Episode 3 - The Divorce Awakens

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qt

I know you have been going through a rough time with your sitch and then your health. I can not imagine the struggle mentally and emotionally you are trying to plow through as physically I was in great great condition and I know that aided in my mental recovery.
I sense in your postings a man that knows much more deep down in his heart about how to get through this and be strong about it. Your daily gratitude and other efforts in a tough situation show me that.
I also remember how just a short time ago I was in the emotional state that nothing positive seemed to stick no matter who said it. But deep down I knew they were right, but my mind would not accept it. But they were right.
Now I look back and want to smack myself in the head because I was so lost and for no reason. Well there was a reason but the affect mentally was unlike anything I ever experienced.
So I don't ramble on, my point is I can see that you are a good dude and you are in the LBS fog something thick.
Don't stop!
Don't ignore those that have gotten out of it and are calling out to assist you. Don't give into the despair. It is your mind trying to protect itself, but in reality it is causing more harm than needed.
Take control of those reigns from the autopilot mind and keep going.

Be kind to those sharing advice and 2x4's as you know they want to help. Arguing the advice does not help. They know the pain and work needed to clear the fog. They do not judge you nor look down on you. They were there just as you are. You don't have to accept not believe the advice,but I would challenge you try it out before making a conclusion. New header sitch is different, but there are many similarities and that is how we build up to a good place. Have you sought out success stories? I have and the success comes from many approaches, but similarities exsist as well. MWD has studied and compiled that info. M stated to have some ground work than none right? We gotta give our best effort from there.

Be well today my friend and may you feel some peace and calm.
I am here to support encourage and try to talk sense to you when needed. But it is your journey and you will decide how you proceed and what advice you will follow if any.

SH_

You've been so supportive of me and your words and your previous posts have been a huge source of wisdom.

I'm sorry I feel like I don't have enough patience for this, and my sickness (lack of sleep and meds etc) has not helped me stay in a right frame of mind. Yeah I think I've been living in the fog for a long time. And I am *so* grateful for everyone's support - please do not get me wrong - everyone on here, everyone in my life. I know you guys mean well and just want me to be happy. Whatever screwups I make are my fault. It's just that right now, it just seems like everyone's just throwing platitudes at me - time heals all wounds, you'll get through this, the kids will be fine (!!! - this one really gets me), whatever's meant to happen will happen - and I know these 'platitudes' are correct. Something in my heart just did not want to accept them.

I guess what I'm saying is that - I want to accept them now, and I want to accept the situation - I think I'm done worrying my SITCH to death and causing myself so much pain. I'm just not there yet. I will be sooner or later.

You say "I don't have the patience for this.

I'm having so much difficulty seeing what the other option is. Let's say you "give up " DB. What then?

[qt4x11]

I'm having so much difficulty seeing what the other option is. Let's say you "give up " DB. What then?

darknes-

I also wanted to thank you for supporting me and being there to talk me through my BS, I really appreciate everything.

I guess I'm not 'giving up' DB. I'm just 'giving up caring what happens next' - because I think I've reached the point where I've pretty much done everything to fix the problems that contributed to my marriage problems, and I've already tried to reach out and apologized for things I've done and tried to make them right. I feel like I'm at the point where there's nothing else for me to do or say. I'm planning to go 'minimal contact' from now on, only communication about the kids. And if she wants to move ahead with selling the house and fast tracking the D proceedings - I'm good with that, I won't stand in the way of that - because I've done everything I could do. At this point I'll be cordial and civil - but I will be interested in getting things done so I can move on with my life, instead of second guessing everything I say or do and worrying everything to death. It will be much less stressful and clear cut.

[qt4x11]

It has been a few days since I last posted. I have been getting back into dealing with my life after almost a month of being confined to bed, recovering from my surgery - in general it has been a good thing for me. I have been reporting to work since Tuesday, I’m still technically working from home but I’ve been going into the office voluntarily just to be around people again. It’s weird being back around coworkers after so many months away - my company are actually generally very sweet people, but even at my company I still feel the undercurrent of egotism, competition, and career anxiety underlying every social interaction. It is only normal I guess, I was able to deal with my work life much better a few months ago, when I had no personal problems and a lot of confidence in myself professionally.
I think my most immediate task is to get myself to a point where I am on top of things at work, and feeling very good about myself professionally. I am a month behind my current project, I spent the first couple of days just looking over updates to the code base. Today I got some stuff completed and checked into the repository I feel good that I’m showing up and putting forth effort at work, if I keep doing so it will help alleviate a lot of my stress in general.
Things have been moving with the divorce legal proceedings, I had a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday, which actually went pretty well. I’m satisfied with how we are planning to respond to several motions that have been filed to do things like - sell the house (no to this), and temporary spousal support (also no to this). My lawyer gave me some homework of gathering some financial information for a disclosure form we are filling out - I took care of this the next day. Again, I’m happy that I’m starting to deal with the day to day responsibilities of my life like work and the legal stuff going on with the divorce.
I have the kids from last night til Friday. Met my wife at a school fundraiser to pick them up. I was friendly, but sort of standoffish around her. Communications between my wife and I have improved a little the past couple of days - had a couple of longish texts and a call - and some face time at the fundraiser. I’m not reading too much into it. I had a talk with a close personal friend early this week that really helped me to gain some objectivity in my divorce situation. Basically I have come a long way in detaching, I have no expectations for whatever happens between us, and have close to no hope in reconciliation. It is just easier to deal with my wife this way, on top of the legal proceedings and all the stress of dealing with my every day life. I just tackle issues as they come in a businesslike fashion, there is no added layer of ‘how is this helping me to win back my ex?’ or ‘what can I do next to change her mind?’. It’s easier and less stressful to me just accepting the reality of the situation. Don’t get me wrong - it’s still the toughest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life and I still have to deal with a lot of sadness and guilt around the situation - but I’m in a better place right now.
Here is my attitude - I’ve said and done everything I can. I continue to work on improving myself as a man and working on my sobriety. She knows this. I’ve said sorry and even pleaded with her ‘please don’t break up my family’. There is nothing left for me to say or do, perseverating on ‘trying to convince her to change her mind’ is only causing me needless suffering and distracting me from the present moment. And there is a silver lining to my situation, if I choose to see it that way. I don’t have a family 50% of the time - I have the time to work on myself and develop my career and personal interests. I have freedom - I no longer have to answer to anyone else regarding decisions I make. And I am filled with so much emotional energy - pain, anxiety, guilt, regret, all of the emotions that swirl around inside of me all day - I can either let these emotions bury me, or I can use them as fuel to make positive changes in my life and become a better human being.
I picked up the kids, we went out to dinner, then back to their grandma’s house, spent time with their grandma, then I fell asleep snuggling them in bed while they watched youtube videos and played games on my phone. God bless them.
What else - I can’t exercise so I’ve just been doing a lot of walking, a lot of meditating, journaling and reading. I’ve also made it a priority to cultivate relationships with friends and family, and to develop new friendships and interests. I’m going to Lollapalooza this weekend with a big group of family and friends. I’m also going to a ‘foodie restaurant meet up’ this weekend with my friend J (mainly for the food, although I think J wants to scope out available women that might be in attendance). This is also kind of interesting - I joined a band. I don’t think I mentioned this - but I recorded an album and play a few musical instruments. I joined a band - sort of. I responded to a craigslist ad from a guy who was putting a band together - I sent him my album and some clips. We have our first ‘band practice’ next week. That’s pretty cool - I always felt sort of stifled in terms of my musical interests within my marriage - my wife always made me feel as if I was neglecting my family whenever I’d try to carve out time to pursue my musical interests.
I have been through the fire - in the past few months I’ve gone through a separation, recovered from major surgery etc. - and I’m still alive. And I feel like I’m starting to see things in a different way that will allow me to move forward in a more positive and productive way. It’s still summer, let’s just live and enjoy whatever good times we have while we can.

[Cld]

Good to hear that you are recovering, qt4.
I truly cannot grasp what women are thinking when they divorce good men like us, especially when small children are part of the picture. It looks like they don't understand the damage that they are doing to them, they are short sighted, they don't see the long term consequences to the children.
It will be interesting to see how we will be doing in a few years, if we are still alive.....

[qt4x11]

I talked to a friend over the weekend and he talked about when he split with his wife. He said the time when he split from his wife was some of the best times of his life. He dated a lot of women and just generally tried to focus on taking care of his kids, working on his business, and making himself happy. He said he talked to his dad about it and his dad told him - life’s too short. Go out and enjoy it, date other women, have fun, work on your career. My own father is dead - but now that I think about it - I think my dad would tell me exactly the same thing. That makes me feel better. Also he would say this about all of the fair weather friends and neighbors who seem to have taken my wife’s side without knowing the full story and my perspective on everything that happened - fvck them. All that matters is what you know to be true, so hold your head up and be sure of yourself.

Great time at Lollapalooza Friday night btw. Went with - brothers, cousins, sis in law, cousins wife, two other friends. Everyone drank (some also smoked) and enjoyed themselves like they were in their early 20s again. We saw Foals, M83 and Radiohead. The Radiohead concert was great - they played cool songs off all of their albums, although they have so many good songs it was really impossible for them to play all their good songs. We were really up close to the stage, but I think we might have been in a bad place in terms of the sound system, the mixing was really crappy. Otherwise, Lollapalooza was an epic party experience. It felt great to be out among young people, having fun and celebrating life. Later on, the party got kind of crazy - somehow I wound up at a strip club with my brother and two other buddies of ours (this was not my idea). I think they felt sorry for me, they kept buying me lap dances with this one Russian girl who everyone agreed was a dead ringer for Mila Kunis. What can I say, I had a lot to drink. In general I don’t go to strip clubs as I think they are degrading to women.

On Saturday, my buddy J. came downtown and we spent the day, as we usually do, walking around the city, stopping every now and then to have a drink at some random bar. We usually play this game where we try to talk to attractive women and/or strike up conversations with fun looking groups of people on the street. It was another great time. All in all I had a really fun weekend. I realize now as I’m writing this that I was having so much fun that I didn’t spend all that much time obsessing over and feeling miserable about my divorce situation, although I did have a few conversations about it with my friend T, my friend J, and my brother which helped me a lot to feel at least a little better about everything. Mostly, I was having too much fun to think of my miserable divorce situation.

I came home Saturday night, worn out from all the drinking and walking outside in the hot summer night, and fell asleep for 11 hours. I woke up and went to my mom’s house today. My brothers came over, my one brother brought his wife and baby girls - and we had a barbecue and talked. Afterwards, I attended a 12 step meeting over the phone.

I posted my Lollapalooza pics on Facebook - it’s interesting - it’s really obvious from the ‘likes’ who’s still ‘on my side’ at this point.

I just want to be happy again, most of the time. Right now I have to push away thoughts of regret, despair, and guilt over my divorce all of the time. I think I have fewer of these types of thoughts these days, which is good. The bottom line is - if my wife doesn’t want to work things out with me, then I have no choice but to move forward on my own. At this point I’m in limited contact with her, we mostly speak about legal matters and the kids. I don’t plan to ask her to go to marriage counseling, have a heart to heart about our relationship, tell her that I’m 90 days sober and ‘working on myself’. I can’t do those things anymore, I feel like they only causes me more pain and push her farther away. The flip side, though, is she is becoming more of a stranger to me, and our life together and everything we shared, more of a distant memory every passing day.

[Cld]

qt4,

I feel the exact same way and I have no clue how things are going to end. In two days we will have our settlement and I don't know if my wife and her lawyer want to work things out or if they just want to fight in a later trial.
I am glad that I am alive and that I am healthy and every day is a gift. I could be dead right now, I know of some men who hung themselves after getting divorced, not me, I will fight until the end.
My main focus is to protect the kids emotionally so that when they grow up they won't do the same to their families.
I have read that 66% of people who file for divorce regret it later in life and that's why I am telling you to not give up.
Your wife will come back to you when she is ready, maybe in a few years, only when she realizes the mess that she has been causing.
You are dealing with a mentally ill person right now, she is not the woman you married and not the woman you knew a few months ago.
It's like an alien has taken over her body.
Your job right now is to limit losses, emotional losses and financial losses.
Your wife will never forget you and stop thinking about you, each time she sees her children, she sees you as well, don't worry about it.
Be a rock my friend, be a mountain, be a man.

[Ginger1]

I'm just going to heed a little warning from experience of all those around me. 90 days sober after you went on a drinking bender? I know it is weed you consider yourself sober from, but addiction is addiction and that can lead to your old behaviors. Have you thought about going truly sober for 90 days?

It's good to get out and have fun, but you don't want to put yourself in situations this early on in your weed "sobriety" to expose yourself binge drinking and weed smoking.

[qt4x11]

I'm just going to heed a little warning from experience of all those around me. 90 days sober after you went on a drinking bender? I know it is weed you consider yourself sober from, but addiction is addiction and that can lead to your old behaviors. Have you thought about going truly sober for 90 days?

It's good to get out and have fun, but you don't want to put yourself in situations this early on in your weed "sobriety" to expose yourself binge drinking and weed smoking.

I understand your concern Ginger, fyi I think I was just 'letting loose' over the weekend and Lollapalooza. I don't plan on continuing to party that way in the future - Lollapalooza is just a special occasion. I never had a problem with alcohol - I actually hardly ever drink - or other drugs for that matter.

[Rick1963]

Hi qt4. You asked about my experience. I will sum it up.

She moved out of the marital bed in June and we lived together until October of 2012. The worse 14 months of my life. She cooked dinner served me every night and sat next to me to eat as if all was normal. At 1 point I asked for her to stop cooking for me. It was a stranGe time in my life. We were best friends for 25 years.

You asked about finances. It all worked out differently than she or I expected. She was very angry that I did not end up on the side walk. She actually wanted me to move away from town. Instead I kept the house and our 401 k were equalized in my favor. That really pissed her off. No child support because she makes a lot and she would have have paid me alimony which was the same in child support.

I have not seen or had contact with her since she moved out. I see my daughter often.

The pain will go away. It took me some years. On occasions I still can believe what happened.

In the end it will all work out. Last year I remarried a wonderful woman. Money is tight but I make work.

Be good to yourself

[qt4x11]

What was the issue with your divorce? Your sig does not indicate any A?



She sounds like she was really going after your wallet! On top of the conflicting anxieties of still wanting to R with my W and also wanting to detach and begin to heal through limited contact, I'm also scared to death of how it'll work out financially. She already asked to sell our marital home after only 3 months since the BD. I have no idea how vindictive she's going to be in court. Certainly she's not showing me any compassion in our day to day communications.