Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 2)

[ForGump]

I was upbeat, positive, outwardly calm. Inside I was fairly confused and a little anxious throughout, honestly. ... If such a pleasant evening is possible, then why isn't she willing to work on our relationship?

Haven't had a 1-1 dinner date w/ my W but definitely have had very pleasant exchanges and have wondered the same. It's disorienting, like, "Wait, right now we're laughing and sharing life and enjoying each other's company and ... we're getting a divorce?"

But I try to think of it from her perspective and I think it makes sense. She would acknowledge that I am a decent guy, but she's made up her mind for now that in terms of the whole package, I'm the wrong guy. So in her mind, having a good exchange w/ me is overall consistent w/ her conclusion that I'm the wrong guy. Plus, she's feeling lots of guilt about divorcing me, so it probably soothes her guilt a bit to be nice to me.

My W's "core" issue is her unhappiness with her life and some of the choices she made that she's projected onto me.

I think my W's situation somewhat different. She is dissatisfied but it's not about rational choices she's made. I think the way her mind works ... it's very impulsive, and she craves emotional highs in a relationship. My IC thinks her emotional development might have stalled in the teenage phase.

I was a depressed guy after our S9 was born ... But I haven't been that guy for 2+ years now

I hope you take some pride in this. This is an awesome transformation, and should your marriage ultimately dissolve, it just makes you a better person for the next phase of your life. I think about all those middle-aged slugs around me who seem so dead and stuck in their lives, and ... well, their marriages seem solid, so I feel like life is just unfair. But I do feel good about who I've become, who I'm becoming....

She's very likely not going to have any sort of epiphany.

Maybe she will if you GAL and go dim, and force her to take a hard look at herself, rather than projecting her dissatisfaction onto you? I don't know. At least that is my hope for my situation ... my W seems dead set on her course ... and my only hope is some type of a wake-up-call, some unexpected epiphany. A really slim reed to hang my hopes on.

Still no idea how to detach.

I think if you merely act detached even if your emotions aren't completely detached, that's still progress. For one, it's about what your W sees -- and hopefully she sees some detachment -- and, I think acting a certain way helps you feel a certain way eventually. (The same type of advice that MWD gives to low-libido spouses about sex: that if you just do it, your emotions follow).

Sometimes I feel like there is a giant clock hovering over my life, inexorably ticking down, down, down, with 0:00 being the divorce.

I feel the same way every single FCKNG day. Just when I feel decent, I fear I'm just one day closer to the D being final, one day closer to having that big talk with our kids ... and how it's going to destroy me all over again.