I could have chosen violence, I could have chosen passivity, I could have chosen to remain as I was; instead, I have chosen to improve the self, and this has made all the difference in the world.
- I had to GAL.

How I GAL:
- I sought a support group, I landed here and am happy about that.
- I focus upon being a better father to my S4 and truly accepting/enjoying the time I have with him.
- I exercise 6 days a week and use different approaches. I am still at the point where doing this exhausts my body so that it does not matter where my mind is,i.e create a reason to sleep.
- I eat better and learn about that.
- I attend IC meetings 3x a month.
- I try to be present at work (yeah, this slips sometimes) and do the best I can each day.
- I began writing semi-professionally again.
- I do volunteer work.
- I took up a new hobby that is positive (learning how to rock climb).
- I keep a journal
- I play my instruments (guitar/bass)
- I dress better and take care of my appearance (you'd be surprised how much you let yourself go during the M)
- I walk my dog
- I challenge myself to meet new people, project a positive attitude, and to welcome conversations as opposed to avoiding them.

So the above are what I have done/am doing. Not sure if it helps, not sure if it is 100% copacetic with the program, but it works for me. I am sure I left some things out - I was trying to empty my head as best I could. Maybe reading this could help a newbie or someone who has been here for a bit. Maybe it was just cathartic for me to write (as most of what I write here is). Anyway, thanks for the support thus far and...I'm still in the fight - and the fight is for me to be a better me.