Sunny, you're absolutely right. The only difference is that it didn't start with XW, it started with me. Again, I could point to my father, but we all have our childhoods, it's up to us how we handle ourselves as adults. But I know that I am so constantly hard on myself that I become very sensitive to criticism from others. Like I beat myself to the point where I am at death's door, then someone else comes along and taps me on the shoulder and I feel like I was hit with a baseball bat. Or, as in this case, I assume someone is being critical because I hear that voice in my own head so loudly that it drowns out what someone was saying. And my struggle to affirm myself leads me to seek out affirmation elsewhere which can lead to expectation, then disappointment, then resentment, and finally withdrawal.
Ginger, forgive me for doubting your tone. As I said, I know you well enough it didn't fit that you would be anything other than kind and compassionate. While the internet is prone to misunderstandings as I too can be at times, it's nice to have a nice bank of goodwill banked to help through the confusion.
This isn't black and white. I have been doing much better. But I do believe this is the core of my sensitivity, my need to protect myself, and all of that. But I distance myself from myself, so I will have to continue to journey on at understanding how I can manage this cycle. I don't know if it will ever go away, but I can manage it better so I am more open to the goodness around me, and it doesn't interfere with my relationships (or pass on to my kids!). As part of this process of being easier on myself I will give a rueful grin at my misunderstandings and call it a day.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
