Newbie - my story

[MoveFrwd]

And I didn't want to give her a "real" reason. It isn't even a real reason but to her, in the state she's in now, it would have been.

This sounds like a pretty weak rationalization to me.

What I read you saying is:
"W has said why she wants to D. I dont believe that applies, so Ill do anything else she asks of me to prove Im the best option."

I hate to say it, but that really isnt going to work. Think of it this way:
Your wife is sleeping with someone else and you just paid her XYZ bill. What is her incentive to want to change anything? She gets everything that she wants! That doesnt show you are the better option...it shows you are willing to give her anything she wants regardless of what she does. It's like giving a kid a candy bar in an attempt to have it stop acting up at a store. You are rewarding bad behavior!

You cant approach this like you need to appease her at every turn. You seem to equate her getting angry with things being worse for your chances at reconciling. I dont think thats the case. I think you need to figure out how to earn her respect back first. And paying her bills while shes having an affair is not the way to go about it.

[maybs]

Oh yeah, every person tells me she told them something different and the things she's told me about "why" change all the time.

95% of the reasons she's giving aren't even real reasons, they're just things she's made up to make herself feel better. To justify leaving.

I accept my portion of the blame and understand and recognize the things that I should/could have been doing to be a better wife. But I can't change the past so I'm just going to be better about that in the future, whether with W or someone else down the line.

Gotta keep working on being the best version of myself and it will all work out the way that it is supposed to.

Stay positive!

[maybs]

Darkness, you're right. She just already blames me for so much that isn't my fault I don't want to give her more reasons to hate and blame me. My goal isn't to drive her farther and farther away from me.

I feel like no matter what I do I lose in this situation. I don't want to keep doing her crap for her but I don't want the wedge between us to get even bigger.

[MoveFrwd]

I understand that you dont want things to get "worse".

The thing is that things will probably need to get worse before anything can get better.

You see, if you give a misbehaving kid candy, he doesnt learn that it's wrong to misbehave. In fact, he learns that if he misbehaves, he gets rewarded! So, of course, he is going to continue to misbehave.

It works the same way with your W. If you always just try to avoid the storm, then theres no reason for her to change anything.

Is your goal to reconcile or to not make things worse? Do you think paying her bills brings you closer to reconciling?

[maybs]

I see your point. Next time I will stay strong and stick to my initial instinct which was to not pay them.

It's just hard to stick to it when it just makes me feel even worse than I already feel. But you're right, why would she change?

[maybs]

Okay so then the next time when I DO NOT pay her bills how do I respond to her anger? Because I'm sure there will be an angry phone call or text message of some sort when she realizes I didn't do it.

[MoveFrwd]

Okay so then the next time when I DO NOT pay her bills how do I respond to her anger? Because I'm sure there will be an angry phone call or text message of some sort when she realizes I didn't do it.

"I can understand why you might be angry, but I cannot continue to support your choices."

She made her own choices. It's time for her to wear her Big Girl Panties.

[maybs]

Perfect, I wrote that down and I will remember it for next time.

This DBing thing is hard...

On the plus side today I made a list of "hobbies" or activities that I've always wanted to try and never gotten around to doing and I'm going to start working on that next week when I'm back from my weekend out of town! I've even looked a few of them up for my area to find out what days/nights what is going on and am going to get a calendar after work so I can write them down and hold myself accountable for going!

I'm actually quite excited about this!

[hawker]

The DBing is hard but there is good advice here from the vets....that is a great idea of doing some new activities that you have put off...this time is for YOU!!

[maybs]

I read on another thread that someone phrased it as "you've been given the gift of time" or something along those lines and that really struck me.

Don't get me wrong I loved our crazy busy married life but that statement is exactly true. Now I have so much free time and so much ME time I might as well try anything and everything that I can. I might not have the opportunity in the future (which like I said I loved W and I's crazy busy life) but this is an opportunity for me and I don't feel like I should let it go just because I'm mad/sad/depressed/upset/etc etc about the situation. Sitting around feeling down about it isn't going to help and it isn't going to make me look or feel attractive so I might as well get out and start living!