Number one, I'd recommend holding off on dating. This isn't DB advice, it's just my own. I'm sure you've heard me talk of the 1 year rule, waiting 1 year from when the divorce is final. Not separation, not move out date, not bomb drop...the actual legal process being done. It takes way longer than people think to be really ready.
The problem is that when you're hurting it makes other people artificially attractive. If they make you feel less pain you think you like THEM, when really you're linking them to the relief from the hurt. But when you heal you no longer need them to medicate, and you start to see them for who they are, not how they help your mood. At which point you hurt someone else, hurt yourself by reliving all the suppressed pain and the new loss, or worse find yourself stuck in a long term committed relationship that will ultimately be unfulfilling and leave you lonely and regretful for the rest of your days. Contrast that with holding off until you're healthy and ready to make good decisions. What's the rush? I never understood this.
As for being exhausted and the choice between happiness and misery, I often think people misunderstand this. I just posted this on Cherry's thread:
Quote:
My only advise to you is not to be too hard on yourself for feeling overwhelmed or sad. That is a human response to a horrible situation. I know we try to detach and get off the roller coaster a bit, and I certainly agree with that goal. But don't think there is some DB secret that will prevent you from feeling hit by a truck a lot of the time. Pain is pain. If you burn your hand on a stove you're going to hurt, your pain isn't an indication that you are doing something wrong in terms of failing to detach from your hand. It's just going to hurt. Please give yourself permission to hurt.
I'm not saying to dwell on it, or not to detach. But in a new age world in which people act like there's a flippant fix for whatever problems there are, and people give advise like 'you don't need a jerk like that', it can deprive us of our need to grieve. By all means, go ahead and grieve. Whatever pain, anger, or depression waves over you this is a safe place. It's not dwelling on it. It's dealing with the reality that you are in the middle of. If you start becoming a clinging victim we'll let you know, but I am more concerned that you'll think something is wrong with you for feeling bottomed out a lot of the time.
Again, I think people on these forums hide from their pain and medicate using new relationships too much, thinking they are 'choosing to be happy'. I say 'choose to grieve and accept your loss'. It should be a balance, allowing yourself to feel the pain, and being appreciative for the life you still have. If you allow both in your life, gradually the time you are hurting and the time you spend rehashing this in your mind will tip. In a year it will go from 50/50 to 80/20, then in another year 95/5. Or whatever. But we must go through this process. Trying to rush it will lead to problems.
Same goes for being exhausted, of course you are. You don't have a partner, have to handle more things than ever, have new things like legal process looming, have uncertainty and pain tiring you out, have to deal with an hour a day of racing thoughts of 'why' and 'how', etc. You will be exhausted. I was for sure, as you know if you followed my posts. This too shall pass.
Point is don't let the pain and fatigue influence your decisions. Just keep making good decisions based on your beliefs and you'll get somewhere you'll want to be before you know it. Until then I'm sorry you're here, it stinks, and we are all here for you to listen as much as you care to share.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
