Thank you Ginger, mustard seed, and Rouky. I reread each of your posts a few times.
It's been a long time since I posted. I've been in a bit of a slump. I used to read these forums religiously and recently I just feel so exhausted by it all. Like I don't have the energy to write (and then the times I tried it just froze up and I gave up )
The actual legal process is coming up and I have been procrastinating on making certain decisions. I realize this comes from a state of anxiety and fear and I feel paralyzed. I am having a hard time accomplishing things right now and I often feel like I'm just going through the motions. Work is structured and a distraction so I am fine. But bill paying, con ed courses, scheduling appointments, errands, is always a midnight hour task and Im struggling.
I go from states of intense anger to sadness and then to guilt that perhaps I have been villifying husband. I always fear not knowing my reality. I can't even look at my husband when we exchange son, I am just so hurt and betrayed and angry and having trouble coping with the abandonment and the way that he actually ended it.
I went on a super casual date ( ended in no more then hug and I split the cost) which was nice but I came home feeling very depressed and now feel guilty because another person is a bit too invested and I was not straight forward about my intentions. It's funny because I feared the similarities he shared with husband but did Not like the things that were different from husband. This one date served as a slap of reality though regarding how difficult it is to meet someone you clique with and then how once you do there's a good chance the relationship change anyway as you become less enamoured.
I am trying to remember that it is really my outlook on this whole situation and that I have the choice of wallowing in pain or being happy. Of course I choose to be happy but it's hard to be consistent like that on a day to day basis. The people that are capable of that are inspirational.
) 